Advice-Husband moved in with OW(I'm a Newby)

[JGrind]

Hey everyone! Can I jump in for a bit?

marisol- I hope you survived yesterday . I know how hard it must've been. Maybe some tips on how you made it through, cuz my 16th anniversary is Oct. 17.

hope3343- Thanks for the reply. Yes, it's all about the attitude, but sometimes my attitude can get a little sarcastic. lol. My H is a drinker too. A big drinker, especially lately. "drinking himself to oblivion" as he describes it , since this has all come crashing down. Do you think H could be alcoholic? Im certain mine is- and he's even recently admitted it, describing himself as a "functional alcoholic". I can't help but wonder how much of a part their ridiculous behavior is due to alcohol. And Im concerned of the influence it has on my kids.I dont have to tell them daddy drinks too much- they can see it for themselves- they know. D11 tells daddy straight up to stop drinking so many beers, and S14 finds it funny to see daddy and friends drinking at little league fields , some of who are obviously drunk and acting stupid. My T recommended I attend Al Anon meeting in my area which I did go to one. Not for kids though. 1st mtg was little awkward, but they say you should attend at least 6 mtgs to decide. If only my H would seek help.
Oh yeah, walking the beaches? No beach access in MO. Im jealous!

T2l-Im so sad to hear how this has affected your S9. Our H have no clue the pain this is causing them. They seem to think they'll adjust, NO PROBLEM!! Kids have been to H house a couple of different weekends. Each time, OW and her kids were there. S14 wants to bring his friend when going to dads house because his point is, "If dad wants to spend time with us why does he have OW there? So I might as well bring my friend". Good point. Couldnt argue that one. S14 gets so upset seeing how dad and OW act around each other. They cant have their dad to themselves, nor can they have their own space or belongings with her kids there. Lately H wants to stay at our house instead of his house with kids while Im working because S14 acts like "jerk" to OW. I have not said anything bad to my kids about OW or H and I asked them when OW is around to try to act respectively around her(a tall order since I have no respect for her). But I accept and respect their feelings. They have a right to however they feel. They didnt ask for this. Theyre the innocent victims.S11 is the "comforter" when I feel sad - hasnt shown anger yet- worry about him holding it in. D11 has extreme mood swings, shows much anger especially toward me. She has even kicked the wall and left dent. Very hard to deal with your own emotions and have to support kids emotions.Ive spoken with all school guidance counselors. Elementary school has support group for kids of D. Im also trying to ease them in to visits with me to my T. Starting to go to church (something H does not value as much as I do). Keeping God in the middle of it all,and praying for daddy every night.

Starshyne- Alton, IL huh?. We're probably a little over an hour apart!

twinhope- WOW! H has nerve! My H has also been out places with kids and OW and her kids. When I asked why, he said S11 invited OW son (theyve played ball together for about 5 years now), but he told S11 no, yet OW still showed up at where they were anyway. Yeah, right. Whatever. I cant even imagine how horrible that must have felt for you to witness your H and OW actions and words of "love" for each other. How blatently disrespectful to you! It is hard enough for me to go to S11 ball game and OW is there. H is coach of team. They do not acknowledge each other in front of me , nor do neither of them acknowledge me. Well, my H acknowledges me very little. She looks no where near my direction, and we WERE friends. They cant be hiding their affair from the rest of the team parents because everyone knows, but I know eventually I will have to endure the pain of actually visualizing what Ive been imagining between them.
Mixed messages from H? Hugs one day, and snubs the next? My H has on 4 different occasions initiated long hugs with me, a quick kiss on top of my head, and with one of those hugs I even saw tears in his eyes. On another occasion he phoned me out of the blue to see if Id like to watch some of S11 ballgame before I went in to work. S11 was surprised to see me there, so I dont think he asked dad to invite me. He did ask for D on 7/4. He wants it to be civil- no nasty litigationss- which I agree if D has to happen. Talked about mediation, but asked me to get names from my T. At first I thought , "well if you want this why dont YOU do the work?", but my T says it is probably better I am in control of who we see so I can be sure to have someone whom I think will be fair. Nothing more was said about D until couple weeks ago, got email from H saying did I have names because we need to start planning. Left names of mediators here at our house along with some of his other personal belongings the last time he stayed here with kids. He took everything except the names! OK, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!!!! Its so confusing. Are these those little "signs" they refer to in DB? But I always seem to be disappointed. He's done and said so many cruel things, so out of character for him. Yet, if I dont focus on positives and have a little hope, Ill never get through this. Our H are just as confused as we are I think.

Trying to GAL. I think kickboxing classes would be PERFECT! and Im starting classes next week. T

[hope3343]

My D15 is strong, my D28 is not. She gets anxiety, depression and guess what she has relation problems. She is going to doctor's next week and getting a referral for a good therapist. So you know how this will play to her when H decides to leave.
On another note, based on your suggestion, I wrote a one page note that the counselor is looking at as we speak. It is not all DB. Will keep you posted.
Also we are in the path of Hurricane Ike, I just had to make reservations for San Antonio for the weekend. Maybe I should lock H in the house on the Island! A little sick humor!

[twinhope]

Hi everyone! I have read on other threads that alot of folks say no letter. That it is not a good idea. I have thought of doing the same but was told it is not a good idea at all. They are not in their right minds and a letter is just going to be ignored it will be sad, depressing, and rehashing things they are trying to avoid which pushes them to the OW. The OW are happy, give them what they want, not nagging, new, fresh, and exciting. A real high for them that is really disgusting to us.

I am curious about revealing the A. I have read other posts of people in piecing that say do not give any mention of the A/OW that by not saying anything is not giving it any value and can let H have what he wants right now but if we are not there putting preasure on them that their R will die its natural course b/c by us being the best we can be and GAL and acting as if they will look at us in a different light and they can't blame us for anything. I know my H right now tries to portray me of the me of old and assumes I am going to flip out, get defensive, all of the qualities that pushed him away. With every encounter we have I feel my H is testing me. Treating me like I am defensive, flipping out, all the things that justify him leaving in the first place. I am holding my own and not doing any of my old behaviors and he has noticed. I just wonder how long this is going to take. Is it ever going to end at times I feel he is taking steps forward but then he takes steps back. What a roller coaster ride of emotions. I want off soon!

[hope3343]

Hi Twinhope, it is frustrating. I talked to the MC about the letter. He thought it was good. No mention of A and OW. More of his D15 and how she is in pain and how she sees him drinking etc. He is steadily looking at apartments. If he put this much effort into the marriage we would definitely have hope. I am terrified once he gets out he wants to wait 3 months and then file for divorce. He has this wrapped up in a package. I think he will push for divorce to free some of our finances up since he is in debt. I need to find a way to work around that but I am not just handing him our 401K or whatever. How did this get so bad. I think you have a better chance with a 21 year old because they change their minds quick. My H's OW is 1 year older than him and firmly wants to get her hands on him. It is depressing most of the time. The worst part is that D15 and myself are her in Tx all by ourselves. We are from the east coast and moved out here for jobs. I was living in the hometown I grew up in. This is my first move ever. I have no family support here. It is very lonely but my D is doing so well in school I do notwant to pull her out. She has 3 years left. So I will wait.
Glad you are GAL and not doing old behaviors. I am trying very hard also but sometimes I am not successful. Soon as I flip H will say see this is the way you are controlling etc. So now I keep it in check. I read somewhere it takes 1 month for each year of marriage to get better. Well I guess I have to wait another 19 months!

[twinhope]

Hope, If your MC says the letter is a good idea then that is the way to go. I wrote a letter it was kind of a goodbye letter. Accepting my fault and understanding his pain and thanking him for my beautiful girls and having no regrets only that he can not believe in us. I so want to give it to him. I can only imagine how much it hurts to hear your H's plan. H has not asked me for a D ever. Our C has told him that if it is what he wants he needs to be able to look me in the eye and ask me. We have to remember that it is not over and that we don't know what the outcome will be. Believe nothing he says and ignore 1/2 of their actions. They are in a fog and we have to believe that. Young or old the OW are not good people to be going after married men and how great it would be for our H's to return hope and give them what they deserve. They are getting the best of our H's right now but that can change. I will continue to pray for all of us. I am glad that I have found this thread it really helps. By the way I moved away from my family as well. We have no family here and it is so hard. Keep your head high and keep up your 180's and GAL it will only make us stronger! I heard that too about the each month of marriage. Hang in there I know I will be here to help support and try to keep us sane. I think my M is worth it and I hope you do too!

[Trying2live]

Jgrind,
Kick boxing! Yesssss! That's a start of GAL! Very proud of you.
And going to church very good too! My kids and I have been at the same church for 14years and it has helped me and the kids. Its brought strength and stability to the kids as well. My children have learned to lean on Christ even through this. I have a bigger story. But I did not want to include it in my post as I wanted anyone to chime in and feel welcome and I thought including it might interfere with that. To top my story off, my husband and I are associate Pastors at our church, I am a worship leader. I thought I would be immune from Adultery but I found out no one is. The man I used to know and the one I know now are 2 different people. Yes he had anger issues on occasion and he drank but never went loony. He just cracked, I guess. I guess that's what makes it even harder for close friends because they loved him. Now his reasoning is completely gone, he accuses etc etc you now the drill.

Funny mine started drinking a lot when he was hiding it after the 1st sexual encounter. He said to me I had to drink to kill the guilt of what I was doing to you but the more I drank the less I felt for you and the more I felt for her. I really think the drinking thing has a big part in this. A really big part. I'm not opposed to a nice glass of wine or an occasional fruity drink, but I never drank daily-he did.
So what was the cause of the marriage situation now? Was it the affair or did he just say he was leaving? Tell me about your marriage story... and by the way jump in any time the more the merrier

[sandi2]

Hi Trying2live, you asked for "that" list so I will give it to you here. I have tried to skim over this thread, and man there are a lot of you here in the same boat! But, you seem to be helping each other a lot. I will try to chech in (if you want me to) and see if I can just hang around and be here if you need me. Sometimes, I spread myself too thin and sort of get bogged down in two or three threads, so just yell when/if you need me. I am over in the "Piecing" forum. Anyway, here is the list. This is for anyone going through any type of stitch, whether you are S or under the same roof. So, good luck.....and these principles work! It is up to you to follow through with them. Be strong and spunky! Never stoop to the OW level. Have a lot of "class". Here's your list"


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
35. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse.

[marisol35]

Well everyone... thank you so much for the support but I got the D today. Not the papers but that he has filed. The day after our first year anniversary. Can you believe it? Then it was in a text message no less. He couldn't even have the decensy to call me or tell me in person. He asks me in a text message for my SS# and when I ask why he says he is filing for a divorce. He says he is at the Divorce Store filling out paperwork and needs it. I was destroyed. I left work and cried in my car for 2 hours. Then he calls after I send some angry messages and says "why do you want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you" and "I don't love you the way you love me" and "it has nothing to do with her if she left me tomorrow I still want a divorce because I don't want to be married to you anymore". He said the reason he is doing this is because he does care and doesn't want this to linger on and be separated giving me hope when there isn't any.

I refused to sign anything from a place called the Divorce Store. And how did he know about that anyway? I am sure that the 21 OW told him about it, probably even looked it up for him so that he could go. Most likely is pressuring him to do it so that they can "start their relationship".

I don't see any hope now. There is nothing left for me. I am going to a lawyer tomorrow because I am not going to sign anything without someone looking at it for me. He asks why would I do that when this is so EASY and we don't have to pay thousands of dollars in lawyer fees. He says no matter if I fight or if I do it like this the end result for him will be the same because he wants a divorce PERIOD.

So, here I am the day after our first anniversary (oh and he said he didn't realize what day it was) and my husband files for D.

I guess I will not have the chance to do 180s but I will GAL because all that is left is me and I have to take care of me and my D16 who cried with me tonight because I told her. I did not want her to find out from anyone else especially her father.

You all are great. Keep it up for each other. I will be checking in but I will be taking some time alone.

[Trying2live]

Awesome, Thanks Sandi2.
Yes would love you to hang around anytime. Feel free to give help too. I am only in this for 4 months so far. Have you read my thread?
I Love the list. I pretty much am in a last resort. He is living with her. Feels hopeless but others say there still may be hope. If you have time please read my posts and give any tips.

Thanks again for the list...:)

[Trying2live]

Marisol,
My heart truly goes out to you and your daughter. I still am proud of you none the less. Take care of your self. Keep GAL! Let us know how you are when you can.