Sandi is here and things are getting better!

[Joe]

Sandi,

It's Joe. Long time no hear! It's been a mentally exhausting 2 weeks for me!

I took your advice and pretty much clamed up about talking about our R btwn my W and me. I have nothing but a PMA towards things and even when I have been on the verge of tears, I held the emotions back just long enough for her to think that I was happy. I grieve alot on my own. The R btwn my W and I is strange to me. Lately it has been alot of ups, laughter, talking and doing things as a family. The last 2 days have been a combo of both. I have remodelled our basement and built in a suite for 1 tenant. It is just on the cusp of being finished. It should have been done by April 1 of this year but the threat of her wanting to sell our house was to much for me so I havent been able to go down there and work. It's to emotional for me. Yesterday I asked about buying the appliances for down there and the second she went quiet, I knew what was coming. She told me shes "not there yet" and she doesnt want to but them yet. I guess that tells me we could still possibly put the house up for sale.

People have told me that it is just 4 walls. It is so much more to me then that. It is our HOME! We would definatly be done if it ever came to that.

There has been no physical contact in 4 mths. My sitch and Edgies sitch are identical. I think we are doing a little better then Edgie as we are still talking. Last night I kissed her on the lips for the first time in 4 mths. She accepted it, but I know it suprised her! But it is still cold in our bed. We sleep 3 feet apart. She let me give her a back rub the other night, but then politely said thankyou and rolled back over. But other then that, that has been it. A few hugs here and there. I kiss her forehead every day before I leave for work and give her a hug when I get home. I am gonna try backing off now and tone it back down a few notches.

I leave for a week to Ottawa with our Depts Honor Guard to march in the Canadian Fallen Firefighters Memorial. Our city is hosting it which means TV, newspapers etc. We will be front and center. I am trying to be excited about it, but I am scared to leave her on her own here. I worry what she might do. I hope and pray that she will miss me.

My road, like Edgies is a long hard one.....like yours and everybodies here. I was reading your first post in this thread and I pray that the day comes soon for my W to come out of her fog like you did and realize what you can do about your R instead of running away from it.

This past Sun at church, our Pastor preached about humility. Man I cried hard. My W decided not to come this weekend because she has been stressed out about us. Its giving her haedaches now, yet she wont get help from Pat my counsellor I have been seeing. She is such a wonderful lady to talk to and she goes to the same church! All the signs from God are there, my W just has to chose to read them I guess.

Maybe 1 day soon.

I am on holidays now and after I get back, will have more time to respond. I just have to get this trip out of the way first.

Joe