Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

Thanks Nik and Stella. It has been so wonderful to have so much support. I really hate to leave piecing because you guys have been so great to me. Wondering if I should just go to divorcing or infidelity (been there once already and did not make many connections there). Maybe I should be in MLC??? I just wanted to post something I have been thinking about here for a little while and get everyones opinion.

First, I just have to say that my H is still trying to reach out and be my friend right now. Still getting emails where is checking up on me and joking with me. It makes it so hard to let go, but I am trying to be detached in a kind way. I have to protect my heart at this point.

There are two different camps of reason out there concerning infidelity and I just dont know which one to subscribe to. The first says as long as he is w OW, there in no chance for R. He will be cake eating a relieving his guilt by acting kind towards the LBS. The best set of action is to go NC so that he can see what he is missing. Well, I did try that and it ended with him pulling his paycheck from the bank account and being incredibly hostile towards me. It was an ugly place we were at then.

The second school of thought says dont give OW a moment of thought. In fact, become the OW. Show him what he is missing by being his friend and flirting with him. Dont close the door, but create mystery with your actions. The fact that he is acting kind is because he is testing the waters. He is not sure he is done but is still trying to convince himself he is. Always be nice and upbeat around him so it makes the walking away even harder. I tried this as well and I got sucked into believing that every little action was a babystep and that meant he was going to come home one day. Kept me WAY to connected in a very unhealthy way. My heart could not take hoping that much just to have him marry OW.

Ok, now here is my school of thought: Always be nice and upbeat around him because it makes ME feel better, knowing I am a good person and still capable of having compassion with someone who may not deserve it. Look as cute as possible because it makes ME feel good and confident, not doing it for him. If it makes it hard for him to leave, good because he needs to feel anguish over what he has done. If not, then he is a shadow of the man I knew and I dont need the new him anyway. Go NC when it comes to my personal life and dont care about his personal life, it no longer concerns me. This way I get to detach and heal but dont feel like I am being a mean angry b!tch in the process. I'm not going to pay attention to OW because I know she is a bandaid. If he moves on with her then he will get what he deserves, and he clearly does not derserve me. I truly believe that he is suffering tremendously from his guilt because of the things he has said. Good. I do not believe that my acting with kindness is going to make that go away. He knows what he did and he will have to live with it for the rest of his life. I am no longer going to reach out to him, that is over. No long talks, no glasses of wine, just friendly "Hi, how are you doing" kind of stuff. I am going to focus on giving to me and my S only. So, what do you think? Personally, I feel that I will be divorced by May of next year, but it no longer scares me because I have been alone for 2.5 years already.

My brother keeps telling me that I need to sign up for some dating websites. He said it was not to go on dates, but to meet new friends. He said that it would really help me to finally let go because the one thing I fear is that I will never have a relationship as good as the one I had with my H when it was good. He says I need to see that there are really great people out there and that does not mean I jump right into bed with any of them. I am not ready for that. What do you think? I admit the thought both terrifies me and excites me. It would be nice to feel desired again, but I am not ready for any kind of R at all. Still, meeting new friends is not such a bad thing either. Thoughts?