Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Hi Sandi. Can't thank you enough for your compassion and the time you are taking on my behalf.

It just helps enormously having your experience and thoughts laid before me.

Re my W not wanting me to be more at home....

I know it is her bitterness and resentment talking here. I appreciate that I must do whatever is best for me and the boys. I just don't know what that is right now.
It feels like I have no option rather than to continue being separated and working away. If I go against her wishes it would probably do more harm than good. I am torn though, because it is one of the main reasons for our break up, and I do need to be around my boys much more than I have in the past. I just haven't been there for them nearly enough.

Do you think I should just not mention it again to her?

She has said that she knows it's my house, and she can't stop me being there whenever I want to.

Just to clarify, my W asked ME to leave when she delivered the bomb in March. I think I mentioned before that this seemed the only option at the time, because it was she who looked after the boys, and leaving the family home wasn't an option. Also her Mum now lives there too.
She said she needed time and space to see if she missed our marriage.
But of course, her EA had some bearing on it too!!

Well, I gave her space and time, even though I knew she was having the affair.
I have got many things wrong during this time, but I don't feel bad about breaking down so badly in the earlier times. I feel that at least I showed what it all meant to me. She has said so many times that she felt that I didn't show her enough love, even felt that I was not in touch with my emotions.

I am actually a very emotional, quite sensitive person, but my self respect has taken a real bashing over the last 10 years. Perhaps I feel that I haven't quite realised my full potential in my career, and financially, it's been a real struggle for us at times. There have been good times too. Though most of that seems to have been forgotten or rewritten.

I do have enormous problems trying to get away from feeling I'm completely to blame for all this, but I really thank you for urging me to try to move away from that mindset.

It was truly wonderful what you wrote about "Faith". I am a spiritual person, and do have a belief in God and a Higher Power. I can see that even now, things could be much worse for me in many respects, and I like to believe that is God's intervention.
I made a very big mistake in consulting with that Psychic a few months ago.
What was scary, was that she described everything in graphic detail about my situation, and wife's feelings and circumstances. She of course intimated that we would get divorced and W would be with OM. I wish that I didn't have that in my head to contend with. It makes this all the more hard.

I did wonder that she might have been looking at a possible future, and not a definite one. I believe that the future is not written yet, and it's possible to make changes to an outcome. That's what I've chosen to believe right now. I am fighting on in spite of this......... I know I must.

I will resolve to expect nothing from her. I told her in the past, that I have no expectations. For as long as I am able, I will love her unconditionally.
She did believe that I was going to turn nasty, and we'd end up hating each other. I could never hate her, even though I am so desperately heartbroken.

I try to remember what I was feeling when I had my online affair. It was different for me, as I know it often is different for men vs women. I never wanted to end my marriage, and cut my A right off. I know I shouldn't even bothering comparing the sitch, cos where we are now, is a result of so many things over the years for her. It's not just that she's ended our M because of this guy, more that she's had all she can take from me.

I'm not doing any R talk or mentioning D. I am very aware now, that is a bad thing, and I won't be doing it unless she initiates. Looking ahead, if she wants our separation to be permanent, or wants a D, then we will just have to sell the house. I know she was deeply worried about that prospect because there's no way currently she could get a mortgage on her own. She has been working part-time for the last few years running her own hairdressing business, but now wants to step that up to a more full time situation. She's obviously making plans to try to be more independent. But even working full time, she wouldn't be able to get a place of her own without help.

It's funny you mentioning about finances etc. She seems to be very conscious about NOT asking me for anything other than paying the mortgage, and stuff for the kids. So I don't think it's likely that she'll drain the account. (Not that there's ever very much in there. lol )

Funnily enough, she did say that she wants us to get her a new car. I had been thinking about changing it anyway, but I'm a little reluctant to just give her everything she wants right now. I do want to provide, and to keep paying for our house and for the boys, but I'm not sure whether making a further financial commitment would be a wise thing to do at this juncture.

Perhaps, as you say Sandi, I feel I would just be enabling her to carry on her life without any ostensible impact. She's got her life, the boys, the house, and her A. Feels like at the moment, I just need to go with the flow, try to be a good dad when I can, and become a trusted friend. There's just so few opportunities right now to show me at my best.

I'm going to do my best to continue to act "as if" in my interactions with her, and I do know the difference. It just feels some days as if I'm just lying to myself and being in denial, just to get me through the day.

One thing I do know, is that sooner or later, something will change. Nothing stays the same forever. That's clear. Sometimes, even though I think I'm doing all I can to make changes, and they are heartfelt and honest, I wonder whether I'm doing enough. I never want to feel at the end of this that I didn't do enough, and there might have been something more I could have done. I would find it hard to live with that.

I think I know the list you mean. I've seen it somewhere on the board, so I'll go get it and glue it to my forehead........ doh!
Think I've pretty much got most of it memorised anyhow. I've read the book so much now.........

Not too much to go on with the family and friends thing. My family live 500 miles away, though they are supportive as they can be. I really miss my extended family too. We are all very close and they had been my support network as well as my wife's.

I guess I don't really have that many "friends" of a close nature. Maybe that's an indication that I haven't been doing that well with relationships. My W was always my best friend, and sadly, that for the moment is gone.

I am eating better, working out, etc. Still not sleeping too well, and I do still seem to be crying sometimes, whenever I see or hear something that affects me. I am coping though.

Off to see my C tonight.

Do you think it might be worth my while talking to to a DB coach? I have thought about it, but wondered whether my sitch was too complex/hopeless?

I'm not sure what a DB coach might tell me that I don't already know through the book, and the wonderful selfless people on this board that have offered support and sound advice. Particularly you Sandi. Absolutely not ruling that out though. No stone unturned and all that.......

Thanks to your efforts, and this board, I can and do draw strength and knowledge here. It is a great source of comfort and solace and I'm so grateful.

Bless you Sandi.

Grant.