God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

sad but we cant help you til you want to help yourself you really seem to relish the victim role.

Your wrong...I hate it...it's not who I am, it's where I am. And I am working on myself everyday

then try something different....what have you got to loose? nothing, its already as bad as it gets. has your approach really worked???? im no rocket scientist but your H seems as stuck as he was over a year ago

big difference...your not here to see. As bad as it is, we still are connected. and sorry but I cannot ignore the fact that the many on here that tell us to leave them alone, to go dark, to let them go completely. Are now divorced. Sorry, I do not want that. Maybe my H has not come home, don't want him to right now, but we are still not D and are slowly becoming friends again...

and you TOH well are you happy with this approach?

of course not! but I cannot change reality.

has it really gained your H back

in small ways, yes

are you really truely happy with yourself????

No I'm not happy. This sucks! But I'm proud of myself because regardless of what everyone thinks, I have faith in my H and in our M. I'm not giving up.

Is this the limbo you want? a H who wont commit but will give a day here a weekend and some sex there....

No, but it's what it is "FOR NOW" and all he is capable of giving right now. It's better than nothing at all and believe me when I say...I won't settle for just this forever. There will come a time, that I will be done. Just not today.

its sad you have made your life so dependent on another person.

Not dependent. I wish you could come spend some time with me. I call it "devoted".

and this is what keeps him away because you are so desperate and needy for him to complete your life

.
I am not desperate nor needy. Pathetic, yes and hate it when I lose my composure. I don't need him to complete my life. I "want" him to "share" it with me.

His life is in so much turmoil right now, he cant take care of his own emotional upheaval(thats why the OW) he cant possibly imagine meeting your needs...so he runs.

True! THAT is what keeps him away, not anything I am doing or not doing.
Quote:

Why H doesn't want to be with me anymore
you have your answer, you just refuse to see it.

No...really I don't.

Quote:
an2m Yes I am and proud of myself too!!)

Life is sucking pretty bad for me right now


less than 24 hrs between those 2 posts. have you thought about meds? your ups are too up and your downs too down....

Just because my life sucks, doesnt mean I can't be proud of how I am handling things. I have to find some positives in things or it really would bring me down.

YOU have made your life revolve around HIM and you are spinning worse than he is.

True MWG, hard for me not to.

you really do need to let go of him, leave him the heck alone and let him do what he wants to do because no matter what you say, he will do what he wants anyways.

True again, and for the most part I am. As I've said before. I just have a terrible time accepting and letting him be with another woman. We are not D. The rest of what he is doing is his business and I leave him alone completly.

You must detach because it is not making you a very healthy person.
Get yourself in order first and then take care of those kids.

Working on that every moment of every day.

You must do things for yourself

I do, and I do not ask H for anything unless I absolutely have to.

do not drive by or check up on him.

I don't anymore. But when i thing he is with OW, I can't stop myself. It's like I HAVE to know.

If he comes over, you don't have to go out there at all times.

I don't unless he asks. This is a tough one too. Before MLC I left him alone to do alot of the work. I should have been there more to help him. I guess this is one of the changes I have made. Now, I want more than anything to be apart of it all. To learn how to do the things I never did. To be share the load.
So everytime he is here, it's like I'm torn 50/50 in what to do.

Just leave him alone. Maybe he is acting this way because of the way you have been acting.

I don't think so...some it yes...but mostly because MLC has hit my H hard

If he sees you can have a life of your own and can be somewhat independent maybe he will notice.

Notice yes, but does it matter, dont think so.

Do not expect any changes in him for awhile.

I am not expecting...I am seeing them everyday. But there is still a LONG LONG way to go.

Someone can't be helped, unless they want to help themselves.

I believe this 100%. I wouldn't be on this board if I didn't want your help. I wouldn't be going to counceling. I wouldn't be reading the books. I wouldn't be changing my ways. But I am my own person and I am not going to do everything that everyone tells me to do. Sorry, not me.

Do you want sympathy or support?

Absolutely your support, understanding, and advice. That's why I am here.

You've made this all so much about YOU, and what YOU need and want

Isn't that what you all say to do with our lives? But on the same hand if my life was all about Me and what I want, why in the hell would I be still M to a man that is sleeping with another woman and living another life? I sure wouldn't be giving a damb what he is going through or why. Wouldn't I have let him go a long time ago, filed for D and took him for all I could?

that you've pushed the possibility of working on a reconcilation almost to zero.

I so pray that your wrong, but also realize that you may be right.

Your H is NOT the same person as he was before,

Yes, your so right.

yet you continue to expect him to re-act/feel the same.

Sometimes yes...but alot of times I pray that he'll see differently. That he'll one day see what the real problems are and want to deal with them the right way.

The marriage you had before the bomb is dead and gone. Sure, the memories and family you share are still there, but you need to realize that what worked before, no longer works now.

True. Now I have to find what those things are just like he does. That will take time, trial, and error

You HAVE to start looking within yourself for your strength and happiness. You cannot expect your H to do this for you. Do not look at him for support/praise. Learn to find those things within yourself and others. If he praises you along the way, great. But don't make him the sole source of your everyday life. Do not do things only because you think that is what he might want to see/hear from you.

This is a biggy for me. One that I am so guilty of. Trying to find my way to being that person.

Your next words are a God send, so valuable and I thank you...I needed those.

TOH everyone here has given you good advice, but you seem to not want it.

I do want it. I just have to go this my own way. Right wrong or indifferent.

Only you can make changes for your situation.

Exactly

You do remind me of myself though. I do remember being stuck like you were over a year ago. The difference is I started to make changes for myself. I realized my h was gone and nothing was going to bring him back.

I do realize he's gone. I know that I can do nothing to bring him back. But I don't believe that he won't.

My h wasn't around to be included in on my life nor did he want to be around me.

Mine is, his choice, why, I don't know. That's for him to decide.
And him being around so much really makes things tuff for me.

My h would always say to me there is nothing to come home to. I don't want to be around you. Those words hurt, but I had to look deep at who I was and how I was projecting myself around my h. I realized he was right I was pushing him away rather than drawing him in. He was being suffocated by my questioning and my negative attitude around him.

Mine too, and me too. So really concentrating on making changes in me. He doesn't not see me cry. Rarely do I tell him how I am feeling. He mostly sees me happy and carrying on just fine.

After months of changes my h is progressing in a small way. He is not home, but I am encouraged that one day he may find his way home.

Ask yourself TOH, who you are today is that someone your h would like to spend the rest of his life with?

I do, and yes I think so, and I don't get why he doesn't or why on earth he would want to be with OW. And why on earth he would ever want to walk away from all that he has ever dreamed of or held dear.

You can be kind, loving, supportive, encouraging from a distance

I am...just with some down falls.

and then wait on God and see what changes he may bring about in you and your h.

this is the hard part.