My marriage is here: "Others are having affairs, admit it (or were caught at it), and express no desire to end it and work on their marriages."
I have a thread under infidelity/extramarital affairs/ jealousy the post is called: Advice-Husband moved in with OW(I'm a Newby)
I have just joined the DB forum about a week ago-best thing I've done since this all started. Also joined the Marriage Builders forum. If you have time maybe you could read my story. My husband has been out of the home since 05/08/08 and moved in with OW on August 1st. I thought maybe it would be a good thing ya know a taste of reality. He's pretty angry at me most of the time although he did all this. He lashes out a lot blames me for everything says I told kids not to talk to him, blames me for financial stuff-he got demoted through all this and pay is less.
I basically have basically cut almost all contact with him for last 3 months unless its financial or kids. Its mostly been financial as the kids have been so mad they have not wanted to see him which of course he blames me for. Do you think I should put some kind of pressure on him to choose or do you think by him moving in with OW that is a choice? I have basically just dropped off the radar unless there is a reason to contact which by the way is only through email as he doesn't' talk via phone, its like dealing with a child.
Through this, about 4 months since discovery he has not said he wants the marriage. Should I just continue or at some point does he need to be asked to make a decision? I have basically said hey I can't make you love me and I couldn't have made you marry me and stay the last 18 years and i cant make you do anything. Do I need to press him to make a decision or let him just continue to live with her or is living with her a decision itself.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Thanks so much and apologies if I may have hi-jacked, I'm new to forums and etiquette. Sorry again. I did red alot of all the threads on here. It helped me.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hubby says he has told OW they are done and he needs to get his life straightened out and it does not include her...
He has not moved his stuff from her house..stayed at a friends one night and with me last night..:)
I let him know that he could just come home and work on us here... i am not sure if he will come here or still try and find someone to stay with in the interim....
We have had some great talks... We both want to do things right to make this work and he doesnt want to hurt me again....
We have talked about the withdrawal from the OW...mostly I brought it up and let him know its a possibility.. that was the main reason he was going to stay with a friend.. to protect me.. and get his head clear.
I love him with all my heart and hope this is for real... but he has not had a chance to get his things..so every day is still pins and needles....
He said he promises honesty to me...that is a chance I am willing to take...
Where would she think he was when he was in my bed? My D10 read his text messages on Sunday... they were not good...she was trying to get ahold of him sat morning because he stayed at a friends on friday.... she was being clingy, bitchy, insecure..she called him an ass.... i love it.
I have spent 19 years with this person... he screwed up big time but i sent him a text after he left this morning to not get stressed..i would be by his side through all this and had faith we could make it..I love you and know we can get to where we need to be with time and committment..dont give up..i haven't
He sent back: thank you.. I honor your patience and dedication..your a wonderful woman.
Puppy ..what good would it do me to not be optimistic... I am keeping myself gaurded..but I wont find happiness or be able to give him the opportunity to make things right if I am bitter....
My goal is reconsiliation for my hubby and myself....
san...hello, I've never commented to you before but I just read through this thread.
I agree with Puppy. You can be hopeful, and you can feel happy that your H is coming around, and you can put your faith into God and into your H...but at the same time, your H must be looked at literally like a drug addict. He cannot control his actions at this time and he will lie to you, just like an addict. Would you give an addict, even if it were your closest friend or relative, your wallet and expect them not to spend your money on drugs? You really have to think of your heart that way, too. Do NOT place your heart on the line by believing your H's words.
That doesn't mean you have to accuse him of lying and it doesn't mean you should not have faith that this can recover.
What it means is that until he has proven to you, beyond any doubt, that he is done with OW and is being transparent to you....UNTIL THAT HAPPENS, then you don't just blindly believe the words that are coming out of his mouth.
Instead, you should just view him as if he does not have the ability to tell the truth right now, even if he wants to. He HIMSELF does not actually know his own truth right now, and that is a large part of why wayward spouses are so conflicted, confusing and foggged out.
Tell yourself that he has torrets syndrome, and that you can't believe the words coming out of his mouth, whether they are words you want to hear or words you fear hearing...both ways, it is just the torrets talking, for now.
