hi "L" . . . thanks for writing. These waves of depression are beating me up. I felt most comfortable emailing 'A'. In it, I came right out and said that I need 'reassurance'. He responded with a lot of empathy and told me to 'cheer up'. After receiving the email, I felt worse. I suppose I 'needed' more. I hate myself for feeling that way because I know that a year ago, we weren't even talking.
My guy friend, 'K', told me I should have called him. I think I was afraid I was going to cry if I called. I'm always afraid of calling him.
I have been feeling very desperate and crying a lot. Between my job, my parents, my financial stresses, and my frienemy 'M', my other friend having operation. I feel like desperately grabbing onto him.
I am upset that we have not moved closer since my birthday dinner. I know he has been busy, but I know that he has made time for 'M'. It is difficult for me that they talk everyday and see each other at least once a week. I don't know how to develop our own relationship outside of 'M'. I'm very, very afraid. I am very jealous of their friendship.
'A' did come into the store yesterday. I was very busy, but he waited around to talk a bit. I hate the brief snippits of time, but I know last year he wouldn't even step into the store. I wanted him to ask me 'out'!! I wanted to run after him when he left and beg him to not go. . .I want to hang out with him and see movies and begin developing closeness. It mentions something in Men are from Mars that men tend to go in and out from emotional closeness to their caves to regain a sense of identity and a feeling of control.
'K' said that I should focus on thinking about the good times to come, and stop focusing on what didn't work. That helps a little. I hate feeling desperate. My quality of life stinks.
I am going to do the things you suggest. I know it will help me. I need to feel more confident about this. I want to see more friendly consistency ... how?
