HELP x ripped out another rug -

[NikB]

((((Donna))))

No 2x4 on what happened with H because you already know all that... but I can't just let the email exchange with your friend go (sorry).

I was so very sad to read that email to your friend. Your H is spewing all kinds of hateful things at you that you KNOW are not true... and you're believing him both about you AND about your friend, who's been wonderful to you through all this. Writing her off and sending a "goodbye" letter based on lies your H told you??

I really don't--I was trying to use my support network.

Which is GOOD and exactly what you should do.

I don't know if it is safe for me to talk to anyone else about this, anymore. No one understands why I am still upset after "all this time."

It's not safe for you to talk TO YOUR H about this.

Your friend didn't say or do ANYTHING that should make it "not safe" to talk to her. In fact she said this:

I want you to get over this relationship and concentrate on you and the kids. I think you can do it and I am here for you. We all need to find the "new normal" because so much has changed.

She's there for you. She WANTS to be there for you. She wants to help find the "new normal." And she's telling you to do exactly what you KNOW you need to do which is move past the R/M and focus on you and the kids. It's what everyone tells you - including yourself. And we'll keep telling you, and doing what we can to help you do that.

Oldtimer's post to you was wonderful (as usual, OT!). Especially this:

Put your healing energy in your positive self/growth/unenmeshment basket. Don't make your worldview dependent on X having a crappy future or being unhappy with GF. Neither may come to pass. And you are better than that. You don't need to build a life grounded on a dream of someone else's dysfunction or misery.

You are certainly not psychotic. But you and I both know that your behavior last night was not about X, or being respectful or loving toward him. It was not even about him as a person. It was about you and very old unmet needs. So focus on you and take care of you.

I think this answers your confusion so well Donna - when you post this:

They shake their heads, say that there is nothing anyone can do. That they will get theirs and be miserable. That they deserve each other. That it is only a matter of time when one or the other will cheat. That second marriages, especially started off in such deceit, are bound to fail.

But I don't want him to hurt, either, so this is no solace for me. I don't want my kids to hurt, either.

EXACTLY. You don't want to focus or build your future on ANYONE being miserable, just as OT says.

There's nothing anyone can do to change your H or his choices... but they can do a lot to support you, if you let them.

Next time someone says something about them "getting theirs" - maybe you can reply "I hope not, I'd really like H to find happiness too." Stop those conversations as soon as possible and redirect towards a positive, happy future.

SO glad there is AlAnon tonight, and great idea making a nice dinner for you and the kids.

((((Donna)))))