Divorced but hoping to Reconcile

[forward]

Well, I might have some insight because my H left when our D was 14 months old and was emotionally checked out when I was about 3 months pregnant.

He is also involved with another woman and shows little interest in me. He has shown increasing interest in D, so I am glad about that. But I don't hold out much hope for us. I have thought of begging and pleading about being a family but I feel there is no point as he hasn't shown interest. Interestingly, as I have begun to be indifferent, I notice that he is slightly more interested.

I can tell you that I have found that most people say "Get rid of him" even if they do not know about the other woman. Fairly or not, you are not going to get any sympathy from most people. There isn't much sympathy for men who desert their families. With that said, the DB C told m that until 19 months, many men are not very interested in their kids. Here are the thoughts that run through my head, even though H doesn't show interest in reconciling:

-Would he take off the next time a major life situation emerged? What if I were sick, for example? If he took off before, why would he stick around now when the going gets tough?

-How has he changed? Has he changed? And why?

-What if I took him back and then he left again? Our D would have to deal with all the pain and now she is old enough to be more deeply affected! I could not stand the idea of hurting my beautiful little girl, who cried and cried when he left.

-Does he have realistic expectations of our R and parenting? Parenting is hard. You say you didn't realize the sacrifices--you didn't make them before--why are you willing to now? I am sympathetic to your situation because I think you are sincere but I am telling you from a perspective of a deserted wife...as you might guess, writing this is making me a little angry.

I think you are doing the right thing because being a family does matter if you are prepared to work very hard to restore the trust and make a better marriage. But this time your child is old enough to get really hurt if you leave again.

I would want my H to:

-Show interest. You're doing that.

And I can say that the fact that you show emotion is maybe good. Even if she rejects you, she knows where your head is. Have you talked to a DB C?

-Show remorse.

Be willing to admit how badly you screwed up.

-Show sympathy for what she has gone through. This is a very big deal to me.

-Show interest in your child. Show you're willing to do the things that are not "fun" things like playing games--taking kid to doctor, drop-offs/pickups, taking time off work when kid is sick. Show you are willing to make sacrifics. In my H's case, he could talk until the cows come home but I am only interested in action from him because I don't trust a word he says.

-Put her and your child first. I think my D is about third or fourth priority to H, probably lower, and I don't believe my well-being is even on his list. If you're saying you care but when the chips are down, you're somewhere else, you will be back at square 1.

-Let her be angry. Understand why she is angry.

-Be aware that some people will be watching for you to screw up and show her you're not to be trusted. If you screw up, apologize immediately and tell her you are doing your very best.

I can tell you that parenting alone is incredibly stressful and when I think of how hard it was for me early on, I am even less willing to consider reconciling. I am not saying not forgive--I think I have done that-- but I am not sure I would be willing to open up to be hurt again. Once bitten, twice shy.

I went for probably 3 months without taking a break for myself. I had no sitters and nobody to help me. I just did it. I also had physical problems from having D that I was not aware of, and it made it harder.

And absences at special events hurt a great deal. D has day care programs--no H. D has Christmas--no H. My mom is ill--no H. Heck, even in the hospital, I was alone almost the entire day after D was born. D crying for H really hurts, too.

So do not miss any event that includes your child!!! If you are busy, say, being elected president of the United States, that's probably a somewhat acceptable excuse. Somewhat!

Eventually I have gotten used to it being D and me. We have a routine that does not include H.

Actions mean a lot more than words. Gifts would mean nothing to me. I would be very skeptical of words, although I'm not sure you could apologize enough. I would want to see that H would be willing to put D and me first, and that he is willing to make some sacrifices.

I'm not saying walk on burning coals. But you may need to come close to it.

Good luck. Please keep posting on your situation--it does give me some hope that H may eventually think we are worth making an effort for.

Really that is how I have felt--we were not worth H making an effort.