Please help me to not give up............

[sandi2]

Well hello again. We are getting out time in today, aren’t we? (lol) Hope your day was not as stressful as mine has been at work. I would love my job only they put more on me than I am able to do without getting stressed, which I know is not good for me, but I am only one person. Seems to be the story of my work history that every job I’ve ever had, that was the way it would be and the minute I left, they would replace me with three people! Beats all I’ve ever seen.

Anyway about my personal stitch, everything is about the same. I have realized something though and you said something in your post that made me think of this again. When a couple has been married for a long time, we fall into a habit of things…..good or bad. Most of the time we develop lazy or negative patters of behavior, for an example…. speaking a little crabby to the other one, and then they will respond sharply and before you realize it, you are talking very cranky all the time and don’t even realize it. I used to see older people do this and would think to myself that I never wanted to end up like that….but that is about the shape my H and I had gotten in and did not realize how awful we sounded to each other. It all boils down to the fact we stop trying as hard. That is why I said what I did about trying to return to the person we were when our S’s was attracted to us. After many years of M, we act like we could care less if they are attracted or not….in fact, some of us probably hope they aren’t (lol). Anyway, as I told some others, I also think some of it is a simple fact of getting on each other’s nerves. Now, that should not be the case in your stitch since you are away from each other so much, but with some couples, I think a few days apart would do them good! When a couple has been M for many years and are entering a new phase of their life together, there are a new set of adjustments to make. When you stop and think about it, I suppose M never is at a real standstill b/c we are changing whether we realize it or not. Families and couples go through a lot of phases down through life and they have to learn to get through it together or they will either go their separate ways or be miserable together and not have a true R with each other. So, to answer your question about how my M is doing…..there hasn’t been a lot of change and I see my H falling back into some old habits of how he speaks to me in that “crabby” tone, but I have started calling his hand on it instead of keeping it buried inside and staying hurt over it. My goal for this week is going to be to try my best to talk to him in the same tone of voice that I would speak to anyone at work or a guest or anyone other than a husband. (Lol)

BTW, when I was talking about your short-term goals, I did not mean for your M, but for yourself personally. You’ve already told some things that you will do that will be good for your self esteem, such as see that C. That was what I meant. When I set goals, it helps me to work better toward that end. So, keep me accountable, okay?

My H never changed or pretended to change when we had our problems. He said he had done no wrong! It was all me. It always was my fault about everything, but that really took the cake when he would not admit to having any part of the breakdown toward our M. Although, he did seem to try to be considerate and speak kinder to me afterwards. So, I don’t want him slipping now. I can’t blame him about not much change b/c my biggest thing has been to try to heal and get over my own issues where the OM was concerned and resolve to stay in the M with my H. It seems that I should have been able to do that a lot sooner, but as I’ve said, I just have not felt the desire or energy that I need to do what I need to do. I have felt as though I did all the work for 40 years and frankly got tired of being blamed for things I didn’t feel was my fault. I think it just became “handy” to blame me instead of taking certain responsibilities or to “work” at it. So, after my health started to break and I couldn’t fill in the “dead” feelings with other things, I gave up. Once you do that….it is so very hard to find that life again. At least it has been for me. But, I am praying and believing. I think God will help me, but it is taking longer for me than I thought it would. One reason is my fault and that is b/c I know that if I act too over ……how shall I say this?…….too excited about jumping back into things with both feet, that he will get false hopes rising real quickly and I don’t know if I’m totally prepared for that. I know I should want that, but like I said, I don’t have the total desire yet. I’m working on it, but it’s a slow go right now. Remember, I did not chose to stay with my H b/c I wanted to, but b/c I knew it was the “right thing to do” and b/c I could not support myself. So, that is the main reason it has been a slow process of healing.

In talking about how your W reacted to waking up and realizing the two of you had went to bed together and had sex……she may have had some of those feelings that I just described about myself. I’m sure she was disoriented at first, but then when she realized what had happened, her first thoughts were probably that she had gone and messed up by doing something to cause you to believe everything was going to be just lovey-dovey……and she did not want you thinking that for a second. Apparently she was so confused she could not even remember that it was she that came on to you….or maybe she did and that made her feel even worse.

I’m really glad to hear that you and the MIL get along well b/c that would be another big problem if you didn’t. I just hope your W doesn’t try to turn her against you while trying to win her mother over to her side of things. Relatives and friends tend to take sides even though they feel uncomfortable, like you said. I hope you will get back out there and learn to be a “social” person again. I used to be more that way myself, but my H wasn’t. So, after so many years, I just gave up trying to get him to go anywhere or do anything that was “fun”. Then for a while, it was as though the tables had turned, and by then I had gotten where I did not want to go and do as much or be around a lot of people as much as I once did. Strange how that works. But, I think if it was once in your nature to be that way, you can again. Whatever makes you feel good, first of all, and whatever makes you more of an interesting and attractive person, second of all. Those are the traits that draw others to you.

Well, I think I could just talk all day to you, but I realize I need to let you go for now. Hope you can sleep better tonight. Those dreams can be bad and I think it is all b/c of the stress you are under. If you don’t get enough hours of rest, you may have to get a little help for that. But, since you had the experience with your W, maybe you should stay away from wine. (lol).

Talk to you later,
Sandi