He's dark, I'm dark, everyone is dark

[NikB]

Hope you have a great day Poet! Mmmm massage and facial sound verrry nice.

You can switch to a new forum whenever you want. You don't need to wait for your thread to lock up.

[BarbieDoll]

Hey Poet:

I've had a very busy weekend but wanted to see how you are doing. And it sounds very good. You've been listening and making some great changes. Telling him you don't want him in the house is RIGHT ON!!! You need boundaries with him. Going for spa treatments - woot woot - thatta girl! A girl after my own heart. It will make you feel like a million bucks and you are worth it!

So, what's on with you tonight?

We're taking my daughter out for her birthday dinner. It will be my dad, my son, Ashley and I. Then we'll come back here for cake (which I still need to frost) and gifts (which I still need to wrap). Her birthday is not until Friday but she wanted it today when her brother was visiting from Toronto.

Besides that, I need to unwind from one whirlwind of a weekend.

Have a nice evening.

Barb

[poet]

Hi you two,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. Nik can you tell me more about the "meetup?" please???

Barb, I've got a movie for tonight. And, I stopped the store and picked up some "farm raised shimp and onions and mushrooms. Just got done sauteeing(sp) them and they were delicious!

poet

[poet]

I just stopped by Imageer's thread and posted this. I wanted to document it, so I would have if for future references.


For example. "We are taking holidays this week", "we met the new neighbours last night" and so on. I don't say anything about it because I don't want her to feel that she can't talk to me but I don't like it.

I know what you mean about these sorts of comments, Imageer. It hurts like h*ll, doesn't it. I can remember my husband doing the same thing to me a week after he left and I caught him coming out of our Driveway with OW. That was the night he used his Bronco and pushed me out of the way -- assault with a deadly weapon. When I later followed them and she called the police on me, he said "We could have had you arrested." Imagine that!

poet
_________________________
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1578565

[hoosiermama]

"I received some Healing Touch, and was able to release that breath-holding, and it did wonders for my anxiety."

Oh my Gosh! Hoosier,

You said just what I needed to hear. Can you please tell me more about "Healing Touch." Is there a Web site? Is it a form of massage? I would love to do it/have it/know about it, if you happen to check back in on me.


Again, thanks for stopping by.

Peace!
poet



Thank you for posting to my thread.

Hi, Poet--

Busy day today, sorry it took me so long to answer your questions. Healing Touch is an energy modality with many similarities to reiki (ray-kee), which is often more common depending upon your area. Chances are good that your massage therapist is familiar with reiki or may even be a practitioner. Here's a link to an article in USA Today about HT:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-11-04-healing-touch_N.htm
You could also google "healing touch." There are two different overseeing bodies, I think they just divided up in the past few months, but I don't think there are any significant differences. Their websites will list practitioners in your area--altho there are probably many more than are listed. Healing touch is very relaxing, but it has emotional and spiritual healing components as well--so it's really excellent for someone going through what we're all experiencing. If you can manage it, do massages as well as healing touch rather than one or the other, because they are both wonderful.

[poet]

I know the natural tendency is to want to have an opportunity to have a positive conversation, but that's not likely to happen while he's in this angry, controlling, punishing phase.

Hi Hoosier,

THANK you so much for stopping back by my thread. I have started a new thread in Newcomers ( I think I really need to go back there for a bit -- probably should have never left) but I did want to engage you in some feedback here. Can you/do you have any insight into this so-called phase??? Is it a phase he's in?

Here's a space for your answers: { }


I just don't understand it. He was so mellow when I met him. During our marriage, he used to grab me by my wrists and turn me over in the bed to face up to him. My DB coach said it was his way of saying, "Talk to me." I would tend to go hide under the covers when we fought because I didn't know what else to do. He said I would "make him so mad."

I feel so horrible for the way I handled/didn't properly handle our arguements. I could have done better. I could have looked for solutions on the Internet, but I neglected him. I am feeling very guilty right now. I know that I have to take half the blame for this mess I'm in.

I've been dark now for three days, and I'm hurting terribly.

peace,
poet

[NikB]

Hi Poet - I saw you "moved" back over to newcomers so I'll reply there.

[hoosiermama]

I know the natural tendency is to want to have an opportunity to have a positive conversation, but that's not likely to happen while he's in this angry, controlling, punishing phase.

Hi Hoosier,

THANK you so much for stopping back by my thread. I have started a new thread in Newcomers ( I think I really need to go back there for a bit -- probably should have never left) but I did want to engage you in some feedback here. Can you/do you have any insight into this so-called phase??? Is it a phase he's in?

Here's a space for your answers: { }


I just don't understand it. He was so mellow when I met him. During our marriage, he used to grab me by my wrists and turn me over in the bed to face up to him. My DB coach said it was his way of saying, "Talk to me." I would tend to go hide under the covers when we fought because I didn't know what else to do. He said I would "make him so mad."

I feel so horrible for the way I handled/didn't properly handle our arguements. I could have done better. I could have looked for solutions on the Internet, but I neglected him. I am feeling very guilty right now. I know that I have to take half the blame for this mess I'm in.

I've been dark now for three days, and I'm hurting terribly.

peace,
poet

Hi, Poet--
I'm sorry that you're hurting. This whole thing sucks.

As for insight into this phase, I can't really tell you from experience because my H goes in and out of the anger/punitive phase. I think it's just part of the general bizarreness of it all. But--have you read the MLC resources listed near the top of the list on the MLC forum? I learned so much from reading through those and found it very helpful. Not so much in changing anything, but knowing it has at least a little predictability and isn't as personal as it seems made me feel a lot less anxious.

It sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for things that were just natural reactions and ways you protected yourself. Please don't beat yourself up! Read the MLC resources. If you're like me, you'll wonder when these people were sitting in your living room! And you will see that it isn't you causing this problem, or even half of the problem.

Going dark isn't easy, but it's kind of like a time-out if you've ever dealt with toddlers, or possibly like rebooting your computer.

[SirPrizeMe]

It sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for things that were just natural reactions and ways you protected yourself. Please don't beat yourself up! Read the MLC resources. If you're like me, you'll wonder when these people were sitting in your living room! And you will see that it isn't you causing this problem, or even half of the problem.

Sounds that way to me, too.
Hoosh is right, Don't beat yourself up!

On the other hand, I feel like sharing responsibility is an ok thing to do. If you can look at a situation and say "hmm, me hiding under the covers wasn't very supportive of H, but at the same time, him physically confronting me (or whatever) isn't supportive of me..." - that feels like a mature, honest look at things.

It's not a matter of guilt; Guilt won't help you. Guilt won't help solve your problems. Looking at yourself and accepting a portion of responsibility, well, let me say that for me anyway, it's a step toward a solution, now or in the future.

I feel so horrible for the way I handled/didn't properly handle our arguements. I could have done better...

Yes, you could have done better. You're human. you make mistakes. If you are good hearted, you'll look at your mistakes and work on em. and it looks like you're doing that. Ok then. No guilt.

---
Last thing I was gonna say is, you will feel better if you have clearer, more respected boundaries. if you don't want him on the computer or in your house, then you have to enforce the boundary. not in an angry, "I hate you" kind of way, but in a "I need my own space" kind of way. Firm but not angry.

You both are hurting ... It is easy to lose perspective on the other person. They too are hurting, confused, tense. 'No need to blame or lay guilt on the other person... But no need to tolerate stuff that isn't helping you, either.

[phoenyx]

i will work on it

Hey, I really don't know how I could get the files to you. They are huge, so short of a cd or dvd it isn't going to work. Sorry. He started a new series today called i need 2 change. It's on Podcast. Good stuff