It was rather late when I got on the bb last night and I did not get around to everyone, but I wanted to check on you this morning to see how you are doing. I really believe that under the circumstances of your work keeping you from home so much and since your MIL lives with your wife and kids in your house, so then maybe it is best to keep that like it is. I wish you could be closer and at home more often but you know what you can and can’t do so we have to go with that for now. On the positive side of your stitch, you must think of yourself outshining the OM. This will be like a competition in a way. While you are away from the wife, continue to work on your personality in trying to be more like your were when she was first attracted to you and fell in love with you. Now if you were like me and very young…..then of course, you must not act like a kid, you have to put the maturity in there, but I think you know what I mean by what I’m trying to say here. One of the down sides of a MR is that we start talking like a W or a H. When you go home and are around her, try your best not to talk to her like a H. Do you know what I mean by that? At first, you have to regain her friendship before you can expect her to feel the attraction and the “in love” feelings for you again. So, that is the angle to work from. Talk to her like you were her friend. That will be hard b/c you well be feeling all the emotions of being in love with this woman who is still your wife, but you must discipline yourself to treat her like you would treat a guest that is staying in your home. BTW, do you have a good relationship with her mother?
Continue to work on your charm. Practice with others. Charm is not necessarily “flirting” as some may think. Anyone can have charming ways about them, and most everyone responds to a charming person b/c others like people who have charm. Perhaps you have always been very polite and used very good manners, but in case they need polished, you can be practicing on that while you are away. If there are in pitfalls in your temperament that needs to be corrected….this is the time to do that. By being away from her, it gives you the time to keep practicing these things until they are set in place. B/c you want to become the best man that you can be. Of course, you are hoping she is going to see this and respond (in time) in a positive way—but the main thing is to remember you are doing this for yourself. If this should not turn out like you hope, then you will know that you are a better man than you were in the beginning of all this mess. So, work on improving all the “inside” things that make up Grant. Then also, work on the outside…..the physical part that she will see. People see our bodies before they have a chance to learn who we are on the inside. In a way, the same applies to her b/c she is not going to allow herself to get close to the inside of you, so you want her to notice the outside changes. Maybe there is not that much you need to change and if you don’t –that is great and you are very blessed. However, you do need to work out with some type of exercise routine b/c not only will it help you physically to feel good and look better, but it has been proven that exercise will help you mentally and it will improve your self esteem and depression. So, really go to work on that and see if it proves itself out….okay? I have had men to say that after they started getting serious about working out that they could not believe how good it made them feel about themselves, and Grant, you need to feel good about yourself. Your self esteem is taking a beating from your wife….but also from yourself. Please stop beating yourself up b/c it will not help. Learn from your mistakes and just resolve to do better in the future.
When you go home, show that personality of yours in the best light that you can. Be up beat and act as if you are happy to be home and that you are going to be okay regardless of how things work out. Now, don’t “over-kill” with acting here. Be natural, but just try to keep from breaking down in front of her and be in a positive mood around her.
Avoid arguments and avoid R talks. If she brings it up, then you have to handle it carefully. When she talks to you, look her in the eyes and listen to what she says without interrupting her. Do not do anything else while she is talking to you. That way, she will know that she has your undivided attention. If she says things that you can agree with and you know it is the truth, you can nod your head or say, “I understand why you feel that way”. If you don’t agree with her, don’t get into an argument with her. Just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. If she wants to know what you plan to do about it, just say you are doing the best that you can right now, but don’t fight with her. If she is determined to fight….walk away until she cools off.
While you are away, you can think of things to plan for having special and fun times with your kids. Your W will probably act as though she does not want to be around you, so act as if that does not bother you! Pour all your attention into your kids. When she is around, really pretend to be having a great time with the kids so it will get her attention. If she acts interested in what is going on, or if you and the kids decide to go get ice cream or whatever, invite her along. Just keep it short and sweet and say, “The kids and I are going for ice cream, would you like to come along?” If she says no, then don’t show any disappointment at all, instead, just say, “Okay, see you later. We may decide to drive by and see _______ (whatever)”. The point is that when she sees you getting involved with “life”, and then it makes you a more interesting person and a more attractive person.
Speaking of that--be sure you look really nice at all times. Even if you are wearing a T-shirt and jeans, look so clean and smell so good with great cologne that she will want to eat you up (lol). You would be surprised how well this works! Of course, she won’t tell you, but it will.
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I made a very big mistake in consulting with that Psychic a few months ago. What was scary, was that she described everything in graphic detail about my situation, and wife's feelings and circumstances. She of course intimated that we would get divorced and W would be with OM. I wish that I didn't have that in my head to contend with. It makes this all the more hard.
Grant, sweetie, please, please don’t do that again. Psychics are not from the “right” kind of spirit world. In the first place, anyone could “guess” at the negative outcome of your stitch, but I personally believe that if they are in any type of “contact” with “spirits”…..it is the wrong kind. Besides, like you said, it places all those negative things in your head that now you are having to fight those thoughts all the time and that pulls you down that much more.
You asked about consulting with a DB coach. I have never been able to do that myself, but everyone that has, had nothing but great things to say about it. If I had to decide where to spend my money between choosing an IC or a DB coach, I would definitely choose the DB coach. Now, if you are seeing an IC for your personal problems, that is different, but if you are seeing a C for your M problems…..I don’t have any confidence in them, unless they go along with Michelle’s principles on M. If they are not pro-marriage, then they will tell you about the same thing at that Psychic did. And that is the truth!! I have seen it and heard it told to other couples, and experienced it myself. I have had nothing but bad experiences from unqualified “counselors”. There are some good ones out there, but they are hard to find, and especially those that are pro-marriage.
Well, I have talked your ears off this morning. I need to get ready for work. I will check on you later to see how it is going. Have a good day and try to make yourself some short-term goals this week. When will you be going back home?
I am here whenever you need to talk.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
