((maninmotion)), I know we sound hard hearted at times, but we don't mean to appear not to have feelings for those who are hurting. I can't begin to understand you past and how horrible things you went through. If you are a Christian then I would suggest that you get spiritual counseling from your Pastor or a Christian counselor......not so much about the M, but just for you and all the things that seem to have caught up with you. As you said, you are worn out. I can identify with that part. Just to get up and try to put in one more day of work seems to be the goal. After coming home.....nothing is left.....everything is drained. You do not feel equiped to help the children, much less try to raise them. But, what can you do? I worry about your wife having them every other week. You know her best, of course. But, how will this affect the children? Will they be able to adjust to living in one house one week and another the next? I know several couples are doing that these days and calling it "co-parenting", but I just don't see how the kids could ever feel that they had a solid home. But, that is just my idea about it.
You felt like we were beating you up, but that is not our goal at all. We may talk plain but that is b/c often times we get one shot before a person like yourself may leave the board and never come back again. Therefore, we may lay it on the line like we see it and I know it may be a shock and hurt. We aren't trying to "hurt" you b/c you've been hurt enough.
I don't know if you have the strength to do as Puppy suggested. Only you know that. If you separate and then by some miracle can start with a beginner's mind like Michelle talks about.....who knows.....maybe. I'm just afraid that your wife has too many serious issues of her own. I sincerely hope that she will seek help for herself, but you can't make her do that. You can't make her do anything and you can't make her happy. Also, if you try to work everything (including the kids) around her lifestyle and to keep her satisfied......you will have no life at all. You are deciving yourself. She will still be in control and she will constantly be calling you and changing up the times and dates of when she wants the kids over at her place....on and on it goes.
Anyway, even though you feel that you have not gotten off to a very good start, I hope you will not give up coming to the board. People here do care very much. We all have different personalities......not too many like Puppy and myself (which you will be glad to hear). You can draw strength here at this place if you will just continue to come read other people's threads and keep posting.
I hope and pray that you can find peace and that energy will be restored to your body.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've been over in the Separated forum for months. I know PDT wasn't beating me up and I know that sometimes tough love is best. It was just a bad night last night. I was posting to BadCompany for a while in the beginning of his situation and trying to support him and help him out. I know you aren't throwing advice around with no regard for the people. Some people seem to have gotten a dose of sainthood in their ability to hang in there and keep going. I'm just not sure I can continue for another couple of days let alone another couple of months that I think are necessary to get things to where I'm ready to discuss things with my W.
Our parenting plan is to have a family home where the kids are permanent residents and the parents spend at least half of their time living in the house and caring for the kids. I would push for both parents spending every Sunday together with the kids too, but, we will have to see how that balloon floats.
No, I can't make her do anything, and I can't make her happy. She has to learn that happy comes from within and is a decision about how to handle the circumstances of life.
Sandi, the point I was trying to make to PDT is that I've been carrying a heavy burden for some time and working hard on myself and I've reached a point where I have to look beyond my W and our R and think about me and about the kids. What will be the best situation for the kids and what will be the best situation for me? I'm looking for a job closer to home so I don't spend so much time commuting and a bump in salary would allow me to hire some help with certain things. However, part of the solution may well be forcing Mom back into the role of responsible adult.
I hope that clears some things up. I just got back from back to school night for D12 and it was pretty tough seeing all the couples there together.
I don't know if this is an option maninmotion, but could you get someone in to help look after the kids at home for a while to give yourself a chance to rechrge your batteries? Your W does not sound the ideal candidate.
I was brought up with an alocoholic and volatile father and the impact carries on in the way I react to things to this day.
You sound like you are near the end of your tehher and need some practical help so you can sort yourself out.
((((((HUGS)))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I too have been having a tough week or so. Independant of reading this I just posted in my thread a similar view. I have not given up hope but enough is enough.
I had the advantage of knowing what puppy would say, I've found his advice to be both difficult to hear and tough to follow but it has always been helpful.
Hang in there Dan. I had a realization last night that I just can't compete with that life our W's are living. You are only one person and are doing the best you can for your kids. Just like me. It's easy to say "don't be bothered by W's actions" but doing it is another thing entirely.
I don't think I was strong enough when we first spoke of a strong agressive stance re the infidelity in my sitch. I'm not sure I am now but I know that something has to change and as I can only controll myself...Who knows.
Sandi. Thank you for ypur insight. I'll look toward applying it to my sitch as well.
Puppy...been a while but you call it as you see it and are rarely wrong. Your comments about being effective ring through my head every day. (not that I feel like I'm any closer to finding that elusive effective path.)
I wouldn't mind another visit from you all and some suggestions for my sitch. Thank you all for this insight.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
