I'm freaked out that he seems to think being in a relationship in general is the root of his problems, and this is probably why I don't sound as positive as I really should. I saw so many self-help books with the sections on things like codependency and love addiction earmarked. I know it's not me. I know he likes me, probably even would admit to loving me, but feels like being with me is somehow unhealthy. THIS is what scares me because he is so resolute in the decisions he makes. I can only hope that his psychotherapist will suggest that he at least try to work on things with me and that a marriage doesn't have to mean a lack of independence. I know he's terrified of being so unhappy again, and I can't blame him. I hope that I can seem like a light at the end of the tunnel in some way. I really am trying so hard.
I am happy that he was there waiting for me. It was a wonderful surprise. I know I can't just jump into the house again, but I would like to dip my toes in :). It's just that I am very unhappy in Poland, and this situation is getting very hard for me personally as I now feel like I am sacrificing all of my happiness for his in a way. I guess this is what DBing is about in a way, and I know I need to find happiness in other things too, just feeling geographically displaced which is an added complexity. I realized just now much calmer and happier I have been feeling in Dublin. Poland is not my home. What it is is a way to allow H not to add my feelings to his list of worries, and I know this is a good thing. In a way I'd like to be the last thing he focuses on now. I just want to make sure that he feels comfortable about me coming back.
OK so I have that session with Jody tomorrow. It may be with just me, in which case I will ask for some next steps. My goal is to have H NOT be afraid of me coming home after this time period and to at least show some kind of cautious optimism about me being in the house. The rest, the dating, the reconciliation, ILY etc. can wait. I just want the chance to be around him again as I think this will be the best way to see if things can work. If H DOES decide to join, then it will be interesting to get his take on the day.
OK I'll post later if there are any updates. There is a possibility I'll be seeing H again today, although I really am not expecting it.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
