I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

H and I had R talk last night. Shocking to say the least. One thing he cannot see is that every time he drops Bomb (there have been 2 now) there is a "friend". I really don't care about that anymore. He has done all he can to hurt me. I have lived for 12 years being afraid of my own shadow in this M. It wasn't so bad at first but over the years it got worse and worse, until now I became a controlling shrew. I read some of the MLC info and really know now this is what I am living through. The fires of hell have been so hot for so long in my home. My poor S, I don't know what he thinks. He just says "stop acting like children". He just doesn't understand that I can't fix this one.

I'm not really sure what stage h is in. Somewhere still in replay I am guessing right now maybe moving into depression. He says OW is just "friend". She has been divorced 3 times and is giving him good advice. Funny this advice is good. Other OW advice was not so good (she encouraged him that we should date and get to know each other). But she made him feel good. This one does too I guess, which I haven't done. He has actually told her no more phone calls or text messages, he doesn't want me to be hurt anymore or think he is doing something he isn't, but they still see each other at work. He comes home on time, always has, doesn't disappear, like he didn't do during A years ago, so I don't know if PA but I will never argue EA. Tried to convince myself it wasn't but I can't do that anymore.

Wish I could have started MY journey in all of this last year when first bomb hit. But right after that bomb, I got one of my own, I was told I was going to die. Had a little more pressing stuff on my plate. God gave me the strength to get through that struggle, and gave me my H temporarily, which I needed so much. I thought everything was getting better until a few weeks ago. Bomb again. Wants to be byself. Doesn't want to answer to anyone, doesn't know who he is. Wow. Started looking at self. Why was I the way he said I was? In a short amount of time, I actually managed to uncover the reasons for my behaviors in this M. I know it isn't all my fault H is where he is, but I still need to change what I need to change for me. I have become so controlling, so miserable, so utterly exhausted from all of it. Not the bomb, but my life. I have been the man and have forced him to be a child. I know now he is in MLC, but there are things I have to do for me, and I know in some ways they will put more pressure on him. I have turned over the money to him. I can't deal with it anymore. I have turned over S-14 to him, not loving, just the discipline. I can't have those arguments with S anymore. Someone needs to show the child he has responsibilities and expectations and he is not a small child anymore and that there are consequences to his actions. I can't do it. I waffle. I protect, I caretake to the extreme. I do it to both of them and I can't anymore. I don't even know what it feels like to be a woman. I have the parts, but I don't know what to do with them. I don't know how to be a wife. I don't know how to let someone take care of me, but I have given it over to God. During H 2 year PA, ended 8 years ago, I received a message from Him, telling me he was not done with us yet. I had given up. I was trying to figure out how to file. That message stopped me.

I feel like I have been shown what the end result of all of this will be if I can give up control. Roles have to reverse. I have emasculated this man for so long I am not really surprised he has come to where he is. He always believed, I don't know why, that he would die by 35. Turned 35 last year and he is still here. I want to say this started a while before that. I'm not really sure exactly when but sometime between beginning 05 and 06. New job, S not a little boy anymore, death of both grandmothers, one he respected, other he cherished. They had been the strong women in his life. The loving women, the reliable ones. Mother a raging alcoholic, not there emotionally, still isn't. She moved in with us at the very end of 06 with a half hour notice, and during the 8 months she was here, we were both faced with demons from our past. I remembered why I never ever want to live with another alcoholic and why I am so afraid of how even a little drinking can take over your life (my father). H basically got to relive his wonderful childhood, which I was only privy to the end of and didn't know too much about until his cousin filled me in last summer. All H ever told me was, his first memory of father was at 3 and he was shooting drugs. Mother drank and lived in a bottle. I quickly came to learn her behavior of "I'm going to do..." and then when sober doesn't remember. I have spent years covering for her and trying to make up for her mistakes with him and our S. Making sure bills always paid, food always in cabinets, whatever she promised and reniged on, I did (like get our S a dog). I mothered to my husband like I mothered to my S. I felt like he had already been so deprived as a child that I wanted to do everything for him.

By the time the bombs were dropped last year, she was doing unbelievable things, actually accused me of trying to kill H (later said she was joking, what a joke) I couldn't take the stress anymore. I told her to leave. It was what I had to do for me and to be honest for H and S too. By that point, we were all miserable. Until last week, there has been no communication from her. She sent S a bday card, so I called and thanked her. She apologized, we talked a little, will never be what it was. Tried to put H on phone, but he doesn't want to talk to her.

A few months ago, I came out of my "thank God, I'm not going to die" euphoria, and started feeling overwhelmingly pressured. H was not helping, S typical teenager, I was doing stupid things like forgetting BC pills, I was losing control. I started to want to run away from everything. Didn't understand my feelings, didn't know why. Tried to hold onto everything tighter. Was slipping. Was falling down a tunnel with no way out. Then the bomb. Then amazingly, my lightbulb. I no longer want to run away. I just need to do things differently. I need to let me be me. I need to let him be him. Why do they actually try to run away? I wanted to but I never would. I am hoping my selfishness right now doesn't push him away further, I am afraid it might. But I am more afraid of what will happen to me if I don't take this journey. He is just going to have to step up and so far he seems like he can do it, he actually seems to want to even though he feels he is preparing himself to be on his own. I can't make him see what a gift he is giving me right now. I can't make him see that I am becoming a different person, a person who isn't so bitter, so angry, someone who appreciates him and loves him. Someone who is not clingy or needy. I can't make him see any of it. But I have faith. I have enough faith for both of us. I am trying to have patience, and I know not everyday is going to be a bed of roses. I know there are times when I will feel like i hate him again. But I trust that God will give me the strength I will need to face this. He has always been there before.

Has anyone else been through this?