Making her the focus of my lifelove makes a huge difference too. I have come to realize that I really had neglected her for so long, what was I thinking by doing that?
"It may seem a small point - but its not."
S&A, yes this is an important point. Thanks for pointing it out.
Agreed, living without passion is not really living at all, rather it is just existing.
Hey Cinco, have you read the original Mars/Venus book? I can't recall if you had or not.
I can remember you saying that you know your W wishes you would learn to cook for her, but that you were maybe avoiding it...any news on that? I am asking because...(don't take this wrong)...a lot of times, it appears that a woman will TELL a man directly something that she wants...but because the request, to a man, doesn't really make sense or doesn't seem that important, he will basically ignore it. He will sabotage himself accidentally by doing this, because he assumes he "knows" what may or may not work for his wife. And yet, she has told him DIRECTLY something that she needs, and he ignores it?
What do you think? M/V does talk about this, and also discusses how important it is to reassure, cherish, and adore a woman...
Just want to make sure you are armed with all the knowledge you can get! Knowledge = power!
M/V is on my list of things to read (I am such a slow reader). Well, since I have a ton of time on my hands now I will start learning to cook. And yes I have avoided it for a long time. (If only I had faced that it would get her hot that I would do this for her sooner.) She even mentioned wanting me to learn to cook from scratch not even a week ago.... duh just do it already.
Cinco, a little thing about the cooking...I know I do not usually speak about how really *good* my ex-h was...a good person, father and overall, a good husband...I don't talk about it, not because he wasn't good, but because it is painful for me to think about all the sad things that happened between us. :0(
But just right now, I had the thought that I should say this about my ex-h to you, as it may be a little gem for you...
My ex-h was an EXCELLENT cook, and I am not so much of a cook but a "I will gather food and put it out for you to eat" person. So in our home, HE always cooked if we ate at home, because he himself wanted to eat his own good home-cooking versus my cans-and-jars dinners. I was so lucky. We ate so well, hearty and delicious. He made this fried chicken that was just .... ugh...my mouth still waters thinking about it.
The other day my son was over here at my house and my fiance was here too and we were joking and chatting. Somehow the subject of fried chicken came up, and my fiance stated how it is difficult to find any good fried chicken around here and therefore we never have it. (I still have not become proficient at cooking and although I do prepare our meals for fiance and I, they are mostly salads and easy things. I have never attempted to fry chicken in my life...boiled, baked, other ways of cooking it, but fried chicken seems really hard to me so I avoid it so I won't fail at it).
After my fiance had left the room, I had a sweet memory of the wonderful fried chicken we used to eat in that same room my son and I were standing in. So I leaned over and whispered to him "your dad's fried chicken, now THAT was good"...and my son agreed quietly, "yeah, dad has got his cookin' down, doesn't he?"
Cooking for me and for our family was the one way my ex-h supported me consistently, and consistently well. My friends and their spouses would come over for one of his special swiss-steak nights. We used to joke to each other that his "gravy was so good people would come for miles just to taste it", to which the kids, when they were little would squeak questions like ... "really mommy? do people really come fwum miles just to eat daddy's gwavy?" And we'd say "yep! He's got awards and trophies for how good his gravy is!!!" (wink)
Anyway...cooking can be a very intimate act of service, if the recipient of the cooking is a happy partner who adores it...
Think more and more about this, Cinco...seriously, my mouth is still drooling for that man's chicken - 5 years later...
Sunday morning I watched Rachael Ray cooking some Italian bar-b-q chicken and decided I would tackle this as my first solo attempt at cooking. Her stuff always looks good and seems do-able to me. Also this would be a new dish for us so it would be something different I could do to add to our menu. I'll have to check to see if we have all the ingredients on hand. W agreed to supervise while I fix tacos Monday evening. My first night of cooking (sort of) from scratch.
Sunday night in bed was a disaster. After waiting for a week I was begging, I felt so stupid. I spent the weekend doing things for her and we had a nice time Saturday at the concert with D. We even had drinks Sunday night and she did her shower before bed signal. Then we get in bed and all she wants to do is go to sleep. I finally get things going and for what?… Crappy chore sex, why even bother?
If we can't compromise on this frequency/quality issue I'm done. I have decided that I won't live like this any longer. The decision is now up to her. Either she truly wants me and wants to ML 1-2 times a week with passion or she doesn't. If she doesn't then I'm leaving. I want to be wanted by "the one" who loves me. If she chooses to be "the one" then great, if not we're through.
I'm actually at the same place I was 6 years ago. I'm willing to let go of her if she does not want me any longer. The difference this time is I am willing to fight for our M before I give up on it. I will still fight as hard as I can until next May. I'm putting all this work in to make her happy and to love and cherish her. I pray that she will see that we could be so happy together in a vibrant M. God please let her see we have so much to offer each other if we would just open our hearts to each other.
I am trying so hard to do this without expectations but at the same time I feel like I am still doing all of the work. She doesn't seem to get it yet. It's not about "giving it up" 1-2 times a week it's about wanting me 1-2 times a week... huge difference.
Don't worry I'm not throwing in the towel just yet. It's just so frustrating when the last time we made beautiful love and this time I have to beg for just vanilla sex. Was it not good enough last time to want more of the good stuff this time? I don't know why I didn't just roll over and go to sleep instead.
Ummm... It was me that was crying when we had that first talk though. I'm not sure she wants me as a lover any longer. I think she just loves me as a friend now. I don't know what else I can do to change this.
Ali why do there have to be so many ups and downs for us? Thanks for being here to help me through this, I promise I will keep trying as long as I can.
I hope B ~ will step in soon. Is it really that painful to have vanilla once in awhile? { could it start out vanilla and then turn into delicious flavors } It cant always be chocolate with caramel and almonds drizzled with hot fudge and topped with whipped cream. Even though that would be amazing. I think you 2 still have kinks to work out and then whatever flavor it is it will be good?!~
I am not minimizing your pain. I was just going thru this awhile back when hubby was refusing me and I was climbing the walls. And I was the LD~ one. LOL!
Anyway, keep reading the book {PM} and keep venting here. And yeah the roller coaster ride sucks... but you do learn so much. ~Ali
Is it really that painful to have vanilla once in awhile? { could it start out vanilla and then turn into delicious flavors } It cant always be chocolate with caramel and almonds drizzled with hot fudge and topped with whipped cream. Even though that would be amazing.
Ali you made me smile.
I guess vanilla wasn't a good description... It was her doing it because she felt she had to then laying there and not putting anything into it.
It was me that was crying when we had that first talk though. I'm not sure she wants me as a lover any longer. I think she just loves me as a friend now. I don't know what else I can do to change this.
