Peicing but Angry and Confused.......HELP !

[native]

After 6 + months of hell since the 'bomb' and 1 mo. of seperation, W and I are seeing each other about once a week for date night.

Though background info would be helpful for anyone who may want to post their thoughts on this, I don't think I have the energy tonight.

Basically though, W abandoned the relationship emotionally within 3 yrs. of our M, leaving me to take care of everything, including our 1 1/2 yo. D.

It has been a back and forth struggle for me between compassion and anger, but there has been very little passion.

W's health issues, clinical depression and low energy level have burdened me since shortly after our m.

W. was raped 2x within the yr. prior to our engagement. Though she alluded to it b4 marriage, I never understood the ramifications on her or our future sex life.

Unfortunatly our wedding night did not go the way she wanted it ( slow and easy....) and things went downhill from there.
7 yrs. later she tells me for the 1st time that she compared our wedding night to the rapes.

Anyway, I said I didn't have the energy to go into this, but really want to.

The salient point for me tonight is that though we are 'dating'
I am about the to point that unless she shows some initiative in changing herself and the way she interacts with me, I don't know if I give a damn anymore. She is staying at her M's house, but needs to move out in 1 mo. at which time she will get an apartment.

I know I have let her down in many ways, mostly out of ignorance and lack of relationship saavy, but I have done nothing but soul-search, apologise and educate myself since shortly after the bomb.

Though I sort of expected the R to eventually get here,( I even thought I wanted her to leave last fall), when it happened, I realized that that was not what I really wanted. I just wanted to get out of the stalemate we were in, to get past the roadblocks that seemingly had no answers.

Ever since Wedding night, sex has been problematical. She compared me to past lovers and though it was the only way she knew how to get me to change, that made me mad.

She would also freeze up (during sex) with overwhelming emotions that I did not understand. Also, I could not for the life of me understand what she meant when she said she needed to feel 'safe'. ( What was I, a serial killer ? but now I realize this is part of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to the rapes.)

And yes, I have not been the best one to display affection or spend time in foreplay. Nor have I known how to bring her to orgasm.

But in my defense, I was so exhausted working full time, and taking care of everything else related to the house, child and my depressed, migrane-ridden, low-energy wife ( who after she went back to work left all the other stuff to me), that I had very little energy for anything beyond some hugging, kissing and sex shortly thereafter. And then I would fall asleep exhausted.

Anyway, I have a strong Christian faith, and for years have done that which I thought was the right thing by her, but of course it wasn't working. I have wanted our marriage to work. I want our D to have her same mommy and daddy, to see affectionate parents who respect and love each other, resolve differences and endure to grow deeper in love, but I feel my resolve beginning to slip, just when we may be on the mend.

Because I don't see her doing anything to try to deal with her own issues.

Because she is content to accept or reject whatever I bring to her, while I feel she brings me next to nothing in terms of stretching and loving me the way she knows I want to be loved. And I don't really mean sex here. While she was living her it would have meant helping me clean the house, or do the dishes, or take care of our D, or anything that most couples do to share the chores and burdens of everyday life.

Now she has left, it would mean her doing something to try to understand men or relationships better.

I feel I have been growing leaps and bounds since the bomb, and she acknowleges it, but by the same token, I can't tell what she has done to improve herself.

She would say she went to counselling for 7 years trying to fix our M. I agree she went to counselling for 7 yrs., but I was told that the issues she was dealing with were either personal (getting over previous bf's adultry/betrayal,or O/C thought patterns) or occasionally we would go together to try to get past arguements. But I never knew the M was on the line.

I knew she felt really bad, but I had no idea how much of it was because of me. How she didn't feel 'validated' ( had no clue what she meant by that....now I do, after hearing Ellen Kriedman's tapes).

What she wanted was romance....but wtf was that ? I never saw romance between my parents, much less affection or mutual respect.

Yet I thought I was doing good because I tried to be the responsible one when she gave up on everything except her job.

I'm learning what romance and inimacy mean to a woman now (thx Ellen), but I am impatient. I mean, after all, the last 7 yrs. were spent trying to fix this R, albeit with an inadequate formula, but did the best I knew how at the time.

Now that I am trying to learn and fill in the blanks in my R skills full bore, I am upset she doesn't display same willingness to educate herself too.

I don't want to continue to be the one who has to carry the relationship without her finding out how to meet my needs too.

For instance, just b4 the bomb, we were at her mother's house. Her B and his W were there and I watched with envy as his W came up to him, gave him a hug, looked up and said how wonderful he was, etc. God, I would just die with joy if W would treat me that way in private or in public. So, later I was doing stuff on MIL's computer when W tapped me on the shoulder to tell me it was time to leave. I unconsiously jerked my shoulder away as that was not the kind of touch I wanted from her. She broke down in tears saying ' how could you do that when I am feeling like I do ?'
And I'm thinking,'God, what is going on....how is she feeling ? " cause she has a hard time expressing personal things in a way that doesn't come out as an accusation. Like about our wedding night....7 years later !

Btw, I did expressly tell her prior to this incident that I would love it if she would show her affection to me publically ( like around her family). I felt that after all I had put up with, done for her etc. I deserved some appreciation. But I never got it.

And I rarely got to tell my side of the story, even in counselling, without her feeling defensive and angrier. Her own unhappiness and her own drama so filled her experience that my needs did not get expressed often. I also gave up trying to get my needs met since I was so often rebuffed, sexually as well as emotionally.

So here I am, been DBing hard for 3 mos. and she has gone from 'You need to move on', and 'I hope you find someone who can meet your needs' and ILYBINILWY to 'I'm not sure what I want' and 'We can date, but don't smother me'.

And I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore.

On top of that, the most awful/wonderful thing happened late last week.

One of the moms who has a kid at D's afterschool caught my eye. The flirtation was mutual but brief.

And people, she is incredibly hot. Don't know if she's M/D/S
yet.

So my dilemma:

Me: Faithful, patient, longsuffering DAM

W: depressed, non-responsive and sometimes hurtful WAS who I love but who doesn't really try to look good or make an effort to learn anything new re: relationships.

She: Hottest young woman that's shown an interest in me in years...i mean sizzling! Someone I could have fun being with for a change.....

If W had not left me, even if she never changed, I would not seriously entertain any flirtation.

But I don't know what I want anymore.

And that is almost as bad as knowing what I want (a happy, loving R with W) and not having it.

Help!