Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Hey Sandi, How are you?
I hope you are doing okay. It occured to me, reading through all the posts today, that I had not really asked too much about your present circumstances. Is your sitch the same now as you described it previously? I really hope that your H could realise what he might be missing out on!!

I am once again, humbled by your generousity of spirit towards me and my struggles.
We are so lucky to have the benefit of your experience.

Well, the day kinda started badly......... oooops. I woke up after having one of those weird surreal nightmares. Guess it was just my mind trying to process all the stuff going on in my life at the moment.

I have felt a bit emotional today, but I've been thinking positively and spoke to my kids a few times over the past couple of days. That's always great, and it helps me to focus on them, and to be conscious that any improvements and changes that I make, will make our relationship all the better. That really is a blessing, and I thank God that I have them, and they still love me.

They are wonderful kids (he said in a completely unbiased fashion!), and they really do bring me joy at a time when there is too little joy in my life.

Much of what you say in your post is what I've been focusing on the last while.
I am going to my C regularly now, and I'm really hopeful and optimistic that I'll get something out of it. She's quite clear that this will be about me, more than my M,or R with my wife. Of course, it's all inextricably linked, but I'm encouraged by the idea that this will be for me...... To get to know me again, to find answers and solutions to the issues and difficulties that I have. I think it will be very good for my PMA.

Also, it feels like I'm actually doing something proactive......... something for me. I'm hoping that it will help with my self-esteem too. Something that, as you rightly say, is in short supply for me right now.

You're so so right about me getting away from the "blame" mindset. I must accept my share of responsibility, but no more. I think the C will help with this too.

It's interesting what you were saying about trying to get some kind of connection with the person that I was when I met my W. I've been thinking about that a lot too lately and kinda wondering about what the main differences in my character might be. Of course, time marches on, and change is so slow and imperceptible, particularly over 20 years!! But I think mainly I had a confidence and an optimism that in many ways have been eroded over the past few years. There's bound to be other things too, and I know that C will help to bring that to the fore too.

I realise that this is an important tool in the DB arsenal, although sometimes, that information about yourself is quite hard to gather.

I'm kind of looking at it like it's Counselling/Therapy.

I appreciate your saying about the home situation. I desperately want to be there more, but I think I have to be patient, and a bit more subtle about it. I can't just bulldoze my way in there and set up camp. It might become easier to get to the point where that's a possibility, if I can make my W feel more comfortable and relaxed over a period of time. I realise that patience, consistency and perseverance are the keys here, but I think for the moment, things are probably for the best as they are for now. BTW, I absolutely adore my MIL. That's why I was all for her moving in to my home. My father in law died 3 years ago from cancer, so she was living on her own all that time. It seemed like the right thing to do, and more than that, I actively facilitated it. She (MIL) is wonderful, and though she is worried and upset that my W and I have split, and has intimated her anger to my W about her A,
ultimately she is her daughter, and she knows that she has not been happy.

I understand that. I have not pursued her to pressure my W in any way. That wouldn't be right, and it would not work. However, that relarionship too has become very strained. In fact, although it's quite understandable, pretty much all of my in-laws have distanced themselves from me. I don't blame them. People don't want to be around tension or be in potentially awkward situations. It's human nature.
But I do act "as if" when I', around my MIL. I see no reason to adjust my opinions or feelings for my family that I have loved for 20 years too.


I'm pretty good with people I think. It's part of my job to make people feel comfortable and creative in a work environment, and when I'm not going through turmoil and upset, I think I do have a capacity to be "charming". I think it's a great idea that you suggest I use every opportunity to exercise that muscle.

In truth, when I genuinely reflect on how I am now, I think that over the years I have become a bit of a loner. Not so much because that's the way I prefer it, ( I love social interaction with people, friends family etc.), but because I think I have allowed my circumstances to dictate it. Hence why I think, removed from my home/other life, I am finding it a real strggle to gal etc. But I'm really working to get to the core of these issues.

I haven't broken down or appeared miserable for about a month now. I know that's deeply unattractive, and does not paint me in a good light. Our convos have been light and no R or M talk for 3 weeks now. God, is it only 3 weeks. It feels like 3 months!!

I did lose a rather alarming amount of weight with stress etc, and I certainly didn't need to lose it. W did not like it either,but I have put most of that back on now.

Since getting the DR book, I implemented all of the things about looking the beat I can, bought some new clothes, nice cologne, and went home looking great and acting my socks off.
The first time I did that, the results were really dramatic. It's a long story, but I messed up. She was so receptive, gave me compliments,and the upshot of it was, that after drinking rather too much wine, she invited me into my bed. WTF??

Unfortunately, I jumped in, and in the middle of the night after she had made advances toward me, she appeared to be in some sort of trance. It freaked me out, and it was like she couldn't breathe. When after a bit of a panic, she seemed to snap out of it, she just stared at me, and said "What are you doing, why are you in this bed....... Oh God, what did I do?"

Well, that was all very surreal. I knew we'd had a bit to drink, but she simply denied any knowledge of her asking me to sleep there.

That was a big backslide, because for the next few weeks, she just withdrew further and further.

Anyway, I digress.

Psychics?............ No. Stupid idea. Won't do it again. Thankyou.

I'll think on the the DB coaching thing too. I might just see how C comes along.
I'm conscious of needing to set some more short term goals, but as I don't see W very often, I'm still working on the goal of getting through our weekends in a positive, friendly way for a continued consistent period.

It would be different if I saw her more. The time frame is bound to take longer than for those who are still lucky enough to be around their spouses more frequently.

I don't think realistically I can expect anything too much from her right now, and also as you rightly said, I'll only set myself up for disappointment if I set my expectations too high. Does that make sense? I really hope so.

Sorry to take up some much of your time, it's so lovely of you to think of me!

I am really listening!!!

Thanks again Sandi. x