I believe him. I think there is something really wrong with me.
My mother never really liked me very much. It didn't matter how hard I tried.
My sister doesn't like me. I half raised her.
And now, the man who I love, who I vowed to be with, doesn't like me. Even after all these years, and two children--he had to get away from me at all costs, even if it meant loosing everything he had every valued. In fact, he hates me.
Nothing else makes sense in all of this. You all have been so kind, so supportive...but can you really know someone in cyberspace? I mean, no one on the planet knows me as well and as deeply as he does - and he doesn't want it; he has judged me as not good enough.
I tried so hard. And it didn't matter. He doesn't love me anymore, and it is my fault, the way that I treated him and made him feel. And I was too stupid or co-dependent or whatever you want to label it, for me to see it, to hear him, to do that to him in the first place. He never would have left if he had been happy in our marriage, if I had made him feel loved, respected and appreciated.
The people in my life who I have loved most, who have known me best, have all agreed that I am not a good person. Three strikes. How do you argue against that? And no matter what I did to try to become a better person, x still said that I am exactly the same person underneath it all; selfish, always putting myself first.
My children love me now, because you have to love your mother. It is survival. Unconditional love. I wonder how they will see me as they grow up. I can hazard a guess...
I don't expect many of you to understand this. But I have to accept it. And I'm not sure what I have the ability to change about myself. I might not be able to do much - it is near impossible to change personality.
