that is your self-esteem talking and sweetie it is low
i know because mine used to be so low that it was ridiculous
i have friends that said it hurt them to be around me because i had such a low self-esteem and was in so much pain always
i too thought my mother hated me (she disowned me for awhile and we have always had a volatile relationship until recently) i felt like i was a beacon of miserableness
and
partly it was true
i needed to love me more than i loved anyone else
i needed to understand that sometimes just because I wanted someone to love me in a certain way, it didn't make the way they could love me wrong
like my mom she couldn't love me like Mrs Cosby or even Roseanne but she could love me in the only way she knows how
once i figured that out it made it a better relationship and once i loved myself best of all i became truer to who i really am
you have to love yourself sweetie better than you love anyone
it is the only way to survive
i made tiny lists of things i was grateful for like i slept 4 hours today i made supper for the kids i taught a class and was really there for the kids for at least one hour
