There's still a lot of issues that can go "wrong" yet. So, yeah I'm still scared stiff. Stuff I can't get into... she's pulling some major power plays on him and he's still "under" her spell somewhat... so I think coming to me is in a way giving him the strength not to bend to her. He told me stuff I never in a million years would have thought he'd ever tell me.... least of all be totally honest about. I'm "emotionally invested" again and it scared the hell out of me... but that's the risk I have to take now. It could be a short bumpy ride or a very long bumpy ride. Either way, as of right now, I"m determined to see this through.
There are some disaster things that could happen (like he falling for her bullsh*t).. so ... I'm cautiously hopeful and trying to let this stay in the hands of those guardian angels I've asked to help me.
He's supposed to come over here tonight for salad and the rest of the movie. (business permitting).
Fingers crossed. Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 09/08/0810:45 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Abbey, All the feelings you are feeling, I have too. I walked a tightrope...never knowing how much to ask or how much time to spend with him in the beginning.
Our daughters are young so it was a little different, when he started to come around again he had to learn to be a Dad again and become part of the family. I would leave him alone with the girls and go about chores, errands etc. This kept him "wanting" to spend time with me...he would always aske when I would be back and if we were going to eat together, etc...
This is a risk on your emotions but it is a risk worth taking...continue to do what you are doing!
Hey Abbey, What happened, did he come by? (or is that tonight, think I have the time difference wrong). I dont blame you for being cautious, but if he is confiding all kinds of things in you about her bad behavoiur, that sounds like he is all but done with her? Its the miracle you were hoping for, and so wonderful to hear. Someone must be smiling on you!
Talking of which, I wondered what you meant when you said: "I'm cautiously hopeful and trying to let this stay in the hands of those guardian angels I've asked to help me." Yasmin Boland talks alot about guardian angels and so did a new friend of mine, but I dont know much about it. I think mine have buzzed off on holiday!
Ali xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Mom, thanks so much for telling me about your experiences. It feels so good to know that what I'm thinking is exactly what you went through too. And yes, he's asking ... what are you doing tomorrow etc. What to say, what not to, how much, how little etc. All a big tight rope!!! I want this so badly... and yet it's to temper it with being there FOR him... cuz that's what he needs right now. It's about him and I'm fully ok with that.
He's having breakfast with a female friend tomorrow,... then I think he's going out to do a recreational activity with a male friend (one I REALLY LIKE and is a stable person). Which also shows he's coming out of the fog.
Ali - to answer your question... does necking goodbye count as coming over last night?
We had a lovely dinner here and then watched the end of the movie. We talked, discussed some logistic stuff we need to deal with and I even got a little insecure because I thought maybe I had "gone too quickly" with one of my comments. He assured me that it was OK... and was very nurturing about it. We both need to take this slow, I think it's really sunk in last night just what a second chance we're getting. As for being cautious... I'm being pragmatic... there are no guarantees in life... I have to accept that what I'm doing... is a risk, emotionally and will impact our lives from this day forward.
I actually told him about my G-angels last night. (Maybe too much too soon... but hey, he talked about us buying a boat) *smile*
To answer Guardian Angels... early on, it felt like how I was "supposed to do" my 180 was handed to me on a silver platter by a deceased relative. The answer to what I had to do, and the thought of that person came instantly together. I have 2 person G-angels ... and I've even placed hearts, a small charm guardian angel and a charm with the word "hope" on it at their graves sites - Planted under flowers. The other was a family pet that was "his". I have a tuft of it's hair, and in trinket box that H gave me. In the trinket box is the hair, another heart, g-angel charm and the hope charm...also my wedding ring. I talk to these people... ask for their help... and pray to them for help. It's really that complex and simple all in one
Right now... it's just first step steps. Lots of hills and valleys to go through... one of the pieces of the talk we had last night dealt with being "gentle" with one another's emotions. As so many books say, I know he's going to have to deal with mourning that relationship ending etc. We need to learn eachother again and become each other's soft place to fall.
*Hugs* to everyone... Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
3 nights in a row together... and he even kidded me about coming back over later after 11 pm and having a sleep over tonight when we kissed goodbye.
He's fed up with the OW, but there's some issues that need to be dealt with... and so this could take some time. (don't ask).
Suffice to say, we really necked up a storm on the couch. I love kissing him... and he kissing me. ML is in our future... matter of fact, he also kidded if I didn't put on the movie... there wasn't going to be any movie (You ladies will understand why I had no choice but to resist for er... some reasons).... lets not even get into taking it slow isn't 3 days. ML isn't something that I'm going to resist when it happens either though. We need to really connect with one another as lovers and friends.
I know the next while is going to be a ride. He gets quiet and just cuddles into me...., then he'll start talking. He's more open with his feelings than before. That's a huge change... and one that will serve us well for the R mending.
I honestly cannot believe how calm I feel when I'm with him. It's like half of my body is "back". That's scary... but it's in a good way.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Abbey, I haven't posted to you before but your thread caught my eye. This development is so exciting and you are handling it so well!!!!
One thing jumped out, how you wanted to celebrate your new stablity but were concerned it might come off as boring. Have you read "passionate marriage" by david schnark? the title is a little simplistic, but one of the main ideas is that the more stable we are within ourselves, the wilder the sex can be
I am nowhere near your phase.... having only had a few "minimal contact hugs" with my WA. But one thing I'm excited to try, in the future, given the chance, is some super hot lingerie. Would you be comfortable with that? For me I've found some things I would have been hesitant to try before, but nothing that makes me uncomfortable. does that make sense??? Just a little visual 180... maybe even a super hot bra strap. You know what Im' saying??
I'm going to have to get that book, thanks for recommending it.
I do intend to become much less inhibited in bed. The way we were way back when we were younger. Right now, it's making and keeping my resolve not to push. To listen, to be there,... as he still is in jumble mode and that's not going to go away over night. There's some stuff like I said that may take upward of a year to deal with... solidarity is what we're building as well as our passion. We need that passion. He's ready for that passion (he said so last night).... Just I need to take this in steps. (more on that later).
If I've learned anything about my roller coaster ride so far Transformer,... is that me showing massive amounts of stability, has impressed him. He was even impressed with my having a year's worth of furnace filters. *grin*
(We're sitting watching tv and I was mentioning that I felt that the air conditioning in this place still leaves the house a little damp instead of the dryer air you'd expect. He asked: do you remember to change your furnace filters?) I couldn't resist... I made him get up and said... come with me... *laughing*... we went into the utility room where I have a year's worth of filters. One to change every 30 days - cuz I have critters and critter fur I said... I even write it down in dates on a day timer. I'm so organized, I scare myself He loved that!
Basically it does come down to 180s ... and then being ready to show all the love you can when they'll let it in. That's where I am right now. Much like Lisa though... cuz the OW is still in the picture because of some stuff that needs to work itself out, I'm still anxious... but a phone call this morning from H sure helped.
More in a bit. Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Michelle,... do you recall way back that I said that I would need to have an affair with my own husband in order to get him back? Guess it's more of that law of attraction at work isn't it? *smile*
Since upping my A/Ds... last week, and I'm glad I did,... it's helped with keeping me pragmatic. My depression is gone. There's still fear and anxiousness of this sitch, because of some of the complications that will take a while to work itself out. (Plus the first 3 weeks of upping this kind of med can make me actually shake and raise the level of anxiousness/panic type stuff in the brain until the serotonin levels out.)
My fear of course, is she'll pull something that could pull him back into her lair but... based on the phone call we had this morning,... he's not baby stepping away from her,... he ripping pages out of their book in pretty steady steps. I can't count my chickens... and won't... but like some folks who've had coaching sessions here have talked about... ML isn't a bad thing... and sometimes you have to do what it *takes* ... experiment and make the "cure"... specific to the sitch.
As Michelle and I talked about very early on, ... our spouses had issues with how they felt we treated them... that we didn't invest enough IN them and spend time with them. So cure/sitch specific for me,... was always a question for me. Do I go dark, or go gaga all over him?
Dark turned out to be the best option... the hardest... but it forced him to go head first into the other relationship and begin to see the gold digging she was doing for exactly what it was. (I even was at the point of giving up a few weeks ago... so a lesson for all of us - just when you think there's no hope, never say never! Believe me when I say this, if you all knew ALL the bits and pieces of this sitch... you'd know why I thought there was no hope left. I'm as godsmacked by this change around as anyone could be!)
Last night he said: Keep kissing me like that and I'll have to come back. (as I mentioned in the post above). I phoned him and told him... hey... no reason why you can't you know... realizing that he might have not understood a female "monthly issue" was the reason I didn't want go there yet. I even said: 2 more days. Anyhoo - I woke up about 4:30 this morning, couldn't get back to sleep... I just wanted to feel him beside me so badly. I got up, made some sleepytime tea and even contemplated phoning him.
I woke up about 7ish and called him... he told me about his latest run in with her... and then told me that he almost called me back about midnight to come sleep with me. I said... why didn't you? I almost called you at 4:30.. but I didn't know who was sleeping where. (I actually laughed when I said that).
The convo then turned to, I really could use a squeeze from you and just see you, even for 5 minutes today. I'm just feeling a little anxious about things. He said he was definitely going to try to arrange it, because he wants to see me too. (work, keeping her from knowing I'm back in his life, etc etc etc).
Getting back to the cure/sitch specific stuff... I felt I needed to show my neediness, by saying I'd love to see him today... and I really wished he had of come back last night. But I also know that I can't be fragile. This is going to be the test of a life time for both of us and I said: I'm obviously a little anxious... but don't you worry... I'm back, I'm not fragile anymore and I won't break. The girl you once knew, feisty-ness and all IS back... and I'm ready for any battle she wants to give us.
We talked about that for a bit, then he said he'd call me later today... and ended the call with: Talk to you later sweetie. *smile*
I need to say this about the wonderful folks here... May the gods and guardian angles keep shining down on each and every one of us here.... The folks in this board warm my heart and have kept me, and so many others here in their prayers and have cheered us on, no matter how adverse the sitch is and seems to be.
*Hugs to everyone* Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
