I am currently 29 years old and got married when I was 23. Growing up, I was shy and didn’t really speak much in high school. I also grew up poor (mom lived on food stamps) and had no father. My father left the family when I was about 7 or 8 and never came back. I did well in my studies and was surprised when I got into Harvard. Growing up, I also felt like I had something to prove.
During my last year of college I met my ex. She didn’t go to Harvard but to another college near Boston. That first year was the best time of my life I can honestly say. We did everything together. We didn’t have a lot of money, but we use to just drive around town at night – sometimes for hours – just talking and getting to know each other. Oftentimes we would be driving close to midnight and when I finally had to take her home since she would fall asleep on lap. Nothing seemed to matter anymore besides she and I. My grades did suffer a bit that last year, but I did graduate and I really didn’t care that they did to be honest. We got married after about a year and half of dating through the courts.
The first three years of our marriage were great. We really got close and I would also be writing her love notes, giving her flowers at her job, doing little romantic things here and there. But most of all, I really enjoyed just be there for her and listening to her speak. We were both very happy.
When we had our daughter, I really began to change. First, money began to get tight between us. Although she said that that didn’t matter to her, I was really disturbed by it. My college debt was high and I began to start to complain about money. My ex didn’t work for the first two years that we had our daughter. We both felt it was the best thing to do for our daughter and I am glad she was able to be there for our daughter. However, that did put a lot of stress on me. When I would come home from work, she was tired and wanted me to take over. I, on the other hand, just wanted to relax. I was beginning to do well at my job and although I didn’t have to stay late, I began to really spend a lot of energy and focus on my job. It did pay off as I got promoted that same year. However, I allowed $$$ and work to become my focus and I was wrong for doing that. When I would come home, I didn’t want to change dapers, spend time with my daughter, etc.
I realize now that you have to make relationships a priority – that great relationships just don’t happen. That you have to keep investing and never stop doing those things that made you fall in love in the first place. Soon my ex and I start to argue about me not helping around in the house, not taking care of our daughter, etc. My excuse was that I was the one working and that I needed to relax. She would tell me also that she needed to relax, but I was too selfish to see that. She really did try to understand my situation, but now I know that she was also tired and really needed me to be there. Being a mom is much more of a full time job than any office job I will ever have. After about three months, I left the house and moved in with a friend. For the first year and a half – I was in and out of my family’s life. I would come over at night several times a week, but soon I would have excuses for not wanting to come over. I would tell her that I needed time by myself. She really tried to make things work between us and wanted me to move back in. I wish I knew then what I know now. The last year and a half before our divorce – I was really absent. It got to the point where I was only there maybe once or twice a week. She would always tell me when we would see each other that she wanted me back and that we should be a family. By that time, my heart had gotten cold. I wanted to focus on doing my own things, my own agenda and didn’t want to be a family. I know that I caused her so much pain by me rejecting her so much. I also know that she really began to resent the person I had become and had a lot of anger towards me – who can blame her. I did a terrible thing. During the last 6 months prior to our divorce, I started to tell her that I wanted to get a divorce – that I just wanted her and our daughter out of my life. She would tell me that she didn’t and that she wanted to make it work out b/t us. Finally, she got tired of me and felt that I was never going to change. She tells me now that she got tired of waiting.
She finally got an attorney. About three months before our divorce, I began to really question my life. I took it my ex for granted and I guess I had assumed that she would never leave me or go through with the divorce. Boy was I wrong. I think deep down I thought that I could always go back to her and that she would accept me. I was no longer happy just going to work and doing my own thing. I really began to hate the person I was inside and began to question what happened to the person I use to be. I use to sacrifice and give everything I had for my ex and then I stop being that person. There is a certain joy that can only come through the giving and dying of self. I once had that joy and I had lost it by being selfish. Like I said in one of my previous responses, man is miserable when he is not fulfilling his true purpose – that is to love and be loved – to know and be known.
Two months before the divorce, I had come to the realization of what life is all about (I will write more on that later). I had made up my mind that my family was worth everything to me and that that was all that matter. I honestly believe that change doesn’t have to take that long to occur. The problem is getting people to face reality – that is the hardest thing to get people to see. Once a person really sees what reality is – change doesn’t have to take that long because reality has a way of steering a person towards purpose.
So now we are where I am today. I will continue on with some of your questions.
Last edited by lovenomatterwhat; 09/10/0802:14 AM.
