She told me she feels awful for screwing me over and she is getting her 'just desserts'.
I call b.s. It's because you are now her shoulder to cry on. You are not her girlfriend, though, or her gay friend so I'd express that you aren't interested in her dating. If she doesn't think you are interested in her, then perhaps you should say so and see what she says. What have you got to lose? Not a whole lot. What has she got to lose? Well, if you've been working to be the best guy possible, then she's got a lot to lose.
I mostly agree with that. I've long said that there are several stages of "remorse" in these situations:
PHASE 1. I call this one "I'm sorry I got caught." self-explanatory
PHASE 2. "I'm sorry that I hurt ME." The wayward SAYS "I'm sorry" a lot during this phase, perhaps for the first time, but what they're REALLY sorry about is that they are hurting so much, so confused, and have, often, BOTH their spouse and the OM/OW upset with them -- plus often loved ones if the affair has been properly exposed.
PHASE 3. TRUE REMORSE -- "I'm sorry I hurt YOU, and others around me."
I think your wife is still PHASE TWO, BC.
To answer your question, there is nothing you can SAY to her. It is what you DO, how you interact with her (and NOT interact with her -- how you move on, and GAL), and in your attitude and demeanor. If you must say something, you can occasionally get in "truth darts" (explained elsewhere), or you can say simply "You know how I feel about you." But you can't CONVINCE a wayward. You can only lay out your own boundaries of personal integrity, learn to enforce them, and let natural consequences of the wayward's adultery kick in for them without rescuing them.
Words mean nothing, they're cheap. I had to learn that the hard way, as I fancy myself, by nature, as a wordsmith, and always felt that if I could JUST somehow combine the right words, and say (or write) them, just so . . . . she would end her affair, and come back to me.
