Interesting conversation. When my H was building up to and having an affair, he was not a nice person to be around. I hated him. I wanted to save my marriage primarily for the kids and the financial benefits, not because I felt love towards him. but then we reconciled. And he became a nice person again. Nice to be around, not yelling and getting angry all the time. So where did that other guy come from, and where did he go? I think people have the good and bad sides in them all along. But when they don't respect the person they are with, they present the bad side. When they do respect the person they are with, the good side comes out. It is a choice that they make to act with their bad behavior.
I meant to answer your post yesterday, but I was sidetracked WAY out of the way, and now I'm not sure exactly what I was thinking 24 hours ago.
Oh well, I do want you to know that although you are a man and I am a woman, we have very similar spouses. They both seem to be in MLC. I agree with you that I don't want to be married to a man who has someone else who manages his time/money and sex life. But whether or not it is for the good of us or for the good of mankind, I don't think it is wise of us to try and move on just yet. I'm still coming out of the shocked phase, but I'm doing better.
I've come to the realization that I have to practice forgiveness. I don't know if you know this, but I have another handle. I call myself *love* and my thread is on the Forgiveness forum. You can go there if you wish.
I'm sorry you're hurting....and I know you are...I can feel it.
Peace and Quiet moments of inspiration live on in our hearts.
You know your W better than any of us....but perhaps she has just changed and evolved as life has altered her outlook. We DO all change one way or another, and her changes are not acceptable to you and have not been in line with yours. You have lost touch with one another and what matters to you both differs.
I think that we all do need to go through certain stages in life.It is said that a child that doesn't crawl, but goes straight to walking, at some point will need to revisit that part of their development. Perhaps in your W's case, she never rebelled against her upbringing when young, at a time when most of us do, and NOW is the time she has chosen......with devastating effects. My sister has done something very similar and it has created carnage.
When I was young I was a real tearway....I know it's hard to believe ;). I gave my parents many a sleepless night. Now I am the 'sensible' child and it is my sister who does things that shock and horrify her parents, (and her children). Frankly, I am also appalled by her behaviour....but she never got it out of her system when young. She destroyed her M....with the help of her husband.
To be honest Theo, you have been fighting this situation in your M for a long time. I know you have the children to consider....and their standard of living. Surely though, they would be happier with a contented and more peaceful father. You are a good man and you deserve a partner in life who is going to support you.
I have always been a strong follower of you as you know....I want what is best for you. Frankly, your W does not seem to be the best person for you to be with.
Follow your heart Theo.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Even though I do not know Theoden very well, I could sense this about him already. I hope for his sake that he can make things right with his wife because it sounds to me like he loves her.....a lot.
Thought I would drag the thread back to the original topic, or close to it. Did anyone watch the TV show October Road? My W got hooked on it - I had very mixed feelings. On the one hand, it explored some "close to home" issues - on the other hand, there were several characters I wanted to slap silly. For example:
Nick, the main character, who left his small home town (and sweetheart) without any warning right after high school. None of this friends heard of him until years later when he published a best-selling novel based on all of them. Then some crisis or other brings him back to town, in the pilot episode. Nick is pretty aimless and annoying.
Hannah, the LBS sweetheart, who has finally (she thinks) moved on and is preparing to marry Ray, Nick's old rival. Hannah is whiney.
Ray - everyone in the gang of friends hates Ray, and the writers continually have to bounce him between being nice so Hannah will want to be with him, and being a total rat. The Jekyll/Hyde thing never really "worked" for me.
Then, the real fun begins. I think there was some potential for a great, meaningful story here (but that's not what we got):
Owen, the sad sack LBS who discovers his wife has been cheating on him with one of his best buddies. Owen does all the crying, screaming, pathetic stuff you would expect for a newly-bombed guy, but never finds a copy of DR and gets his act together.
Ikey, the scuzzy OM. Man, talk about "trading down." Ikey just slinks around looking guilty and like someone is going to hit him for the entire show.
Owen's wife, strangely enough, almost NEVER appears. I can't even remember her name.
There are a few other characters, several of whom have similar issues. Gee, I'm not too disappointed this show didn't get renewed!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Thought I would drag the thread back to the original topic, or close to it. Did anyone watch the TV show October Road? My W got hooked on it - I had very mixed feelings. On the one hand, it explored some "close to home" issues - on the other hand, there were several characters I wanted to slap silly. For example:
You know what would be cool? I was thinking it would be great for one of us here to write a TV show or movie about our experiences and DRing and all that. So many people I think are divorced or divorcing so it would really be interesting to a lot. Then I'm also thinking it would be cool to have a reality show where they showed some couples DRing and the effects they had on their marriage. I would think some would R, some would D, or whatever. Ok, so any writers out there??? Karen
Theo, Unfortunately MLC can sometimes last years. Stop thinking about her and having any expectations of change or her waking up. Also, stop blaming her. It's like she's in a coma or an alien really did invade her body.
Think about you, take care of you and think of yourself as a single parent right now. She's not here so she can't matter. Anger and resentment are a waste of emotion.
{{{hugs}}}
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Karen