Once again, calling on your support group is a fantastic way of centering yourself.
Kids need both parents, especially in divorce, even when it jerks our hearts. Studies show the negative effects of having their father as a 'visitor'.
If your son feels strongly about spending half the time with his dad, run it by your lawyer to see if you can do a non binding agreement for more flexible visitation.
My kids' dad only spends one hour the weeks with them something which is going to eventually damage their self esteem and potentially compel them to act out in negative ways.
My kids are so great, I don't want her to have the privledge of being with them, if that makes sense.
I totally get that, I feel the same way! The OW shoiuld not be able to have any part of the lives of our kids, but we have no control over that!
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I will look at the schedule again, but not for a while. I have read some of the studies, and moving back and forth week to week is actually pretty difficult on the kids (in general). Like a businessman who lives out of his suitcase, they loose a sense of home to some extent. The kids' IC wants another session with S13, anyway, so I can email her about it. Suzy, I don't know where it came from, but it could very well have been S. He really wants to be fair.
I did a lot of reading on that type of scenario becaue my X wanted that as well, and what I read led me to the same conclusion. For the most part the kids are left feeling as if they have no real home, and kids need that. From my own experiences, at the end of the summer my kids spent the last two weeks with their dad, his new wife (she was the OW), and her kids. It was good on one handbecause I went back to work two weeks before the kids went back to school, so I didn't have to find care for them. Through various sources I have learned that "at dad's house we didn't have any rules, went to bed whenever we wanted, got up whenever we wanted, ate what we wanted, etc." After getting home and spending a couple of days running around getting ready for school my D10 (who is very mature for her age) had a melt-down. SHe was throwing a fit for me and I called her on it. We talked about it and she ended up in my lap crying that she "hated all of this", she said she "hated the divorce, hated that dad got married again right away, hated that they were just starting to get settled in the rental house then dad got married so fast and we had to move again, hated all the going back and forth, was stressed about how it effects school, etc." I think if there were consistent rules it might be easier on her, but X seems to want to be the "fun parent" so homework is not given priority, it is all about entertainment. My S9 is smart but disorganized. Numerous times last year he didn't get homework done, or did it all wrong, because X never checked. I regret that I ever agreed to any weekday overnights during the school year, but I did and I am stuck with it. Think long and hard about what you agree to. What a child may think is fair may not be what is really best for them!
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So, even my children have accepted this whole mess before I have, completely. And I have to do a better job at showing them that I will be ok, that I am strong enough to go on and have, make, a wonderful life.
Children accept what they have to. They know when they can't make mommy or daddy do what they want, so they accept what the parent does because they want to keep the parent's love. But they still have feelings, and those feelings are generally let loose around us, the parent who was left behind to pick up the pieces. My D10 will probably NEVER say to her dad what she said to me. What the children see is that the WAS was able to leave the relationship with the spouse(other parent), so what will prevent that parent from leaving the relationship they have with them. So they make sure not to say or do anything that will "make that parent leave them." Sad.
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I have to go beyond the No Expectations, right to the Expectations that he will be a Selfish Pri!ck.
And you'll never be disappointed!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
okay, read thru the thread. donna, I am so impressed with you right now. great job, honey. I know this isn't easy, but you sound really good and strong and healthy.
take care of you.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
You are doing so great!! I am really proud of you. I hope you are too.
My very first thought (when the nausea passed) was "at least OW won't be across the street anymore." I have to think that'll be a good change for you.
Sorry I wasn't here for you last night but glad I can offer some support today.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Donna, I too just read through your thread. My heart goes out to you. My XH was renting a house with his OW and her children. And guess what? He sent the loan application in both of their names to MY address! I got mail at my house addressed to my exhusband and his lover! I about threw up. Seriously! He also lives nearby. I am not sure at this point if the OW and her kids are with him or not. I try not to think about it.
I just know that it is hard. The best thing you can do (alright I got this from that book I have been reading called Fomerally a wife) is understand and accept that you have the feelings that you have. Tell yourself "I feel angry today because my XH and his girlfriend are buying a house together." And then move forward from that. The book says a lot about allowing yourself permission to have the feelings you have. To understand that it isn't wrong or bad to feel angry when you get a new blow like the one you did. The lady in the book tells about when she learned her XH was marrying his OW, how she felt betrayed all over again. At first she felt bad for having those feelings because she was divorced and shouldn't care about him re-marrying. But then she just decided to allow herself to feel bad about it and cry about it. It seems like good advice to me.
Eventually it will just be one more part of your story. Hang in there Donna. You are doing so well! Good for you that you didn't beg or plead. It is so tempting to do!
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I did great all day, but started thinking about it again on the way home. I went to my bff's house down the street.
I can't stay up much longer to go into details, but I just about did everything that you are NOT supposed to do later on tonight, after I got the kids to bed at 9:30.
It is self-abusive at this point.
I am trying so hard, I really am, and all of the effort wiped away in one evening. I am just so tired.
He told me that he doesn't miss me. That she is a much better person than I am or could ever be, that's why he picked her and not me.
He hung up on me. The kids were in bed and mom was still up, so I did what you are NOT supposed to do, and went over there.
He called the police. Nothing filed, but he wouldn't talk to me, and I had to leave. The look of anger and disgust on his face. He pulled away from me before I could even touch his arm, like I was contaminated.
He thinks I'm psychotic. Maybe I am. Really crazy people don't know that they're crazy, right?
I just wanted him to care about me as a human being. To tell me that everything was going to be alright, even if we didn't find a way to come back together, even if that would never be.
No one needs to give me advice on this. I know that what I did was wrong, counter-productive, self-abusive, etc. Most of me knows this, but the heart.....I have to learn to take control of my heart.
