New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Hi all,

Thanks for the positive thoughts...Very interesting day that somehow ensured my H kept control. I don't think there was any backsliding, but I was put in a weird position, so could not be as cool and non-attached as I had wanted to be.

I got to the house, and gasped when H opened the door. I said that I didn't think he was going to be home. He said "I know." So we walked into the bedroom, and immediately started fooling around--he initiated. Sorry if this is TMI, but it was definitely NOT sweet and loving sex. It was probably the kinkiest sex yet that definitely put him in a position of power, and he took some pictures... This is fine, and it was fun, and I'm glad it happened. I knew I had the choice to let him be in control, or not to be in control if I didn't go along with it. To me a connection is a connection, so I thought I wanted to take what I could get. I made sure that there was also some kissing on the lips.

Afterwards HE said that he had to go soon to go to school, but that I should stay and burn some shows, walk the dogs etc. There were no awkward moments, at least I didn't think so, and we were in the house together for about another hour. I asked him about the guy who is staying here for a few weeks, and it sort of makes me feel good that he feels like he can be around him all the time because he's easygoing and quiet. If I can somehow convey this same kind of energy, maybe he will be less afraid of me. I feel better that he doesn't seem to feel he needs quite as much alone time.

H has been doing paintings, and asked me to go look at them and pick one out to take to Poland. I did, and complimented profusely. I also complimented his leg muscles profusely. This was pretty good as he even asked me a few times more if I really thought he seemed stronger, had me feel his arms and "he wasn't even flexing." The only very slight glitch came from a misunderstanding when I asked about places to jog nearby, and he said, "where are you staying, are you staying here?" And I said "oh can I?" and he said "no." I actually thought he was inviting me, but then I said that I had told him I wouldn't stay unless he invited me, and that I wouldn't just do that to him, that I was staying in a hotel nearby. Then it seemed fine almost like we were joking around, and he went on to tell me where I should jog.

He called me a sort of pet name once, not one of our sweet ones, but one of our joking mean ones. I didn't follow him around the house or anything for the time that we were both here. I asked him about books, and took his recommendations on books to borrow. I asked about his work trip, oh and now he's decided not to go to Prague as he's too busy. I said that I knew how busy he was with everything and that if there was anything I could do to help with papers and schoolwork, I'd be happy to. I know this might be perceived as pressure, but H always thought that I was unhelpful while he was studying, so I thought it would be nice to offer. He seemed to take this well.

I saw him start to pack up his things to go, and didn't get up or anything, just kept reading. Then he said "OK I'm going now.", and I joked around and said, "So? what am I supposed to do?" and he said "cry." So I said "Oh please don't go H". Problem was I really meant it and felt so much like crying. He hugged me and gave me a peck on the lips. The hug wasn't very long, but he initiated and this was good. I asked about borrowing something, and he said I could mail it back to him, which leads me to believe he will not be trying to see me tomorrow. This is a shame as I think doing something OUTSIDE of the house would be good. He always says he wants us to met on neutral ground only, but he always puts me in this position, so we never just get the chance to joke around and be normal together.

And now I'm at the house without him, and it's SO hard, as he really seemed like normal H. It was all I could do not to just ask if I could come home now, to tell him I didn't want to be in Poland anymore, to ask was he not happier with me now. I didn't do any of these things, and I didn't ask about him visiting me or anything. I get the feeling he won't though, as he is trying not to spend money. I really don't want to be away anymore, and am so tempted to just come back to Dublin and stay somewhere else for the duration of the 5 weeks, but then H will know that I am sad. I just have no idea how he is feeling. he is clearly less depressed, but he still thinks it was the relationship itself that got him to this stage, so he needs to be willing to give it a second chance in order for us to get anywhere, and I just don't know how willing he is. Ugh he still hasn't answered about pushing out the joint sessions, and we have one scheduled for Wednesday. I didn't want to bring that up though, so I guess I'll have to shoot him a quick email on Wednesday if he doesn't ask first. Could be that my perception of everything going well wouldn't match his perception, or that he would say it was fine but he was still confused. I am so torn right now. I can hardly stomach the idea of going back to Poland. I really hope that I've sown some good seeds here today, even though H left with the upper hand.

Any thoughts on the day?

ITH

[JCJ]

Wow, that is NOT the reaction you expected huh?!

It is a GREAT reaction from him IMO. He was there to greet you, he *wanted* you and had missed you in that way (absence makes the heart grow fonder). My advice is to not be too available, take heart from what happened but HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. Don't be there when he gets back, if he wants to see you he will call. Respect the fact that he didn't want you to stay. Hold your head up high, ooze confidence and know that you just had a wonderful encounter. What you have been doing so far has been right, but remember he is still in confusion, you are not just going to fall back together. This will take time.

Let him come to you this weekend and if he doesn't don't lose heart, just go with the flow and let him take the lead.

Leave the joint sessions for the moment, leave all your issues as this will be pressurising. Read your post again and see what positive actions that happened in the first half and how you DBed to perfection and then read your negative/ anxious emotions in the second half. Put aside your worries and expectations for the weekend and go with the flow. Find some stuff to do in Dublin to occupy yourself with and if you're h contacts you great, but if he doesn't you will have had a fab time anyway.

(((((((ITH)))))))))

You're doing GREAT! Now get your a$$ back to Poland and let him realise what he is missing

[istherehope]

Thanks JCJ,

I know I panic, but H has all these self-help books about love addictions and co-dependency, and I think he is really afraid that being with me makes him this way. I know that I am doing everything pretty much right at this stage in terms of what I myself can do, at least for the past 10 days I have been in DB terms, so that is good. I am only here until Wednesday morning, so if H doesn't want to see me tomorrow night, then that's that for potentially 5 more weeks...Anyway I truly hope today left him with a good feeling for me, so to speak, plus now he has some interesting pictures :).

I won't be here when he gets home as he has this temporary roommate who gets home at 630 PM. H won't be home 'til 10 PM or so. I'll be out of the house in the next 2 hours probably. It's just that I'm so comfortable here now...after all it IS my home even if I need to pretend like it's not for awhile. I did compliment H on the way the house looked. Sadly he put away all of the pictures of me EXCEPT this one of he and I together in Wales. It is nice that he left that one up.

Well I won't be too available tomorrow as I have meetings all day, so won't even be online until about 1130, and then only sporadically. I don't really expect H to invite me out, but I do think it's weird that he might not want to.

Thing is that I'm pretty unhappy in Poland, and realizing I'm so much happier here, also because it forces me to actually do work whereas there I'm a bit of a slacker... I'm there now at this point basically just because I committed to it for H. Of course I cannot tell him that. I need to act as-if it's great. He hasn't really asked me anything about it though. It's as-if my life doesn't exist there to him. I have made a few joking comments here and there about the food being bad, but that's really it, and he's never asked.

Glad to hear that you think his reaction was a good one :). It wasn't entirely shocking as it was the one way that he could retain control of the situation in every way. I don't think this is intentional, but rather just the way that he is. I didn't really think he'd want me to stay, but the way he said it at first I actually did think so for a minute...

I do have to ask about the session at some point though as we have one scheduled for the day after tomorrow, and he knows this. I guess on Wednesday morning I'll send a very quick email like "Just checking if you want to go ahead with tonight's call or whether you'd prefer me to push it out a couple weeks?"

Anyway thanks for the nice post.

By the way, which weekend did you say you'd be away this month? If H isn't going to Prague, then I think I should go to London for a night. It would be great to meet some other DBers.

ITH

[istherehope]

And I REALLY, REALLY want to backslide. Part of me feels like I have a fantastic opportunity while I am here to just get back into his life, even if it's not moving in right away. Is DB right even with a depressed person?

I would be wrong to act on these urges right? I just worry that he is so obsessed with this being codependent idea that he'll take it to the extreme, unless he can be around me and see that the dynamic is consistently different than it was. I mean it already was today, at least I thought so...How much more progress can we actually make with me in another country and 5 minute IM chats every other day? If I were in Dublin, I'm sure we'd see each other at least once per week, and we would share more of our lives, the pets, the car etc.

He now has a "roommate" who just got dumped by his girlfriend, so it's like a bachelor pad. I mean I do like the fact that he can be around other people more. It's just that I want to be in that category of safe and good too, although not so safe that I am not lovable.

Have I made any progress I wonder in terms of things with H or was today just a matter of him wanting sex? I mean fair enough if that's what he wanted. It was one of my goals for September, and I am really glad I decided to wear a new outfit.

OD said steps need to be seen as smaller and may go back and forth. Just wondering though if anyone familiar with my sitch sees positive progression amidst my whining? I see it in him as a person, being less depressed, and I'm thrilled for him, and this does matter. Of course there is the relationship too, and since he's likely not to work on it anytime soon given everything else he has going on, I hope that I am making progress in some way...

ITH

[JenInVen]

Hi ITH!

Please don't backslide. I think your encounter when you arrived was so positive. If you talk R now or ask him the wrong questions you'll send him away for longer. Keep acting as if and strive for baby steps. Now is not the time to ask to move home. I know it's hard but you must go back to Poland and continue with what you're doing.

As for the joint session...can you do it by yourself? Maybe change it to a session just for you? I'm sure Jody won't mind.

As for the sex? Most will tell you that sex for a man is NOT just sex as we women have been led to believe. If it were just sex then he'd have "just sex" with someone whom he never shared emotions (good and bad) with.

Hang in there and keep a PMA!

[istherehope]

Thanks Jen!

OK I won't backslide, really. I guess the rule of thumb is to (almost) always do what doesn't feel natural? I mean in a "normal" situation, me showing 6 weeks of consistent, and noticed, positive change (even with a few pressuring backslides) would be enough to at least have a positive conversation with my H and stay a night together. I know that if I saw him making the kind of effort for me that I'm making for this M, I would be moved beyond belief, but that's why I'm the LBS :)!

OK I will not make R talk, honest. I probably will not even see him again while I'm here if I'm honest with myself, even though I'll be staying a 10 minute walk away from our house...On the joint session, as it is in H's calendar, I'll send an email saying I can change it to individual unless he has any objections. I would love it if he actually WANTED to be on that call, which is why I'm asking him to make the decision himself. Part of me thinks he actually does like these calls, as he is very much into therapy, and given that he is the WAS, he gets to talk about his feelings quite a bit on the calls:).

The sex was pretty good, but almost violent. Again, sorry for TMI but it did really feel as though he just wanted to control me. Still, when we first agreed to S for 3 months, he said he didn't want to have sex as it would only confuse him and he wasn't sure what he was feeling. To me the fact that after nearly 4 weeks of not seeing each other he wanted to do this must mean he does have some feelings like you say, even if they aren't exactly where he wants them to be. He is being very, very good to himself, so I don't think he would have done this if he thought it would be destructive to him or to me. I am pretty sure this is why he planned to be home, and I know it was planned because our dog-walker didn't come. Also, I was good and didn't say a word about it afterwards, beyond complimenting his leg muscles.

Thank you for saying that you think the encounter was positive on arrival. It felt positive, really it felt like I lived here again, but it's easy to get sucked in when you don't have any perspective. Even though I will probably not see him again this trip, if I don't pursue him or chat with him tomorrow, I think this puts me in a position of strength.

Today I sent one email after the encounter, but only to ask if he minded if I went to Hamburg for a weekend since he wasn't planning Prague, so just a budget email and sort of showing my own GAL as well...:). No more emails though until he reaches out again!

I hope you're doing well!

ITH

[pisces9]

i agree!~
ask yourself WHY this worked? why did he want you ? even if it seems aloof and "not enough" for you. it was a huge step.

if you pursue he will run away.

ask yourself what ACTIONS you did that worked? list them here...i can name a few.

no R talk. very little contact. GAL.

Please stop and look at the positives!!

[istherehope]

Hi Pisces,

My DB idol...

I'd love to hear your perspectives on the positives...

I didn't say anything R related, the only mistake was thinking I could stay here, but it was laughed off somehow. I am sure the whole thing was planned by H, but the time after was what was generally better for me, as it felt pretty normal and natural, even though there were times I wanted to scream out and say "I could be your roommate now, let me come home!".

ITH

[pisces9]

i know that feeling! time and patience my friend!

but i want YOU to look at what actions you have done to show him you are ok. thats whats working.

you are also loving no matter what.

every time you say something positive i want you to stop and take it in. you have a habit of saying yea, but...and then something negative.

[istherehope]

Thanks Pisces. You're right I do say yes but...I am afraid of getting my hopes dashed I guess! I know I need to work on that.

OK my positive actions today were:

Avoiding all R talk, not asking for future talk or making any myself (I did say once that I would give H his favorite painting back as I wouldn't be in Poland forever, maybe pushing it a hair), not reacting after sex, complimenting his muscles profusely, complimenting his painting profusely, asking about his work trip to South Africa, asking him about books, sitting and reading one of the books he suggested while he was on his laptop so letting him do the talking when he wanted to, not acting upset by the comment that I couldn't stay in the house and turning it into a joke, asking about his friend and roommate and saying how cool he sounded, saying how great the house looked, not getting up and following him around as he got ready to leave (I used to do that even pre-bomb), joking about him leaving the house as if I didn't care, and letting him initiate physical affection. I did poke him a couple of times when he was telling me about a wine bar in South Africa he went to and a wine he was drinking there, one of my favorites, so I just poked him and said I was so jealous. I don't remember about what, but I do remember laughing about something with him on the couch. I did not ask about seeing him tomorrow, and I did not bring up Poland. I REALLY wanted to bring up Poland, and I still do, but I basically gave my word I wouldn't, so we'll see what happens with that!

Tomorrow should be interesting. I am fairly certain I will see him online, but I don't know whether he will try not to contact me. It seems he is strictly going for an every other day policy now. Interesting...Today was an action-packed day!

Thanks Pisces for always being so positive,

ITH