is it really true?

[addie]

Stella, if you decide to move to the Midlife forum I may join you on there along with Nlt. I'm also trying to decide what forum to move to once my thread in Newcomers locks.

Hope your farewell parties and packing are going well.

[DiDi]

Hey you... just got back on line and I've been wondering how your trip with your D went. I *read* that it was a strenthening journey.

FWIW, and I don't want you to change your mindset or path, your H is so not done. I heard the tearful, sweet, it's just over speech too.

It may be... and it may not be. But right now his words are still script. You know what it is. He is trying to salvage the part of the delusion he's been living in to justify his actions in his own mind. In the end this delusion will still only be that, regardless of how far he takes it. I truly feel sorry for him.

Actions. He hasn't told D. That is LIFE CHANGING when you tell your little girl that "sorry, your mom is WONDERFUL, I'll always care, but gee, it just isn't worth keeping my family together to get rid of my piece on the side." Because he doesn't just get to tell her and be "done".

This will affect her perception of reality and belief in love and forever. YOU have shown her what love is, and she has been watching you. Don't cry, she'll be okay. But he is going to lose much more than he realizes right now.

And he's going to want it back. He is living in a bubble and by not telling your collegues and family, the bubble is sustaining it's fragile, dream-like protection from reality.

The arachnid will show her colors when after the "relief" wears off, after doing her bidding, the doubt, depression and bits of reality creep in. ... and I almost don't want to send this because I've never heard you doing so well and sounding so strong.

Eh, what do I know anyway.
(((Stella)))

[stella_k]

((((BH, Addie, Deauxlie)))), hi and thank you for posting :).

Here is my update.

I was so much in a "fog" myself while moving - farewell parties, saying good bye to people, clearing apt etc. It makes more sense to start from the moment when we parted our ways with H. At the Airport! Yes, he told me that he's going to wait for Spider to pick him up and I should go ahead, he will take some of my stuff and drop it off at "my" place later. So our true separation started. Our pets had to separate too. Initially we've planned for me to take both the cat and the dog. But when our dog saw H leaving, she started "sobbing" so badly that he had to come back for her. Later he told me that she can stay with him. Lucky beast. Wouldn't work for me :).
So, in the end, my cat and I were alone in our studio apt.
H came by as he promised, to drop off a suitcase and stayed 10 min or so. Was extremely friendly. Seemed not sure whether to hug me or not when leaving, decided not to (I didn't show that I'm eager to hug or kiss him).
Next day he came over in the morning to help me with few things. When walking down the street (we lefr=t the apt together) he took my hand. We kept holding hands for few minutes. It felt weird. He held my hand LOVINGLY and was very cheerful and chatty.
I went to see my mom, only to realize that I will never get any support from her. The only thing that really concerns her is whether my D will affect HER in any way. For instance, my H not helping her with the house.
Makes me feel very much alone.
While at my mother's I received a phone call from H (didn't expect any). He asked if I'm ok (my mom ... well, she's difficult) and if he can come over tomorrow to pick up a few things. I said, sure.
Well, that was yesterday. He came over, I made us some coffee. Once again, he was so nice to me, so thoughtful, like old times. I wonder - could it be that now that he doesn't feel obliged to love me he feels relieved and it makes him more friendly? Not a sign of anger or irritation.
He is mentioning Spider now and then, as if we're D already and I don't care anymore.
He took some things and went away after patting my hand rather awkwardly. Later yesterday, when I was already in bed, he called. I figured, he was calling while walking the dog. I asked why he's calling and he said: just so. To see if you're all right. To which I replied, OF COURSE I am. I asked him if he's going to come over tomorrow to take his comp. He said: I'm not sure whether I'm going to have time. I said, whatever, just give me a call if you decide to come.
Today he called and said he's coming. Again we had some coffee together, he told me about his work and his dream (it's his habit to tell his dreams). Then he started collecting his things and I excused myself and went to take a bath (the studio is so small, I really had nowhere to go and I didn't want to watch him looking through photos and separating his stuff from mine). When I came out, he sat down with me and we spoke a little bit about household. He kept saying: we'll do this and buy that. I said, there is no "we" from now on and I will buy everything I need and take care of myself. To which he replied that I shoulg get a job first. Once I'm settled, I'm on my own. Until then he's going to help me(?).
He took his bags and boxes and left (didn't take his comp).
I'm so confused once again.
I'm glad he's helping me, but it slows down my healing process and doesn't really help me to detach and let go!
Deauxlie, I'd be happy to DB a bit longer, but I'm afraid there is no hope. He acts as if he is done and happy with his decision and there is no room for doubts. At the same time he seems to be really comfortable around me now. He mentioned our D matter-of-factly today, saying: well, that's what people do when they get a D. He is chatty, nice and calm. No signs of regret, depression, etc.
Every friend I've spoken to, has told me that he must out of his mind and there is NO WAY he can be with Spider after he's been married to me. But he IS with her - and seems to be perfectly fine with it.

BTW, I forgot to mention that I'm planning to have a party this Friday. We would have one for our friends every time we'd come to visit and I thought I should GAL and keep it up. I've told H about the party two days ago and told him that he can come if he wants, but I don't think it's a good idea.
Well, today, while he was here, a friend called him on his cell. H said : I don't think so. It turned out, the friend wanted to know if H is going to be at the party.
Then H asked me: do you want me to come?
That was the first time I saw some anxiety in him.
I said, no, not really. Do YOU want to come?
He seemed to be immediately relieved and said: no.
I said, it's fine then.

I am trying so hard to be detached, to GAL, to live my life. But I must say, he makes it much harder, keeping so much contact. I don't want to be friends with him. Should I tell him to stay away from me?
Or would it betray my weakness?

Oh, and I asked him if he'd agree with me that we shouldn't tell D17 about our future D just yet. He said, he doesn't only agree, he wanted to ask me the same thing.

Do I sound like I'm DBing again?!

(((((hugs))))) to all.

[stella_k]

OMG, it's huge :)!
Who can possibly read it!
sorry, guys.

[Forrest Gump]

"I am trying so hard to be detached, to GAL, to live my life. But I must say, he makes it much harder, keeping so much contact. I don't want to be friends with him. Should I tell him to stay away from me? Or would it betray my weakness?"

The contact from him is the guilt.. so he is still carrying a weakness also. The holding hands.. the awkward moments. They all play into it. Again.. people never intended to hurt people love.. but sometimes they do.

It just goes to show.. there is always a struggle within.. even when things are "wonderful".

If you don't want him around.. tell him.. don't have to be mean about it.. don't have to explain it.

Something like....

At this point in my life I would like to limit contact with you. Can you please call or text before you come over?

Use your words.. just throwing some ideas out.

When someone makes a choice.. that hurts you.. all you can do is let them live their choice.. and not hurt you anymore.

That.. will always leave the door open.. for something to change.

From Me.. and my small Mind!

Keep your head up..

And Always..

[stella_k]

Thank you, (((Forrest))).

At this point in my life I would like to limit contact with you.

I will try to tell him that, even though I'm enjoying his visits and attention. He all of a sudden has become his old loving, caring, wonderful self. Go figure. It was easier with the spiteful alien... I cannot even look at him without remembering the good times. Now that I'm finally home, everything is a reminder of the wonderful marriage I used to have and the loving man I didn't know how to treasure.

For both of us the burden of guilt is really heavy, but I don't feel like helping him to lighten his. Not now, anyway.
I'm not angry with him. I'm paying now for what I've done, for taking him for granted, for not paying attention to his needs. But I don't want to pretend that I'm fine with what he did.

[stella_k]

a short update.

I was out all day. In the evening H has called. Just chatted, asked where I was and told me about his day.

I know, I didn't want him to call/visit, but it feels so good when he does . Am I turning into OW?

We spoke for 10 min or so and I was the one to end the convo and was very upbeat, which was easy. I didn't have to pretend that I'm fine. I really am.

Here is something amazing and new for me: I LIKE been on my own! Still felt blue for a moment or two when started thinking about H and our time together, but in general been alone (with my loving cat ) doesn't feel bad at all.

(((((everybody)))))

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{Stella}}}}}}

You are doing wonderfully. Your H is still so fogged. Keep being you and live your life. Pray. All things are possible with God. You are only as done as you want to be.

I am proud of you for all you have accomplished. If you need to set boundaries, then do so. You have the right to your own happiness, too, especially since you are finding it the right way--in you, not a crutch.

SMW

[W2G]

You are doing amazing Stella!!! Wow.. such a strong woman!

I totally know what you mean about loving the attention but not wanting it at the same time. It's a catch 22!

Glad you're getting settled into your own place with your little furball!

Hugs,
W2G

[stella_k]

((((SMW)))), ((((W2G)))),

thank you for your kind words!

W2G - it IS a catch22. When I let go, H starts showing care-interest- even Love. When he does that, I start feeling like there is hope again. When I show that I've got hope again, H proceeds stomping on it. And I let go !

I checked out the gifts/photos H has taken with him. Among them a few old photos, pre-wedding, of H and me, a pic of me and D17 and a semi-precious stone I gave him for his B-day when he came to visit in June (that was when he "chose" me over Spider).

I"ve been talking to my old friends and tonight, hopefully, I'm going to meet up with 2 of rhem. They're very supportive of me, but in a very non-DB way. They're trying to "shame" H into coming back, refuse to talk to him or try to explain to him that he's acting crazy. I'm afraid they've done more harm than good, with H being very stubborn and wanting to have it his way no matter what.

My little "furball" is my BF at the moment !
I'm not sure whether H's missing me, but he's missing our cat madly!