I know the pattern here. I see it, I know why I am feeling this way. He just knows exactly what to say to rip me apart, and it just gets worse and worse. Then, he throws it in my face that I won't go to the co-parenting counseling, that he is ready when I am ready. I was the one who insisted on it originally. But I am afraid that any contact I have with him will just be more bashing.
He has torn me apart on being a friend, a wife, a mother, and now as a person in general. I feel like sh!t. I feel like a failure. Unworthy all over again.
I called the counselor on Sunday and again last night. I emailed her, as well. I am hoping that I can see her today, in addition to my standing appt tomorrow. I don't want to get stuck here again.
She wants me to be able to get my defenses up faster.
I still can't get it in my head that I have to defend myself from him. He was my protector, my safety, my person to be vulnerable with. I keep opening up my throat to him...and I just look at him, asking why? Why do this to me? to us? to our family and kids? I love you...how could you be this way? I don't understand.
But he is this way. And it doesn't matter why. Except that it does still matter, and I don't know how to go about changing that. Other than everything that I have done. There isn't anything else I can throw at this.
And yes, I do have longer and longer runs of strength, of good times. But the lows can be so low...they don't last as long, though. I am slowly giving up, I think.
This is an email and answer that I sent my bff down the street last night, too, after listening to x.
Quote:
Dear Denise:
I spoke with Chuck last night.
Among a lot of other things, he told me that you hated me last year while you were dealing with your mother's death. That you couldn't stand the sight of me. That I wasn't there for you, and was self-centered and selfish in my own pain.
He said I should read the emails back and forth between you and Monika, how she was the one true friend who was there for you during that whole time.
I am so sorry if you felt that way. I never meant to diminish the pain you were going through; I had lived it myself, and over a much longer span (so I didn't have the shock on top of it, like you had to also face). I was there as much as I could have been; I guess it wasn't enough. And I am really sorry for that.
I wish I could see stuff like this happening; I am trying my best, and I often fall much shorter than what other's need from me. Then I can't even tell that I am screwing up unless someone comes right out and tells me.
I am sorry that I put so much of this mess of my life and divorce on you, that I leaned so heavily and wasn't there for you in return. I can hear the "ugh" now in my head on those times I tried to call you, or when Chuck had to ask you to check on me. I've become a pain in the ass to someone else who I never wanted to hurt.
I won't bother you with this anymore. I'm so sorry that I wasn't a better friend to you. You and Leticia were my best friends; I'll have to write to her and ask her to be upfront with me about any ways I've let her down or screwed up that relationship, too.
Chuck said that I would never be as close to you as he is, and I don't know what to think, anymore.
He said that Monika is a much better person than I could ever hope to be. That I am not a good person, or a nice person. I am so sorry; I am trying so hard to be better, to learn from my mistakes. I'm beginning to think that, no matter how hard I try, no matter what therapy, book, medicine, I am just stuck being this person who hurts the people she loves. I'm not worth it.
I'll leave you alone.
Know that I tried to love you as best as I was capable of, which doesn't seem like enough.
Donna
Quote:
Good morning, I just wanted to first say that I am so sorry I didn't get back to you last night. I had quite a bit of unexpected company that stayed till after 9. First of all, I never hated you. I was going through a terrible time (still am) about losing my mother. But I also understood what a hard time you were going through. I never expected you to help me because I knew how much pain you were in. The only thing that bothered me was that I felt now matter what I did, I never was able to help you. You are and have always been a great friend to me. I want nothing more than for you to find happiness in your life with the people that you love. You are not a failure and have come such a long way this past year. What you went through was extreme pain that I couldn't imagine. I have enough people in my life to turn to when I need a shoulder or an ear. I don't know about any e-mails that Monika and I have exchanged. It was probably during the most difficult time for me. (which I don't really remember.) As far as my friendship with you and Chuck, I started off being friends with both of you and I want to remain being friends with both of you, even with all the changes. I don't want to be in the middle and I think you both try hard not to put me there. You don't need to stay away from me, but what I really want from our friendship is that if we spend a few hours talking, I wish you would take something away when you leave. I feel like I give you all my best advice to find out it all went out the window. I want you to get over this relationship and concentrate on you and the kids. I think you can do it and I am here for you. We all need to find the "new normal" because so much has changed. I want nothing more than for you and Chuck to find happiness. I've had so many interruptions this morning that I hope my spelling and punctuation wasn't to bad. Hope you're better today, I'll check in with you.
As I drove to work today, I just wanted to withdraw into a little ball. No one wants to deal with me like this anymore. They are tired of hearing it. x said, oh, woe is me--you just want everyone to feel sorry for poor Donna. I really don't--I was trying to use my support network. But I've been so open about all of this, trying to deal with everything; maybe too much. I have to act as if with all of them, too. I don't know if it is safe for me to talk to anyone else about this, anymore. No one understands why I am still upset after "all this time." Yes, he has been out of the house since July 07. But the divorce was final on this June. And he is moving in with her already, looks like before the end of the year, for sure.
They shake their heads, say that there is nothing anyone can do. That they will get theirs and be miserable. That they deserve each other. That it is only a matter of time when one or the other will cheat. That second marriages, especially started off in such deceit, are bound to fail.
But I don't want him to hurt, either, so this is no solace for me. I don't want my kids to hurt, either.
ugh. My head is just tired.
I did make it to work, both days. I managed to keep a lid on things, work with my students and student teacher, hang a bulletin board. I think I am coming off as just a bit tired, which I am. I have the kids tonight. I should make a nice dinner for them. I want to shrink my world to just the three of us for a while. Let everyone else, including in-laws, be.
