New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Hi all,

I decided to call a depression hotline as I really wanted to talk about H. I am feeling horribly guilty for being out of the country, even though I know he doesn't want me there. I want to be back in Dublin more than I can explain, and to be more in his life again. Anyway, I will talk to Jody about her thoughts on this...

So, the person I spoke to was very nice, but just kept talking about how I should share my feelings more with H. I explained that I was trying to save the marriage, and that I wasn't sure whether this was such a good idea given his own state. She said he needed to be constantly reminded of me, and that I should call frequently, even if just to say "Hi, thinking of you." Of course that is a logical thing to say, but completely anti-DB. She did say that emotions go dead in depression, so it is quite normal for someone not to feel love. She suggested when I do go back, I just say I am here, not mention working on the relationship or anything. This was sound advice I think. However, she also suggested that I just go back home if I want to. Tempting as this is, if I break my word to H, I am pretty sure we will not have any chance of success. My only hope is for him to actually ask me back early, or just to take an extended business trip before I get back if I really don't want to be here. I ended the call before too long as, though it was somewhat therapeutic, it really wasn't helpful for someone in my sitch.

Also, got a few emails from H this afternoon. He's sticking to the every other day pattern. It's almost funny. Emails I sent yesterday/Monday night are being answered today. I had sent him an email yesterday about having his US debit card, and he said he had a credit card for me too. He also brought up his school tuition (pre-bomb my stocks and bonuses in October and March were meant to cover the balance). Another email came in in response to me saying I wouldn't take a trip to Hamburg due to the costs, but instead would just take a train somewhere close. He wrote back, said we'd spent $5K on another trip this year that could have been applied to his tuition, and that neither of us should take holidays. Furthermore, "perhaps we should focus on the tuition instead." I wrote back. "You're absolutely right". Of course, this is future talk, whether he realizes it or not. My guess is that he doesn't see it this way. I did not bring up stocks or bonuses, but this is where the money is meant to come from. I am OK with this, if we are not going to be separated anymore. In fact if he is this worried about expenses, I am not sure how another 3 month separation would work.

Also he sent an email that his old (individual) credit card was cancelled, and the debt was put on our new (joint) card. I wrote back and said that it was a great idea to transfer debt like this, you know, praising with every opportunity I get...He wrote back that it was just done for him, with a smiley face, and I tried to be flirtatious in a response and said "I'm sure you have other good ideas though :)".

Anyway I have to send that joint session email in a bit. I think I will just ask if his preference is to go ahead with tonight's or push out, and that I will go with his decision on it. I'm starting to put in more niceties, so am also adding something like "Hope you're having a good day in windy Dublin." Some of his emails are now more than 1 line long, so I feel it's worth continuing in this friendly manner...

ITH