ok I had a little bit to think and calm down. First off I appreciate everyone being blunt with me. I am aware that I come across as an idiot for loving my wife this much when she had an affair, got pregnant, and is flirting with some new guy. I don't understand it really. She is nothing like the woman I knew for so many years....I don't know if its the company she keeps, the fact that she's a legal adult and not living with mom and dad or what. My wife seriously got a big bad dose of karma and she knows it. I used to try telling her we needed to be together partly for our sons sake and she said 'he'll be fine' now she is miffed that the other man doesn't think they need to be together because they have a child coming. I can post on here the same old stuff like 'what is she thinking' but I know the answer. She is thinking about herself, with her heart and not her brain. Meanwhile I have stood by and let her cry on my shoulder when he ditched her, got her pregnant and blew her off. I think she told me about this new guy because she thinks I don't want her anymore. Who knows. Pretty sure if she wanted me, she wouldn't be doing all this.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
I assumed in the grand scheme of things of detaching or GAL, it's important for her to think I'm not fazed by all this. Not sure. I have lost my way. Although my wife hasn't been this open with me since last year. It is a pleasure to talk to her most times. That won't last. OM riles her up. Marriage is a sacrament, commitment, and a choice above all. I love her too much to let all this stop me. Life will go on without her
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
I assumed in the grand scheme of things of detaching or GAL, it's important for her to think I'm not fazed by all this.
WRONG. Detaching doesn't mean "don'tgiveachit." Detaching means that you don't base your OWN decisions on how SHE is going to react to it (there's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it).
What you want HER to think is "Badcompany is a man of honor, and it's obvious that he still loves me, but he does NOT agree with what I'm doing, and he seems to be moving on without me. I hope it's not too late to try to get him back once I figure out w.t.h. it is I want to do!!!!"
And I'm sorry too, but yeah, she's using you like a woman would use a gay friend.
WRONG. Detaching doesn't mean "don'tgiveachit." Detaching means that you don't base your OWN decisions on how SHE is going to react to it (there's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it).
What you want HER to think is "Badcompany is a man of honor, and it's obvious that he still loves me, but he does NOT agree with what I'm doing, and he seems to be moving on without me. I hope it's not too late to try to get him back once I figure out w.t.h. it is I want to do!!!!"
This is something I needed to read as well. I feel I'm getting there myself. Now I just have to worry about the actual decisions I'm making in my life.
Thanks pup.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Read your Reagan quote and just wanted to say I needed to hear that, thanks.
My wife knows that I don't approve of any of what she's doing, and I have found that the reason the other man left her was because he couldn't handle me being in her life long term. Also the reason she used to be so nasty and short with me was because he got jealous very easy. Now that he is gone, she is much more receptive to what I say, including asking my opinion on things non-R related and generally being friendly. She told me she feels awful for screwing me over and she is getting her 'just desserts'.
I was hoping you could help with how to word what I should say to her to get her to arrive at the frame of thought you mentioned in your last post...
'a lot has happened in the past 3 months, I don't approve of any of it, but it happened and we can't change it. I want you to know that you carrying someone else's child doesn't change the way I feel about you, and my door is open to reconcile at the right time'
How would you change that ?
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
She told me she feels awful for screwing me over and she is getting her 'just desserts'.
I call b.s. It's because you are now her shoulder to cry on. You are not her girlfriend, though, or her gay friend so I'd express that you aren't interested in her dating. If she doesn't think you are interested in her, then perhaps you should say so and see what she says. What have you got to lose? Not a whole lot. What has she got to lose? Well, if you've been working to be the best guy possible, then she's got a lot to lose.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
She told me she feels awful for screwing me over and she is getting her 'just desserts'.
I call b.s. It's because you are now her shoulder to cry on. You are not her girlfriend, though, or her gay friend so I'd express that you aren't interested in her dating. If she doesn't think you are interested in her, then perhaps you should say so and see what she says. What have you got to lose? Not a whole lot. What has she got to lose? Well, if you've been working to be the best guy possible, then she's got a lot to lose.
I mostly agree with that. I've long said that there are several stages of "remorse" in these situations:
PHASE 1. I call this one "I'm sorry I got caught." self-explanatory
PHASE 2. "I'm sorry that I hurt ME." The wayward SAYS "I'm sorry" a lot during this phase, perhaps for the first time, but what they're REALLY sorry about is that they are hurting so much, so confused, and have, often, BOTH their spouse and the OM/OW upset with them -- plus often loved ones if the affair has been properly exposed.
PHASE 3. TRUE REMORSE -- "I'm sorry I hurt YOU, and others around me."
I think your wife is still PHASE TWO, BC.
To answer your question, there is nothing you can SAY to her. It is what you DO, how you interact with her (and NOT interact with her -- how you move on, and GAL), and in your attitude and demeanor. If you must say something, you can occasionally get in "truth darts" (explained elsewhere), or you can say simply "You know how I feel about you." But you can't CONVINCE a wayward. You can only lay out your own boundaries of personal integrity, learn to enforce them, and let natural consequences of the wayward's adultery kick in for them without rescuing them.
Words mean nothing, they're cheap. I had to learn that the hard way, as I fancy myself, by nature, as a wordsmith, and always felt that if I could JUST somehow combine the right words, and say (or write) them, just so . . . . she would end her affair, and come back to me.
I agree with the phase two. Well I agree with everything. As soon as you said that you figured if you used the right combination of words she'd end the affair, that's my life to a T. I realize now it can't be done. I'm going to skip all the babble and just say tell her she knows how I feel.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
