Thanks, ot. Yeah, the voice of reason and clarity is coming back. I remember not too long ago when this would have put me into such a literal crazed state that I would have reacted right away. Now, while there was an impulse to rush over there last night and beg, but I knew that was irrational and would be a useless, self-harming exercise.
So I sat and took it. I cried, and knew that there was nothing I could do about it but feel it and let it go through me. I hate feeling helpless.
I don't know what the timetable will be on this. S is guessing it could happen within a week (but he is only 13....D9 said there was a cute kitten there--could there be a family who would have to move out?).
It will be better for the kids to have their own space while they are visiting their father. And she won't be in my face all of the time, living across the street from me. At least I can take comfort in the fact that my kids are pretty self-sufficient. gf won't be giving my D9 baths. I still hate that they have to be in her presence, but that is more about me than about them. My kids are so great, I don't want her to have the privledge of being with them, if that makes sense. But I'll be better able to get a handle on their bedrooms - half the toys can go over there.
I will look at the schedule again, but not for a while. I have read some of the studies, and moving back and forth week to week is actually pretty difficult on the kids (in general). Like a businessman who lives out of his suitcase, they loose a sense of home to some extent. The kids' IC wants another session with S13, anyway, so I can email her about it. Suzy, I don't know where it came from, but it could very well have been S. He really wants to be fair.
I spoke with S a little yesterday. He had said that he wanted to write his dad a letter about everything (last week) he was feeling. I asked him last night what he wanted to say. He said he wanted to tell him that I was having a really hard time dealing with this, that x should be home. I asked him if that was more for me, or for him. He said his dad will always be his dad; it was more out of concern for me. Ugh. I said not to worry about it; I am a big girl and will be just fine.
So, even my children have accepted this whole mess before I have, completely. And I have to do a better job at showing them that I will be ok, that I am strong enough to go on and have, make, a wonderful life.
I am so stupid. x told me that he had no intentions of getting married again (threatened me with it when I wanted the clause of no overnight guests). Maybe he will, maybe he won't marry her. And S had said that up until now, gf has been acting as just a neighbor-- no open displays of affection. He said that his father had been respectful of that. I guess that all goes out the window. It was all just my own mental gymnastics.
I have to go beyond the No Expectations, right to the Expectations that he will be a Selfish Pri!ck.
The other good / sad news is that her messed-up girls will probably benefit from living with x.....he was always a good parent. As long as she learns to help him keep his quick temper in check.
But, hey, with all that: I got my kids tucked into bed last night. I used my list of contacts to finish dealing with the swirling in my head until I was sleepy enough to go to sleep without tossing and ruminating. I got up for work today, on time. We all got off to where we needed to be on time. My hyper student teacher got me right into the work at hand. I'll call my bff from college after school. The weather is beautiful. S has scouts tonight, so D and I can have a girls' night. Tomorrow will be another day
