Hi folks, I need some advice for my insanity :)

[sandi2]

Dan, let me say that I know this is so very painful for you to face and to accept. Of course you will always love the "good side" of her....that is who you fell in love with. But, I'm afraid you will see less and less of that person as time goes by.

I don't hold out much hope in her returning to the M under the conditions you have purposed, but it is the only way that I would accept her back if I were in your place. Since you have told about her father and the role model that was set before her growing up, it explain some of her behavior since we do tend to turn out a lot like our parents. However, in the end, we must take responsibility for our own actions. I doubt she is ready to feel guilt for her own wrong doing b/c she has been able to blame you for all her problems over the years and has gotten by with it.

I know this is a harsh statement and I'm not trying to upset you, but I really do not see her being capable of taking care of the children in an environment that they should be exposed to. That is a nice way of saying that she really is not fit to raise them right now and that you should fight for full custody of them. I would not even attempt co-parenting b/c first of all....even though she may have twitches of guilt about the kids, the more she is away from them and getting more involved in her party lifestyle.....the more she will be around them less and less. I have seen this in other stitches and it keeps the H/father so upset all the time b/c co-parenting with an adult acting like this is next to impossible. Giving her visitation rights would only be fair to the children b/c they do need to see their mother.....but they do not need her on a consistant basis while she is living like this. Her influence on them could be very damaging. So, I hope you will consider getting full custody of them. That is the only way you will ensure them of growing up into responsible adults and having much of a future. They need a strong father figure and especially since their mother is bombing out, so I pray you will step up to the plate. You sound like you are ready.

Again, this will take more strength than you have ever needed before, but you sound like a good man and one who is willing to work on himself and to make a good home for his children. It will hurt to have to turn her lose to her own distruction, but you must think of your own future happiness and your family. As I told you before, we don't usually tell somebody right up front that they need to move on unless it really sounds hopeless, but I believe there is better out there for you.

I would call her bluff and if she is really so innocent.....she will do whatever she can to hold her family together. But, I don't think she is.....and neither do you. The truth hurts really bad, and I'm sorry. You will go through a bad time, but you will get better......okay? We have seen this happen many times right here on this bb when a man would think he would die if his W didn't come back home to him, but he discovered that he could move on with his life and he could find peace......and eventually even happiness. So, take care of yourself and don't allow her to run your life any longer. Start calling the shots for you and your children's lives.

Let us know how things go.

Sandi