Well, I'm a slow learner. I think I'm finally making progress. My last post on the last thread (I'm bringing it here to remind myself I'm making progress and because I locked up soon after posting):
Well, H stopped by tonight unannounced. I am a little puzzled about what to do, if anything about it. He made such a huge issue about only having his two evenings a week, but he's been here every night this week. Monday and Tuesday he came and stayed almost two hours each night before leaving with the kids. I invited him to eat dinner with us both nights. He ate with us Monday (Tuesday was spaghetti and he doesn't like it so he just sat with us while we ate).
Last night he offered to pick D15 up from SB practice, brought her home, I invited him to stay for dinner and he did. D15 very quickly started to feel sick. Her temp was 101. I asked H if he would stay with younger kids so I could take D to urgent care. He took them on a FedEx run. D has strep throat. We finished at urgent care in time to pick up the younger two at DQ----he had taken them after the FedEx run.
Tonight he came unannounced, no explanation. I invited him to stay for dinner. He asked "is there enough" (he has asked every night when I ask him to stay ---- I want to say, I only know how to cook for 5, but don't). He stayed and ate, said his goodbyes, thanked me for dinner and left.
I think I'm doing ok at acting upbeat. I don't really know that it means anything except that he can't cook and knows he's paying for the food I'm cooking. I'm not reading anything in to it, and still really am not ready to want anything more-----not until he is ready to do the work needed to start over.
I found out last night his rent is $1200/month. I almost fell over. I had no idea it was that much. I really hope he's "working on his issues" as he said he would, but I know I can't do anything about it............he will eventually have to talk to me about OW, make his choice on his own and do the work if and when he's ready.
I signed up for a jewelry soldering class yesterday, and today found a stained glass class at the local VoTech that I signed up for. Am planning on going to the teaching seminar Saturday. Hopefully all of this will get me to where I need to be. I do feel detached----not completely, but nearly. I don't feel like I want him back no matter what any more, so that must be progress.................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
So,this is H's weekend with the kids. I heard nothing from him today until almost 5. He sent an e-mail asking if it would be ok if he picked them up at 6----or earlier if it would be better. I said 6 was fine, but if he wanted to pick up D15 from sb practice at 5:45 before he came out that would be good. He called and said he had some "e-mail to get out" (???) and couldn't pick D up. I said, fine, no problem.
I picked up D and H showed at the house around 6:25. D11 wanted to go to the "back to school" dance. I told her she needed to talk to dad. Before he left he asked if I was going anywhere---and if not could I take D to and from the dance. I wish I would have at least made up plans for the night..............he said he wanted to take the other two to the car races and wouldn't be back in time to pick up D from dance. I agreed to pick her up, but asked that he take her and make sure that she wanted to stay after she got there. I told him I had a seminar to go to in the morning and had to leave by 9----he said, fine you can drop her off on your way. I said, but I would have to wake her up............he said he would come out here............
It makes me angry. I thought I was doing well, and then he can turn things around so quickly. It makes me mad that he can do what he wants-----and I agree to do what ever makes that happen. I want the kids to do what they want to do, but I also want H to see that he has to handle it all----and not what he wants to do. Oh well, in two weeks I will have plans.............
And, he just called to make sure I knew that D stayed at the dance..........I confirmed that he would not be picking her up tonight..............da** it makes me mad.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
What makes it worse is that I bet he thinks he's doing me a HUGE favor.............so I'm not alone tonight. And, I'm also upset that he has D15 out, and will be out late, when she's still getting over her strep.
Nothing I can do about it................ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Well, D11 woke up with fever. I dropped her off with H on the way to my seminar and told him he needed to take her to urgent care. I was right, he said "and here I thought I was doing something good by letting her stay with you and instead I stuck you with a sick kid."
She has strep too. I knew that she did. Hopefully we all won't end up with it. H has called twice. Once to tell me she threw up and again to ask if he could give her tylenol. I offered to help if he needed it...............I don't like being away from them when they're sick.
I sent h an e-mail telling him I was going to stay around the house because I had a dull headache and am afraid I'm getting it too. Told him I would be around if he needed help with D. In the e-mail I told him I signed up for the teacher's certification program. He replied and said that it was "cool," and that I could stop by anytime to check on D..............so tired of the games.............tired of the second guessing............tired of not knowing what to do......just want my family back together.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
What I'm having the most trouble with today is thinking about how far away H is. When I look at him,it's like he's on another planet. He looks empty.
We had this e-mail arguement 2 weeks ago about scheduling for the kids. He accused me of trying to make him disappear from his their lives. I've done nothing but assure him that I would not let that happen, didn't want it to happen, and no matter what, never will. I backed that up by agreeing to the schedule he had proposed, rather than what I wanted. I also welcomed him here all last week, fed him dinner most nights. One night I almost caught a glimpse of who he used to be. Since then though, it's been nothing but distance. We agreed that on his weekends the kids would stay with me on Sunday nights. I told D15 that she would be coming home Sunday night when she left here Friday and H looked at me, but didn't say anything.
I let it bother me, and finally sent an e-mail Sunday asking if I had gotten that wrong. He said, no, "but he would explain." He hasn't. It's still bothering me. Last night after D15's softball game (we all rode together) D11 brought up the subject of walking from H's house to school. I was very vocal, and I guess for the first time in front of H, I insisted that the walk was too far (probably about a mile). Truth be told, it is yet another thing about this separation that bothers me. That D11 and S9 almost act excited about visitng H at his house. The fact that it is in town, and not out in the sticks like their home has made them think of walking or riding their bikes to school---which they think would be "fun." H said nothing about the conversation, but left the car quickly and didn't turn back. I know he was mad about what I said (the no walking), or how I said it. I do feel though, that even if they are with him, we should discuss if they should be walking a mile to school in the morning. I don't know, I know that everything I say turns in to something he can't stand. Maybe it's true, that he just doesn't even like me anymore...............
I sent him an e-mail last night asking him to call me after the kids were in bed, to talk about kid issues. He didn't call. He didn't call this morning. I sent another one saying I guessed I missed him last night, call when he can. He sent an e-mail saying he just got my e-mail, was running and would call later. I got another one about an "urgent" work matter---he would call "ASAP." That was 3 hours ago. I've only sent the one e-mail today, trying to be patient. The kids will be getting out of school soon. No call. I know he's avoiding. I don't want a "conversation" I just want to clear up these small matters about the kids so they don't continue to build and continue the wedge between us. They come first, and always will, and I don't want anything to make things worse----if that's even possible.
I am moving forward with the teacher's certification program. I am trying to focus on myself. I am TRYING to detach, but then things like this pop up and remind me that with kids in the picture-----and with him being so defensive and worried about losing time with them-----I can't fully detach-----or am I wrong????????
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
The emotional thing..............I think I'm getting better with that. I know I've come a long way. I still let my mind wander to how he can act as if I am no one to him--------when we were first loves..........have had 3 kids and a lifetime together...........but when it wanders there, I just try to tell myself he's the one living a lie now. He's lost. He is the one with the problem, and I do believe that now. I KNOW I can survive without him. A year ago, I didn't think I could.
I just got back from my second yoga class. I love it! I'm hoping to be able to keep my back healthy. I strained it a bit at the first class, but am trying to be more conscious of how much I'm stretching, not to over do it.
It's H's weekend with the kids. Will see him tonight at the football game. D15 will be in the marching band----first performance of the year, she's nervous, and I'm anxious to see it. It's cold here (unseasonably), so I told her to come see me after. I will probably leave after the performance. She also has a softball tournament tomorrow. I will be there too. And, H asked for my help to get D11 to and from her softball practice tomorrow. I hope to disconnect after that with plans of my own, on my own.
I've been away for awhile. Trying to focus. I'm getting tired of living like this (separated), it still feels so wrong, but I know I have no choice and may just have to face the fact that this is the way it will be. I think I'm doing better. I don't try to interpret everything H does or what it might mean anymore, because I don't think H knows what he's doing and why..............sure wish I could hit him with one of those 2X4's though......................oh well.....
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Yesterday I took D11 to a friends so they could go to sb practice together. D15 was between games at her sb tournament. When I got back to the tournament it was raining, and they cancelled the rest of the games. H said he was taking S to baseball practice, could I take D15 because she didn't want to go to practice. I said sure (even though it is "his" weekend). I took her home and later sent H a TM asking when he would be back in town. I was planning on going to my mom's for the night. He called and said they were on their way back would we want to meet for dinner. I said D11 wasn't home yet and D15 was wanting a nap. He said to let him know when D11 was back.
I met my friend later and picked D11 up, and sent H a text telling him she was home, D15 was asleep----he can picke them up when he wants. He answered that maybe he should wait until D15 woke up. I replied that he may not want her to sleep that long............he later again suggested we meet for dinner, so I agreed. I called my mom and told her I wouldn't be coming. The girls and I went to H's house and picked H and S up. H sat in the back. He didn't really speak to me, but asked a couple questions. When we got to the restaurant he sat on the same side of the table as me, but with D15 between us, so he didn't have to look at me. We had dinner almost as if we were at different tables. He talked to the kids. He asked D15 the same question at least 3 times, and then turned to me and asked me the same question-----one that he had asked me in the car. I looked at D15 and mouthed "how many times is he going to ask???" She rolled her eyes. We finished dinner and went to the car. H and D11 didn't come out right away. H went to the bathroom and D was looking at pictures in the lobby.
When we got to the car D asked me if dad was "drunk or something." I said I don't know..............I asked S casually if dad had had a few beers or a whiskey while they were waiting on us and he said no............D also said that H kept rubbing her shoulder and touching her ear and kept repeating the same things...............she said the would probably go hide in her room when they got back to the house. She definitely knows and has witnessed his bizzarre behavior. H continued to repeat himself on the way back to his house.
Anyway, has me wondering...........I know when he lived here I was sure he was drinking too much. I accused him of having a problem, which he denied. I'm sure that he has some kind of an issue with alcohol, but not anything I can do I guess unless I find out he's driving drunk with the kids in the car.........still worries me though. Sometimes I just feel like he's imploding. I watch him and learn of things he's done and said and I know that he is way worse off than I am. It kind of makes me feel good, knowing that I have direction and am making progress, but I still worry about him.
I know that if there is ever a future for "us" it's a long way off. He has a lot of work to do on him, and I'm sure he doesn't realize it.
I'm glad I was there and able to drive them all to dinner though............when I dropped them off H got out of the car, didn't say anything. I hugged each of the kids and turned to say goodbye and H was already half way in the house and never turned to say goodbye or anything.....................made me feel sad, mostly because I am more and more realizing how screwed up he is----not because he wasn't coming home with me.
Any answers or explanations for the behavior, or advice on how to deal with a potential problem with H's drinking???
S has double header baseball games today, so I'll be with them all for most of the afternoon..............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
More time around the alien that is my H this weekend. I really just don't know him anymore. Today my thoughts are centering around the fact that I just can't imagine that if he ever did really love me he couldn't be doing this to me, and to us. If THIS is all ok to him, or something he isn't desperate to fix, then I don't know that he ever loved me---or that I ever knew who he was................
He brought the kids home last night around 8:30. I asked S if he wanted to see what the construction crew did over the weekend. H and the kids went under the house and I listened. I heard H tell D15 that "there's part of YOUR new HVAC system." It's still bothering me. Did he mean YOUR as in yours at this house/not mine?? Or did he mean YOUR as in it will take care of the heating/cooling in her room, or did he say YOUR and mean nothing................
These cold, rainy days just make me think about everything. When I think, I think he'll never change. THIS is the new him..........
Would love to stay in bed today (the rain, the depression creeping back), but today is the Rachel's Challenge assembly at school. I will be going, since I volunteered to be trained and learn about the program. Don't really know what that means, or what I'm going to be doing, but I'm comitted and will go.............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I still don't understand. I am trying. I don't know how you could do this to me and to us. Did you ever love me? I believed you did. I believed that you would love me forever. You promised me that you would. I've read and re-read the letters you wrote to me when we were young. I've kept them all. I have the letter that has the cartoon that you drew. The last frame was a picture of you and me holding hands with three kids around us. The caption read "you and me and our children live happily ever after." I want my happily ever after. I want US back. I want my family back.
Why do I have to sit home alone missing everyone. Why do I have to pay when I'm not the one screwing a former co-worker. Why do I have to pretend to the rest of the world that this is all just because we needed time apart. Why do I have to listen to small town rumors about how I never let you do anything. Well, there is one thing I would have never let you do when living here, and I guess you can do that now and still wear your wedding ring. Do you wear it when you are in bed with her? Why can I not scream from the rooftops what you've done. I told you I wouldn't. I don't want our kids to konw. You are and have always been such a wonderful father. I don't want our kids to know. I don't want to rob them of their childhood. I don't want to rob them from a relationship with you. They need us both. They need us together as a family. Why can't you see that.
You said you were frustrated tonight because getting the kids to your house was complicated by homework and softball practice. Well, it's your fault. It's your fault that we have to have this arrangement, but I'm the one that apologizes for the confusion, because I want you back so badly. I want what we had. I want to find the love again that I thought would never fade.
We used to "fight" about who loved who the most................I win. I don't want to win. I don't want to sit here sobbing, trying to understand what went wrong. Why did it go so wrong.
How can you make me doubt the past? Why do you want me to believe that we were never good. Why. Why do you want me to believe that I have lived a lie. If you ever loved me you could not do this to me. Now I believe you hate me. I don't know why. I've given you all of me. I've given too much of me and there is nothing left.
I can't do this anymore. It hurts too bad. I want to give up, but I can't. I just want the pain to stop.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
