New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Hi all,

Thanks for the positive thoughts...Very interesting day that somehow ensured my H kept control. I don't think there was any backsliding, but I was put in a weird position, so could not be as cool and non-attached as I had wanted to be.

I got to the house, and gasped when H opened the door. I said that I didn't think he was going to be home. He said "I know." So we walked into the bedroom, and immediately started fooling around--he initiated. Sorry if this is TMI, but it was definitely NOT sweet and loving sex. It was probably the kinkiest sex yet that definitely put him in a position of power, and he took some pictures... This is fine, and it was fun, and I'm glad it happened. I knew I had the choice to let him be in control, or not to be in control if I didn't go along with it. To me a connection is a connection, so I thought I wanted to take what I could get. I made sure that there was also some kissing on the lips.

Afterwards HE said that he had to go soon to go to school, but that I should stay and burn some shows, walk the dogs etc. There were no awkward moments, at least I didn't think so, and we were in the house together for about another hour. I asked him about the guy who is staying here for a few weeks, and it sort of makes me feel good that he feels like he can be around him all the time because he's easygoing and quiet. If I can somehow convey this same kind of energy, maybe he will be less afraid of me. I feel better that he doesn't seem to feel he needs quite as much alone time.

H has been doing paintings, and asked me to go look at them and pick one out to take to Poland. I did, and complimented profusely. I also complimented his leg muscles profusely. This was pretty good as he even asked me a few times more if I really thought he seemed stronger, had me feel his arms and "he wasn't even flexing." The only very slight glitch came from a misunderstanding when I asked about places to jog nearby, and he said, "where are you staying, are you staying here?" And I said "oh can I?" and he said "no." I actually thought he was inviting me, but then I said that I had told him I wouldn't stay unless he invited me, and that I wouldn't just do that to him, that I was staying in a hotel nearby. Then it seemed fine almost like we were joking around, and he went on to tell me where I should jog.

He called me a sort of pet name once, not one of our sweet ones, but one of our joking mean ones. I didn't follow him around the house or anything for the time that we were both here. I asked him about books, and took his recommendations on books to borrow. I asked about his work trip, oh and now he's decided not to go to Prague as he's too busy. I said that I knew how busy he was with everything and that if there was anything I could do to help with papers and schoolwork, I'd be happy to. I know this might be perceived as pressure, but H always thought that I was unhelpful while he was studying, so I thought it would be nice to offer. He seemed to take this well.

I saw him start to pack up his things to go, and didn't get up or anything, just kept reading. Then he said "OK I'm going now.", and I joked around and said, "So? what am I supposed to do?" and he said "cry." So I said "Oh please don't go H". Problem was I really meant it and felt so much like crying. He hugged me and gave me a peck on the lips. The hug wasn't very long, but he initiated and this was good. I asked about borrowing something, and he said I could mail it back to him, which leads me to believe he will not be trying to see me tomorrow. This is a shame as I think doing something OUTSIDE of the house would be good. He always says he wants us to met on neutral ground only, but he always puts me in this position, so we never just get the chance to joke around and be normal together.

And now I'm at the house without him, and it's SO hard, as he really seemed like normal H. It was all I could do not to just ask if I could come home now, to tell him I didn't want to be in Poland anymore, to ask was he not happier with me now. I didn't do any of these things, and I didn't ask about him visiting me or anything. I get the feeling he won't though, as he is trying not to spend money. I really don't want to be away anymore, and am so tempted to just come back to Dublin and stay somewhere else for the duration of the 5 weeks, but then H will know that I am sad. I just have no idea how he is feeling. he is clearly less depressed, but he still thinks it was the relationship itself that got him to this stage, so he needs to be willing to give it a second chance in order for us to get anywhere, and I just don't know how willing he is. Ugh he still hasn't answered about pushing out the joint sessions, and we have one scheduled for Wednesday. I didn't want to bring that up though, so I guess I'll have to shoot him a quick email on Wednesday if he doesn't ask first. Could be that my perception of everything going well wouldn't match his perception, or that he would say it was fine but he was still confused. I am so torn right now. I can hardly stomach the idea of going back to Poland. I really hope that I've sown some good seeds here today, even though H left with the upper hand.

Any thoughts on the day?

ITH