I understood your post MWG. I know that isn't what you were saying. Although I know that he does lie and cheat. That my dear is absolutely no secret. Well, he thinks it is...:(.
But as I said, I really don't think he told people this stuff to get a reaction out of me. It had nothing to do with me. He said that stuff because it really is what he is thinking. It is what is going on in his head. Decisions he is trying to make for HIM.
When he says this kind of crazy stuff TO me. Then yes, that is why...because he is trying to pull my chain. I asked him once why he does this, he said, I don't know, just blowing. I told him he does it just to see if he can get a rise out of me and he said, "ya, your probably right". And we laughed about it.
The 401K thing, I'm glad you think I wasn't overstepping. I wanted to offer the suggestion, but not be "telling" him what to do. I think he took it that way. I hope.
And your right about the hurt. I catch myself saying or doing something out of my anger or hurt of this sitch. I try and not let that happen, but sometimes it just does. It's hard not to let our emotions show to the outside world.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
The 401k thing--you are still married to him and I know in my state, everything is split right down the middle. There is no reason why you shouldn't have given him financial tidbits about his plan. You were just giving him information not telling him what to do and that is a huge thing.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Question??? I know I know...No expectations...but come on...
D17 had an evaluation today. H knew all about it. I told him yesterday. I thought he'd call either her or I to see what she found out. Guess what? NOPE!
He can call OW's daughter to wish her a happy birthday but something as important as his OWN daughter, he forgets or doesn't worry about it. Not worth the call...makes no sense.
I understand why they do all they do to us, the LBS. What I can not understand is why they hurt their children. What did these girls do to ever deserve to be treated with such cruelty?
I of course wanted to call him and ask why, but it does absolutely no good, so letting it go...:[
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I know how hard it is to see the kids getting treated this way by their dad. It's the same in many of our situations, and I don't believe any of us had an easy time watching it happen. But it seems to in many circumstances.
I guess I looked at it as the WAS 'cutting ties' in as many ways as he could from his 'old life'. If he kept any ties, there would be too many reminders to make him feel guilt/shame..and remind him of his old self.
In alot of cases though, after some time, I think they start to come back around and re-connect with the kids. Maybe never like they did before the MLC, but stil re-connect in some way that appeases the kids good enough at that time. After they've been ignored, they usually will accept whatever crumb is thrown out to them from the WAS. Hopefully , as they mature, they will decide for themselves if they are satisfied with crumbs, or if they will decide to distance themselves from the WA parent.
In my families case, my XH connects with our adult sons, mainly as a 'bud'. Will take one of them out to eat once every couple of months or so..by them a drink if they run into each other at a bar, etc. Not my idea of a family get -together, but the boys seem to accept it , as it is the only thing being offered
It does still upset me. They don't/won't go to their dad when they're in trouble or need help. They'll come to me or to my mom..but they generally 'jump' when their dad gets around to spending a few hours with them. It hurts, to be honest. I know they feel safe because they know I'm always there for them, but they spend their 'fun' time with their dad, and he basically gets to walk away from the more troublesome areas of their lives.
They're in their mid 20s/early 30s now....so, believe me when I say divorce affects the older kids just as much as the younger ones. It scares/saddens me to think how they've been 'changed' by all of this. Especially when I remember the kind of family they use to have...and now they have....this. Ugh.
Anyway, TOH...it's part and par of the course. Be upset, you certainly have a right to be. But don't act on it...don't say anything, do anything, don't let on to your kids. They'll make up their own minds in time, and if your H can't see what he's doing, you pointing it out isn't going to help. he has to see it on his own, with no help from you.
I'm sorry you're hurting from this. So many of us have gone through the same thing..and felt the same way.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
And your right D does hurt/effect the kids. So many of the MLC'rs and their OW/OM believe that the kids will be just fine, that they will adjust. My H has said the very same thing. Well how easily he forgets how hard it was for me. My parents D when I was 13. F married his OW. I got along fine with her but was always second best to her 2 daughters. H was there he knows. And yet...he is doing the same to his own...
D17 can't take much more hurt and rejection right now. I definately am not pointing out that dad did not call. She is old enough to make up her own mind about him. I am doing my best to stay out of the R with him and the girls.
I've been there in their shoes, I know. If only I could protect them if he ends up with his OW.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I feel your pain about your kids. I too suffered divorce M married OM. F lost in trying to rebuild his life. I am terrified of that for my S. He idolizes his father. Has since he was a little boy. I see the pain in his eyes, the concern he has for me and the confusion he has right now trying to understand why his father is doing all of this. I can't explain it to him. I don't understand it myself. I just feel like they get into such a selfish rut....
I too cannot "go dark". We still live in the same house. We still are devoted parents. (So far). I understand what you are struggling with.
Good luck.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
im not a parent but i can only imagine what it does. I think how you as the only parent with marbles intact has such a big effect on how they handle it. you can raise your D's as doormats and sons as adulterers or as men and woman who see values and never will take or dish out this kind of abuse. Lessons from childhood are strong....as a teen of my 1st riding instructors was so demeaning to me saying how I wasnt as good as so and so or my horse wasnt meant for the job. things that made me horribly sad....I vowed as an instructor never to teach any person like that...it still rings true today.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I am probably the exception about kids of D. My mom D'd my dad and it was one of the best decisions of her life. We adjusted and thrived after the D. My dad died drunk and broke, the same way he lived his life.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, My mom D'd my dad as well. For the same reason. Excessive drinking. My dad was the nicest guy, but couldn't leave the beer alone. He drank until about 2 years before his death. Then he was too sick to enjoy life. Carried around an oxygen tank at his side. He stayed with OW but the day he died we found out that they had divorced 5 years after M. They lived together though for 15 years. No one told us. I believe because my dad was ashamed.
It was good that M and D D'd as they faught all the time. But the step family was really hard on us kids. We always were treated second best. And if D had anything when he died. My stepmother kept it all. Us kids got nothing. My D had always said he wanted my B to have his truck. Well that never happened either.
All I care about was that he had a decent burial. That it was paid for. It was. I haven't seen or spoken to step mom or step sisters since. My choice. He's been gone 4 years in Jan.
I never ever wanted my D to go through this pain. Now, it may be out of my control. I just pray that if H never comes back to me, he picks another woman to be with not the current OW. The current I am afraid would be horrid.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
"They all say the same. Keep track of everything. I do. There is nothing else I can do until one of us files."
Actually you can.. you can set up a personal checking account in your name only and transfer the bill paying money into there. Yes, you should keep track of it, but as far as I know there is no reason you can not have your own account..or maybe you do already? This way you can keep funds safe, pay the bills, and he can't take the funds to play around.
Also end joint credit cards. Have your own and take your name off his. It is easier to get them before any divorce. You can also subdivide any savings to protect it.
