Rob #10 - Reinvent Your World

[Rob1231]

Hi BH, I'm glad reading my story helped you. Here's my answers - keep in mind that every sitch is a little different - your mileage may vary.

What do you think was the most influential thing you did to help save your M?

The thing that I see so many newcomers struggling with is learning to be happy for themselves - letting go of the dependency and needing from their old, broken R.

GALing is not just a nice way to distract yourself while you wait for your marriage to heal. GALing is the WAY that you save your marriage. First, you save yourself - you rediscover what it means to be a happy, strong, self-sufficient individual. You let go of the other person and stand on your own two feet. You know, and let it show in everything you do, that you will be happy and have a terrific life no matter what happens in your R.

That is a necessary step to rebuilding your marriage. This newly recreated version of you is the best person you can be - and is, often, a new incarnation of the person who your spouse was attracted to and fell in love with, way back when. Then, you don't have to chase them down - you can let them come back under their own steam.

How did you keep hope alive when your WAS kept saying the ILYNILWY?

All through her MLC, it was clear to me that my W was lost and confused. I adopted the mindset of "she's not herself" and learned to let the hurtful things she said and did go past me without taking them personally. They were rooted in her own problems, so I let go of trying to fix her and focused on fixing myself instead.

What do you feel were some signs that your W was wanting to R?

What has been the hardest thing for you during R?

These two really go together. The signs were very small, and often I had to read between the lines. An example that I site often: She said repeatedly she was moving out "next month" - but she never did.

So, the toughest part of piecing for me was the realization that there would be no "Big Hollywood Moments" where she came to me, made a tearful confession, begged my forgiveness, and pledged to work on the M with me. Instead, it was a continuation of the long, slow series of baby steps I had seen earlier. All along, Time and Patience were my best allies.

Hope that helps - best wishes to you!
Rob