hello marisol and hope3343. I appreciate your time to read and reply. Im still trying not to get lost all these forums! marisol,wow, if they could build a rollercoaster from a blueprint of everything you've gone through, Six Flags would have a hit. First I'd like to acknowledge your 1st year anniversary today(I guess to say "Happy Anniversary" might be a poor choice of wording at this time) My 16th anniversary is Oct 17, but I expect it will be like any other day. H has always acknowledged every anniversary , birthday, mother's day , etc. I dont expect to even hear from him when Oct 17 comes. He purposely chose not to acknowledge my birthday July 30. The only reason he called was to gripe about computer parts that I had recyled then hung up abruptly. Maybe you could do something nice for yourself tommorrow - hang out with friends, maybe a pedicure, some shopping , or just hang out with us ! We have to wonder what will be going on in their crazy minds on those days. If they feel any guilt, thats hope for us. Take what you can get then build on it. But I do not plan any form of contact with H on our day. Its just more of the same.
Ive been through the shock, despair, desperation, fear, and anger. Ive pleaded and tried to reason, but just as DB will tell you, it pushes them away further. After one going-nowhere conversation about the past, he actually said "the more you bring it up the more I need to tell you IDLYA and I havent missed you since I left". It is too much to bear for me to hear those things, especially from a man who was NEVER reserved about saying ILY.
Our H sound like victims of MLC (well, we're actually the victims, but I don't want to portray that). you had your first D with him just out of high school, then within 2 years he had to marry OW because she was pregnant? Just curious, how come he didnt marry you when you were pregnant? My H and I were also high school sweethearts, me 15 him 17 when we started to date. I was his first and only real girlfriend. He served for navy see-bees just after he graduated and we stuck that through thick and thin. I to this day still have all the letters we wrote back and forth, read them and am amazed at the passion there. I was 20 and he was 22 when we married. Our first son was born 5 months after our 1st anniversary. We went from living at home with mommy and daddy (I still lived at home even through nursing school)with the exception of his military stent, to marriage ,career, mortgage, parenthood and so on .It all became routine stress I guess.
It is like they feel the need to go back to their late adolescence and "college days" to do what they didnt get a chance at then. my OW is actually the same age as me with 2 boys , not 21! But either way its crazy . And it sounds like theyve both run from their real responsibilties. Theyre out playing the single guy, thinking only of themselves. Yes, they are being VERY selfish and disrespectful toward us, and we do not deserve this and certainly not our children! They are seeing only what pulls them toward those OW and what is pushing us away from them. Theyre not seeing the big picture here.
And while I can swallow my pride and admit to some of my negative behaviors in regards to attention and affection, after 15 years I was spent. So much that I didnt even realize the effect of my behavior or realize I was behaving negatively at all. There were things I wouldve liked from him in regards to affection and appreciation, his drinking bothered me, and his weak spiritual faith bothered me. But I took the good with the bad. Never once did I question my love or committment for him.But I am tring to realize this is so much more about him than it is me. He has always been insecure and overly sensitive, he has never had a close relationship with his parents- as a matter of fact he has barely spoken or visited them since all this has happened. They know what is going on and side mostly with me. Im sure he feels ashamed. He has always hated his job. The house we built 5 years ago has been so much work and upkeep. He is so graciously letting me have the house, though. Gee thanks, maybe I can get the leaks in the roof and ruined drywall repaired, then paint, then take care of the flooding basement, cut about 1 acre of grass that is mostly on hills (takes me and 3 kids about 2 to 3 days to finish) do some landscaping AND put it up on the market so noone will buy it since the housing market is just booming right now, and if it does sell, take a loss. And finally, concerning our 3 kids, well you know teenagers, but my D11 is hearing impaired and ADD so she has been an extreme challenge especially in school. Yeah, I guess single life does look quite greener doesnt it?
You sound like a wonderful person- you have to be for not wanting to give up on your marriage and i support you 100% Please dont think of yourself as "a backup plan", because quite frankly it doesnt sound like he has much of a plan for anything right now. I think as long as we can stay patient , lovingly distance , take the high road, especially when it comes to the OW. Eventhough my D11 brings OW up in casual conversation, describing things they do together, how she has my H # in her cell phone contacts as "sweetie " and proudly displays their picture together cheek to cheek on her laptop screensaver, and how they like to go in the other room and "close the door" just like me and daddy did. We all know what the closed door means.As much as it hurts to hear it - I dont ask she just tells-I refrain from saying anything bad about OW except that her and daddy chose to be together while daddy and I had already made a promise when we married and that it hurts because I thought OW was my friend. We have to stay strong and be an advocate for ourselves and especially our children Be resilient. Its one of the most valuable lessons we can teach our children. We have to set the right example right now because our H certainly are not! Our H can search and search and search but they will never find the happiness they are looking for as long as they expect it from others. Self worth comes from within- its all about attitude. You have to learn to love yourself or youll never be happy . Just remember, you were the ORIGINAL plan- plan A. And since he doesnt know how to do his part in making plan A work, he's gone to the backup plan- plan B which is HER not you! And we all know plan B doesnt always work either.
T2L, I did read the article, the writer is a genius. How true every word. I also agreed about the 6 month cycle for an affair. In the DB book, it says that instead of hating the OW, see what would attract your H to her. Today, one of my co-workers in conversation told me that the OW usually has a huge Halloween party every year and decorates the house etc. not knowing of course that this is my H OW! He then goes on to show me pictures of last years party. Everyone was dressed up and I remembered that H told me we were invited last year, but we did not go because he did not know if it would be right going to her house because he is her boss??? How times change! But interestly my co-worker told me she is still with her boyfriend and I found out he works here also! the plot thickens. He said that the OW is totally opposite with her boyfriend, the boyfriend is very quiet, does not drink shy, while the OW LOVES to drink, gets loud likes to party etc. Now I know why my H keeps coming home drinking big time. As my H was a borderline alcoholic and gave up drinking many years back, this will catch up to him big time. What will start off as a good time will eventually catch up with him and not in a good way. He will be unable to keep up. Marisol, JGrind, T2L, we are not the backup plans. Do not think of ourselves. THEY are the backup plans. If they continue to act in this manner they will be the losers because we are the best and it will be a shame if they do not "see the light" and realize the errors of their ways! These OW are only 6 month temporary fixes! right? Time to work on our 180s...
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
JGrind, I just read your post and I like your attitude. Did I detect a touch of sarcasm about your home, lawn and real estate conditions?? lol Remember to keep our dignity. We can hold our heads up and they truly cannot. I truly feel for our kids. These are the bad choices our H make -- and it truly is a choice. It is not like they have cancer and we work together for a cure. This is just stupid MLC behavior that everyone will suffer especially them but they don't realize it. It is selfish. Your right they have no plan -- we have to figure it out for them and work around their madness. We did not ask for this. yes we were part of the problem but not all of the problem. We will stay strong. Some days will absolutely suck but we will do our best. We will be the queens of DB.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi T2L. No is it a book or for couples? Also need some help from my posse here...We go tomorrow night to meet together with the MC (we have both been going on our own). I know H is going to talk about him moving out, telling our D etc. Not sure on what to say if I am not supposed to talk about the future, working on the marriage etc. What I want to do is slug him but I know that is not acceptable. Really confused on how I should approach it. Our MC is a Christian counselor and seems invested in trying to save marriages but to date my H does not seem to be swayed at all. T2L -- pat me on the back again...pat pat pat. I was going to go home for lunch and H calls me on cell phone saying he tried to call me at my desk and I did not answer, he was planning on going out to the island (where we live) to look at some furnished apartmants. I told him that I was probably going home, he says he will stop by after looking (more of the same behavior to talk about the apts, bills etc.), I had my keys in my hand -- hung up the phone and went to the Subway here and got a salad. Why should I go home and put up with that. a mini-180. I should not have answered the phone when he called which would have been better. But we keep trying. Have you heard from your H? How did the weekend go? k
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope3343, Pat, Pat, Pat! Good for you! Hmmm the marriage counselor thing? That's great that you've been going on your own. So it this Christian counselor solutions based like DB? I would see how the counselor leads the meeting. He will more than likely have a sensing or knowledge of whether or not you should talk about the future. I'm thinking the problems might need to be addressed first. I don't have much knowledge on that as my H left the home and I have no contact except for financial or kid issues.
Weekend kinda was hard, my son tried to have a sleepover on friday but was so worried that I was home alone he faked a stomache ache to come home. I picked him up and told him he didn't need to lie to just tell me he was having a hard time. On the way home he grabbed my hand(he's 9) and say mom I love you and starts to cry. I say whats wrong he says I feel like I need to protect you since dads gone. :-( I tell him that God watches over me and ask him if he can do a better job than God and he say no mom. So I say don't worry about me son I'll be fine I'm a big girl. He cried harder and says does dad know what he has done to me? I say dad told me not to tell him. He cries and says look at my fingernails mom i can't stop biting them and I'm nervous all the time. I feel bad for him I feel bad my self and I feel bad for my daughter. We have an appointment for therapy on the 18th. I am starting to wonder more and more why I am still waiting....He obviously could care less about me. I know he may somewhat care for the kids-but more about his self.
I tell H this morning about the whole thing with our son and tell him that i have been reading a lot of resources on the internet about kids suffering the effects of affairs so that I can help the kids more. I tell him that it's normal for the kids to not want to talk to them and say to google for information on effects of Affair, His response: No thanks. Ugggggg.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hi T2L, My heart and prayers go out to you and your family, and as much as it kills me - my prayers go out to your H that he sees the light and the effects this has on the children. Your little guy has the weight of the world on his shoulders. This is too much for him to bear. Sounds like he is trying to be "man of the house". Good thing you are taking them to therapy. My H went to a Kids Divorce class on Saturday. He thinks he is an expert on the subject. Isn't it sad there is a class to break your child's heart. He told me I should go. We are the ones who protect the ones we shouldn't. This class is for them since they want out. Have you talked to your son's guidance counselor at school so they know what is going on. Also you were right to bring this up to H. Even though he responded negatively sometimes you plant that seed and he might check it out. I know when H told me he is looking at apts all over town, I asked him why didn't he look on the island to be close to his daughter. Didn't think he listened and now that is the only area he is looking. Will be tough having so close to house but I have to do what is right for D15. Sometimes I think the MC is good but sometimes I don't think he is aggressive enough. I will let him lead, but not sure what I should say when it is my turn. I might use the alien replaced my H and I am not happy to use his words {{smile}} I hear in the tone of your last post that you are getting angry and almost bitter. We are allowed. It is a lonely struggle for us. Last week I was ready to throw in the towel and just get an atty and serve him. But once I came back to the real world I need to at least try. Especially since I have made some good strides in GAL and DB techniques. I usually walk the beach every night and the funny part is I have been seeing some of the regulars there and one guy says he looks out for me and another turned around and walked with me one night. Good for the self esteem that is buried in the dirt - absolutely. Interested - NO NO NO, but I think God is showing me I am a good interesting person. We have to remember this. Lets work on a 180. Think we both could use it~ any ideas or have you used all of yours up?
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
This thread is great! I look forward to jumping on every day to read other people's comments and make posts myself.
I'm so happy for you Hope! Sounds like things are moving the way you want them too!
T2L I did read the article. It was awesome! Very insightful! Thanks for sharing it... I feel for your son. Our H have no idea the impact they are having on our kids. I wish they could see what happens at home when they are not there.
Today is a rough day for me...its our first year anniversary and I am fighting myself to not send him an email or text. I haven't gotten anything of course... I couldn't help myself so I watched our video and looked at pictures. I just couldn't stop asking myself all of those questions... Why? What happened? Is this really happening?
Anyways, just trying to get through the day... I just want him back... this is awful.
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Marriage Builders has alot of information about Affairs.. Dr. Willard Harley has a book that is similar to DB and was told it complements DB very well. I am going to get the book to day it's called Surviving An affair by Dr. Willard Harley. There are a lot of resources on the website too. You should go check it out.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
