I don't know what to say....thank you all for the overwhelming support.
I want to get something from this; if nothing else, this illustrated to me something else I have to work on: my self-esteem. I guess I have to thank x for helping me figure out my next steps.
First, it was where my priorities were - I was taking on way too much, spreading myself way too thin. And I wasn't being introspective at all, just rushing through each day to the next thing on autopilot. I am aware, now.
Being aware is hard. It is hard to see, to look inside. Couple those flaws with someone telling you how terrible you are....I am having times of extreme self-hatred. It is easier to hate the gf. But I think it is still all misplaced anger.
What would it mean if I could actually blame x for what has happened (at least for the affair and not committing to trying), for the final fall of our M?
I keep saying that his head has gone through amazing mental gymnastics...I guess mine can, too. But why? Why do I seem to love and need him, no matter what the mental cost to myself, when it isn't deserved?
So, two things for IC today:
1) A concrete plan to build my self-esteem again I have done a lot towards this, but need to do more. (Anyone remember that SNL skit with Guy Smiley? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!")
2) Why do I let x off the hook? Why can I forgive him, no matter what he does, at my own expense? What does he represent to me that I am having such a terrible time of letting go of?
What am I actually letting go of? And what is keeping me from doing that?
