I still don't understand. I am trying. I don't know how you could do this to me and to us. Did you ever love me? I believed you did. I believed that you would love me forever. You promised me that you would. I've read and re-read the letters you wrote to me when we were young. I've kept them all. I have the letter that has the cartoon that you drew. The last frame was a picture of you and me holding hands with three kids around us. The caption read "you and me and our children live happily ever after." I want my happily ever after. I want US back. I want my family back.
Why do I have to sit home alone missing everyone. Why do I have to pay when I'm not the one screwing a former co-worker. Why do I have to pretend to the rest of the world that this is all just because we needed time apart. Why do I have to listen to small town rumors about how I never let you do anything. Well, there is one thing I would have never let you do when living here, and I guess you can do that now and still wear your wedding ring. Do you wear it when you are in bed with her? Why can I not scream from the rooftops what you've done. I told you I wouldn't. I don't want our kids to konw. You are and have always been such a wonderful father. I don't want our kids to know. I don't want to rob them of their childhood. I don't want to rob them from a relationship with you. They need us both. They need us together as a family. Why can't you see that.
You said you were frustrated tonight because getting the kids to your house was complicated by homework and softball practice. Well, it's your fault. It's your fault that we have to have this arrangement, but I'm the one that apologizes for the confusion, because I want you back so badly. I want what we had. I want to find the love again that I thought would never fade.
We used to "fight" about who loved who the most................I win. I don't want to win. I don't want to sit here sobbing, trying to understand what went wrong. Why did it go so wrong.
How can you make me doubt the past? Why do you want me to believe that we were never good. Why. Why do you want me to believe that I have lived a lie. If you ever loved me you could not do this to me. Now I believe you hate me. I don't know why. I've given you all of me. I've given too much of me and there is nothing left.
I can't do this anymore. It hurts too bad. I want to give up, but I can't. I just want the pain to stop.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
