I would appreciate you leaving this thread unlocked for people to include more information for those who are victims of abuse.
I was getting ready to add the following reply and noticed the previous thread was locked.
If possible (IN A SEPARATE THREAD please to follow the rules) can you address the REASONS threads are locked? Is there something posted about when and why threads are locked?
I know generally threads are locked around 100 posts or at the posters' request but I did not ask for my information thread to be locked.
If the request is for me to leave the boards, ask.
Now - Information on victims of abuse:
Definition of Abuse The American Heritage Dictionary defines abuse as the following:
To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse a privilege. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile. The mere fact that so many different forms of abuse exist is frightening. When you consider that the above doesn't include all the possiblities its even more so. Abuse can be physical, mental, verbal, or even intimidation. Whether the abuse takes the form of Sexual Harassment, Bullying, or physical or emotional harm the results are serious.
Victims (or Survivors) of abuse suffer a variety of problems such as low self-esteem, post-traumatic stress, and phobias. These effects linger and drive some to drastic measures. In most cases, the pain and anger of the survivor of abuse is acted out against themselves. This can take the form of self-injury such as cutting, or as eating disorders, and in some suicide.
There are times that the pain and anger finds an external target... sometimes against their abusers, sometimes later in life against their family. Abuse has proven to be a factor in many school shootings as well.
Don't stand for abuse, if you know someone who is abusing someone else, report them and stop the cycle of abuse.
Bullying Child Abuse Cult Abuse Domestic Abuse Elder Abuse Rape & Sexual Assault Sexual Abuse & Incest Verbal Abuse
General Resources
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
__________________________________________ COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS (adapted)
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.
Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm.
Basic forms include:
striking punching pushing, pulling slapping Whipping striking with an object Locking in or out of a room or place/False imprisonment pinching kicking having someone fall kneeing strangling head butting drowning sleep deprivation exposure to cold, freezing exposure to heat or radiation, burning exposure to electric shock placing in "stress positions" (tied or otherwise forced) cutting or otherwise exposing somebody to something sharp exposure to a dangerous animal throwing or shooting a projectile exposure to a toxic substance infecting with a disease withholding food or medication spanking is subject to controversy as to whether it qualifies as physical abuse. assault bodily harm humiliation torture Blinding a person/causing vision impairments e.g. throwing acid into eyes/face, having eyes gouged out. negligence Biting humiliation
Sometimes problems come up when kids visit one parent and then go home to the other. For example, one parent might ask a lot of questions about stuff the other parent is doing. Sometimes a parent wants the kid to be a messenger between homes. Kids usually feel uncomfortable when this sort of thing happens. They wish that parents would just ask each other what they want to know.
Kids don't want to feel like they are in the middle. If something like this happens to you, talk to your parents and tell them how it makes you feel.
Childhood Stress As providers and caretakers, adults tend to view the world of children as happy and carefree. After all, kids don't have jobs to keep or bills to pay, so what could they possibly have to worry about?
Plenty! Even very young children have worries and feel stress to some degree. Stress is a function of the demands placed on us and our ability to meet them.
Sources of Stress Pressures often come from outside sources (such as family, friends, or school), but they can also come from within. The pressure we place on ourselves can be most significant because there is often a discrepancy between what we think we ought to be doing and what we are actually doing in our lives.
Stress can affect anyone — even kids — who feels overwhelmed. Toddlers, for example, may be anxious if the person they most need to feel safe — a parent — isn't around enough. In preschoolers, separation from parents is the greatest cause of anxiety.
As kids get older, academic and social pressures (especially the quest to fit in) create stress. In addition, well-meaning parents sometimes unwittingly add to their kids' stress. High-achieving parents might have great expectations for their kids, who may lack their parents' motivation or capabilities. Parents who push their kids to excel in sports or who enroll them in too many activities can cause stress and frustration if their kids don't share their goals.
Many kids are too busy to have time to play creatively or relax after school. Kids who complain about the number of activities they're involved in or refuse to go to them may be signaling that they're overscheduled.
Talk with your kids about how they feel about extracurricular activities. If they complain, discuss the pros and cons of quitting one activity. If quitting isn't an option, explore ways to help manage your child's time and responsibilities so that they don't create so much anxiety.
Kids' stress may be intensified by more than just what's happening in their own lives. Do your kids hear you talking about troubles at work, worrying about a relative's illness, or fighting with your spouse about financial matters? Parents should watch how they discuss such issues when their kids are near because children will pick up on their parents' anxieties and start to worry themselves. World news can cause stress. Kids who see disturbing images on TV or hear talk of natural disasters, war, and terrorism may worry about their own safety and that of the people they love. Talk to your kids about what they see and hear, and monitor what they watch on TV so that you can help them understand what's going on.
Also, be aware of complicating factors, such as an illness, death of a loved one, or a divorce. When these are added to the everyday pressures kids face, the stress is magnified. Even the most amicable divorce can be a difficult experience for kids because their basic security system — their family — is undergoing a tough change. Separated or divorced parents should never put kids in a position of having to choose sides or expose them to negative comments about the other spouse.
Symptoms of Stress While it's not always easy to recognize when kids are stressed out, short-term behavioral changes — such as mood swings, acting out, changes in sleep patterns, or bedwetting — can be indications. Some kids experience physical effects, including stomachaches and headaches. Others have trouble concentrating or completing schoolwork. Still others become withdrawn or spend a lot of time alone.
Younger children may show signs of reacting to stress by picking up new habits like thumb sucking, hair twirling, or nose picking; older kids may begin to lie, bully, or defy authority. A child who is stressed may also have nightmares, difficulty leaving you, overreactions to minor problems, and drastic changes in academic performance.
Reducing Stress How can you help kids cope with stress? Proper rest and good nutrition can boost coping skills, as can good parenting. Make time for your kids each day. Whether they need to talk or just be in the same room with you, make yourself available.
Even as kids get older, quality time is important. It's really hard for some people to come home after work, get down on the floor, and play with their kids or just talk to them about their day — especially if they've had a stressful day themselves. But expressing interest in your kids' days shows that they're important to you.
Help your child cope with stress by talking about what may be causing it. Together, you can come up with a few solutions like cutting back on after-school activities, spending more time talking with parents or teachers, developing an exercise regimen, or keeping a journal.
You can also help by anticipating potentially stressful situations and preparing kids for them. For example, let a child know ahead of time that a doctor's appointment is coming up and talk about what will happen there.
Remember that some level of stress is normal; let kids know that it's OK to feel angry, scared, lonely, or anxious and that other people share those feelings.
Helping Your Child When kids can't or won't discuss these issues, try talking about your own concerns. This shows that you're willing to tackle tough topics and are available to talk with when they're ready. If a child shows symptoms that concern you and is unwilling to talk, consult a counselor or other mental health specialist.
Books can help young kids identify with characters in stressful situations and learn how they cope. Check out Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst; Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, and Taylor Bills; and Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown.
Most parents have the skills to deal with their child's stress. The time to seek professional attention is when any change in behavior persists, when stress is causing serious anxiety, or when the behavior is causing significant problems in functioning at school or at home.
If you need help finding resources for your child, consult your doctor or the counselors and teachers at school.
Reviewed by: David V. Sheslow, PhD, and Meredith Lutz Stehl, PhD Date reviewed: June 2005 Originally reviewed by: Pamela Bushnell, LCSW
I was hoping you would be back. I had things to say and didn't get them in before the lock. Below is my post which when I hit submit I was rudely informed that the thread had been locked. I hope I am quicker this time.
Quote:
KS Chick,
This is invaluable information. We just never know who might read it and finally see that the life they are living isn't as it should be. It might be just the thing to give them the strength to see support and help for an impossible situation.
Thank you for taking the time to put this on the board. I believe that it could have helped me see, back in the day, that it wasn't me, it was him.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
it takes the victim of abuse an average of leaving 6 times before they leave for good
it is always important, when dealing with abusers, to have a plan
my parents have pics of all of my tatoos in case they need to identify my body my children have safe words to use i tell anyone and everyone where I am going and when I am expected to be there i carry $5 in change in my purse at all times in case i need to make a call or need a cab
i have always said that I would much rather be smacked around (which I was) than verbally and emotionally abused (which I also was)
the bruises fade, the bones heal, my kidneys only have a little damage (most abusers make sure they hit, kick and punch in areas that are concealed by clothing...if you know someone who has frequent bladder or kidney infections sometimes that is the reason) but everyday I hear those words in myhead how i was fat, stupid, worthless, a loser. How my requests to not be touched were violated because "he was my husband and i belonged to him"
you are partners in a relationship. partners build you up it is in their best interest as well for you to shine and be at your best abusers tear you down they feel powerful when you feel small
i would tatoo it on them but that might defeat the purpose
victims of abuse need to be ready to go at a moments notice i have photocopies (still) of all important documents. I used to keep them by the spare tire in the car
i hid knives in my house so the ex couldn't get to them
when i enter a new place, i note where all the exits are and make up games in my head so I don't forget
the hardys walk a little to the side of me that way if i ever got smacked, they could avoid the fall
i change the locks anywhere i move and never block doorways with anything
i kept a bag hidden behind the dumpster of my apartment that held pjs and clean clothes for the kids...shoes too
daycare and school got copies of the order for protection and the police were informed that they had them
i didn't let the boys have their picture taken at new schools
as a teacher it is pretty easy to check where I am teaching i wrote the state asking them to change that so that I couldn't be tracked as easily
be proactive if you react to everything they do you are dead in the water
and most importantly
when no one said anything i thought they all felt the same way as my ex...that I deserved it
one person saying no changed my mind one person telling me that i did not deserve that treatment...that I was better than that...helped me find the courage to leave
one person
that helped me get my courage together that helped me decide to make a plan that helped me leave after months of planning with nothing but my minivan and my boys and whatever i could cram into it while he was gone
one person helped me find safety
all of the voices that didn't speak convinced me to stay
it takes the victim of abuse an average of leaving 6 times before they leave for good
it is always important, when dealing with abusers, to have a plan
my parents have pics of all of my tatoos in case they need to identify my body my children have safe words to use i tell anyone and everyone where I am going and when I am expected to be there i carry $5 in change in my purse at all times in case i need to make a call or need a cab
i have always said that I would much rather be smacked around (which I was) than verbally and emotionally abused (which I also was)
the bruises fade, the bones heal, my kidneys only have a little damage (most abusers make sure they hit, kick and punch in areas that are concealed by clothing...if you know someone who has frequent bladder or kidney infections sometimes that is the reason) but everyday I hear those words in myhead how i was fat, stupid, worthless, a loser. How my requests to not be touched were violated because "he was my husband and i belonged to him"
you are partners in a relationship. partners build you up it is in their best interest as well for you to shine and be at your best abusers tear you down they feel powerful when you feel small
Sheesh, Fig...I did not know you went through all that...
This site has a specific purpose. We are here to save marriages using Michele's techniques and to support those whose marriages have failed,using solution oriented techniques to rebuild their lives.
We admit we have that bias. There are other boards that have different focus. _________________________
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
