Hi Breton39,
Thank you for your perspective – it is always good to hear about how other women feel and think. You are definitely right about not getting sympathy from people. I had originally posted in another forum and I got a lot of “you deserve to be in pain” type of responses that offered little or no hope. That said, I don’t blame anyone for not having sympathy on me.

My ex has been having a lot of health problems lately – mainly neurological where she would get really bad numbness or bad stomach pains. Last month she called me up from work and asked me to pick her up from work to take her to the ER. I was with her the whole afternoon and I could tell she really appreciated it – so you are absolutely right about being there through the hard times. I have also been doing stuff like going grocery shopping with her, picking up our daughter from day care or taking her to the doctor. I wish I had more opportunities to make those sacrifices which ultimately are great opportunities to demonstrate love and not really sacrifices when I think about it. I am always happy when she asks me to run an errand for her or do this or that to help her out.

I am definitely putting her and my daughter first – but at the same time I am not trying to appear like I am being pushy or putting pressure on her to get back with me. I really do want to spend quality time with them and it makes me so happy when we go out to eat or just do errands like getting an oil change on the SUV.

My ex sometimes reminds me of how hard parenting was and it makes me so angry at myself when I think about. I tell her that I was wrong and that I am sorry for what I did.

I am trying really hard to validate her feelings – to show her that she has every right to be mad at me. I want her to know that I really do want her to be happy – that I want her to be the best version of herself that she can be.

I think patience is the hardest thing for me right now. Sometimes it seems like things are never going to change, like there is no hope. But I know that I must keep pressing on and not give up. I am really trying to make this about her needs and her happiness – to not be selfish like I was when I left.

I am also trying to make myself a better person. I have been reading a lot lately, exercising and just trying to be a better man so that if we do get back together – I am ready to be the husband she needs me to be.

I am seeing a DB counselor – although I don’t know if it has helped much to be honest. I think the biggest thing for me is having a listening ear – so I am thankful for my DB counselor for that and for the advice I receive. It is easy to know what to do, but it is really hard actually doing it and having the patience to see it through. I have been keeping a journal and making notes to be self on what type of person I need to be and working to become that person.

To answer your questions:

What scared you into leaving?
I had my priorities wrong. I basically wanted to do my own thing. I have always been big on education. I went to Harvard as an undergrad and thought that putting my career was most important. A lot of my college friends were making twice what I was and I allowed that to deceive me into thinking that I had to compete with them. In retrospect, I wish I could take that Harvard degree and flush it down the toilet as it made me believe that I had to have wealth, a good position, etc to be important. I also did not grow up with a father or father-figure – so I never did get the direction I needed in life about how important family was. I grew up very poor, so I had to always work hard in getting somewhere in life, but didn’t realize how important and joyful having a family could really be. I do know.

What made you turn the corner and decide the relationship and family was worth it?
When I was dating my ex before we got married and even the first few years of our marriage – it brought me so much joy. I enjoyed being with her and doing things with her – especially just laying on the bed and talking about whatever. As I began to do well in my job, I begin to do a lot of thinking. I didn’t have anyone tell me that I should get back or tell me that I was wrong and needed to be with my family – I wish I had. I began to think about where I wanted my life to go and what is really important. I began to remember the wonderful times my ex and I had. More than anything, I got to a point where my education, career, etc just didn’t matter to me. I wanted someone to love and to be loved back – and I wanted that person to be my ex. I began to really regret all the times I missed out on being with my family. I was the one who told her that we should get a divorce, but I never went through with it for whatever reason. However, when I was served the divorce papers, that really opened my eyes and began to want to be different – to want to be a family man – to want to sacrifice and give everything I have for my ex and my daughter. I really can’t say there was one factor that influenced my decision, but I think it was just me having so much time to myself that I really started to think about stuff.

Was there anything that would have helped you “see” the situation more clearly?
I don’t really know to be honest. I guess I had to come to this conclusion on my own. I really wished I had a father figure who would have spoken to me and given me a good speech. Unfortunately, in Boston there are a lot of arrogant ppl who (although there are plenty of good ones too), but it is easy to lose focus when colleagues and old school mates act as if only career and $$$ are important.

Did your family/friends influence you at all in your decision?
Unfortunately not. If anything, they probably influenced me the wrong way. I am no longer “friends” with a lot of these folks as that is not the type of person I want to be.