I just wanted to say keep going!! You're doing well, listen to the people on the board. I know it goes against all your instincts but remember you have seen results.
I'm away next weekend this month but around until the end of October if you fancy popping over to London :-)
I will probably take you up on that and pop over. I can always work from London for a day anyway, and if I can get lucky and find a business reason to go, I could stay in a nice hotel on a Friday night...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Listen, I didn't read everything here bc I didn't have time. I did read, however, that you guys had s*x. I must tell you that is HUGE. Maybe not for you, but for someone like me who hasn't had it except once with m H for YEARS -- you're on the fast track, girl.
Goodforyou! Have NO fears. You'll be fine. Just my humble opinion. poet
Man I'm off the board for one day and look at you go!
I think the day went really well and that you should be very proud of yourself. I think it is HUGE that he was even at the house when you got there. If he had wanted to he could have been anywhere else but there.
I know the feeling you have now, where things are looking up for a second and then you want everything to get put back together in an instant. Unfourtunatly it does not work that way. However at least things are moving.
I know you don't want to go back to Poland but you have to. . .just think that you have already made it over halfway and things are happening. Just give it more time, just a little more time. You can do it!
I'm freaked out that he seems to think being in a relationship in general is the root of his problems, and this is probably why I don't sound as positive as I really should. I saw so many self-help books with the sections on things like codependency and love addiction earmarked. I know it's not me. I know he likes me, probably even would admit to loving me, but feels like being with me is somehow unhealthy. THIS is what scares me because he is so resolute in the decisions he makes. I can only hope that his psychotherapist will suggest that he at least try to work on things with me and that a marriage doesn't have to mean a lack of independence. I know he's terrified of being so unhappy again, and I can't blame him. I hope that I can seem like a light at the end of the tunnel in some way. I really am trying so hard.
I am happy that he was there waiting for me. It was a wonderful surprise. I know I can't just jump into the house again, but I would like to dip my toes in :). It's just that I am very unhappy in Poland, and this situation is getting very hard for me personally as I now feel like I am sacrificing all of my happiness for his in a way. I guess this is what DBing is about in a way, and I know I need to find happiness in other things too, just feeling geographically displaced which is an added complexity. I realized just now much calmer and happier I have been feeling in Dublin. Poland is not my home. What it is is a way to allow H not to add my feelings to his list of worries, and I know this is a good thing. In a way I'd like to be the last thing he focuses on now. I just want to make sure that he feels comfortable about me coming back.
OK so I have that session with Jody tomorrow. It may be with just me, in which case I will ask for some next steps. My goal is to have H NOT be afraid of me coming home after this time period and to at least show some kind of cautious optimism about me being in the house. The rest, the dating, the reconciliation, ILY etc. can wait. I just want the chance to be around him again as I think this will be the best way to see if things can work. If H DOES decide to join, then it will be interesting to get his take on the day.
OK I'll post later if there are any updates. There is a possibility I'll be seeing H again today, although I really am not expecting it.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
No contact from H today, and he's not even online, something I find weird. I'm wondering whether he's actually blocking me these days as I haven't seen him there in a few days...:(
Anyway I did send a very small email, but I don't think it counts as a backslide. Our new debit cards for our US account (the one there had been fraud on) came into the Dublin office so I let him know that I got his card, and just said hoped he was having a really good day despite the rain. He can either choose to get the card from me or not. My guess is he will choose not, but now this is his choice.
Soooo hard not to just believe everything is back to normal after yesterday, but I know the rule about believing 50% of what you see and none of what you hear. Just because he sounds completely back to normal, does not mean his feelings are where I wish they would be. The WAS is a weird beast, and his perception of yesterday may not match mine. I need to realize that.
So I'm thinking that if I don't hear from him today, I may just drop the card in the mailbox in the morning before I leave. It will be 4 AM so he won't be up, can just have the taxi drive me by there, and I'll put it through the door...
Such a weird situation. I mean I know they are all weird, but this one spans countries and continents.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just a quick stop by. Sorry it's been a while. Been moving cross-country and training a new job.
Looks like you're moving forward from where I left you. Baby steps. It seems to me that so long as you can recognize those, you can fuel a positive attitude.
I missed you! Hope all is going well in your new home and new job.
Glad you see the baby steps. Let's hope they continue!!!
Working on the PMA, just feeling very worried for my depressed H, but I do think he's getting better.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Alright probably last post from Dublin. I'm feeling melancholy. I'm in a taxi in the rain driving the route that H and I would drive home feeling really, really distant from H. He is creating a new life and I just wonder how I will fit in, and whether he will resent me coming back to Dublin when I do. As usual too, when I talked to a couple of friends about it at work, I got the speech that I should really consider my needs and how long I'd put up with this. I stuck to my guns though and said that I had nothing bad to say about H, and that I believed in marriage and in my feelings. In fact I convinced one friend so much that her eyes teared up so this made me feel good.
All-I am still wondering whether DBing is right with a depressed person. 5 more weeks though can't really drive us too much further apart can it? He is better since I've left but the distance between us has definitely grown.
Anyway I know I need to be positive. Tomorrow is another day! Tomorrow can be a good day and I have my call with Jody...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ITH yes this can/does work with a depressed person. my H was very depressed. it is just a reaction to something within them. thats why you need this time and space.
read DR over. the chapter about depression and MLC.
keep reading it whenever you get down...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I can always work from London for a day anyway, and if I can get lucky and find a business reason to go, I could stay in a nice hotel on a Friday night...