Hi sweetie...remember I had suggested that you need a girls only weekend for yourself? Well you still need one!
I don't mean this to be just some kind of temporary escape, I mean it that you LITERALLY NEED a girls weekend for yourself soon, or you may really hurt yourself inside more and more.
I had mentioned the new John Gray book When M/V Collide...it describes how women need to keep their oxytocin (a hormone) levels high or else they get depressed and unbalanced and unhealthy. Doing "girly" things for ourselves and with our girly friends and relatives, actually stimulates oxytocin production and you really will feel better almost immediately. You need to maintain high levels of oxytocin as a woman, to feel healthy.
So girly...you gotta get your girlies together and somehow get away for a weekend for Alicia!! Its not to punish the man, its not to "prove a point" about anything (ie: fine, I'll just spend money on myself if you are going to be that way), its nothing like that at all. It is about stroking within yourself the buttons that make you exude your womanhood. Comprende?
Even if you don't read the book, take my word for it...I can tell from all that you write that you are an overwhelmed mom who needs a break, and if you don't get one you are going to become more and more sad and resentful...we are not meant to be deprived of our loving sisters and the ways they and only they can support us! We have to get back in touch with our girly-ness in order to be balanced in our woman-ness. We do this by doing things like:
*Girls weekend trip to the beach
*Getting nails and toes done, getting lunch together, seeing girly movies together
*Shopping together
*Gathering to talk, share, support each other through conversation, chatting, and other forms of communication
*Join a yoga or fitness class together
. . . . .
So Ali - your problems with your H are one thing, and I have very little advice about that because the dynamic between you and he seems like something that is still playing itself out, you two are in flux...but YOU girl, I can tell you what YOU need, and please heed my advice and do something from the list above with some girlfriends or female relatives soon.
A weekend away would be best...NO KIDS though...you need the break and you need to not feel guilty about it, either.
On Friday when he got home from work, { I was at the other house painting and doing PAPERWORK FOR OUR BUSINESS} He called me to come home asap. “YOUR Dog is barking and YOU need to come to take care of him , how is it that I am supposed to come home from work and then take care of your f*cking dog.? “ In the rudest tone possible and he said more, I just cant remember.
I knew I needed to go but I needed to print out the invoices,,, we needed to get paid. And I needed to drop the invoices off. He calls again , even more irate than the first time….. That really hurt my feelings, especially because , I had said before the dog barking made me anxious and he was too much for me we could give him to my Aunt she loves Labs and lives in the country And he said NO! and when he misbehaves he is suddenly my dog.
So anyway, We were talking yesterday and I brought this up and he said “ well honey , I was tired and I was not up to listening to a DOG barking. I said “ Yes , I agree you shouldn’t have to come home form work and listen to a DOG barking like that.” “ I understand where you are coming from.”
“ However, I don’t feel that you need to involve me in the equation.”
“Why do you feel it necessary to be rude to me?” “It is quite UNNECESSARY .”
I gave him an example of what he could have said and left me out of it. I also said you can have emotions , you can get angry, you have that right . Just leave ME out of it. I have nothing to do with it.
WE also talked about how he is always angry , has an edge to him. At first he didn’t want to see it and then he agreed. He didn’t go out again last nite. He spent it with me snuggling. The private call. I did ask him if he ever figured out who called and he said “NO.”
I also have to admit that I found the numbers he had been dialing. { ON LABOR DAY WHEN HE CALLED HIS MOM, HE COULDN’T HAVE CALLED HIS MOM CAUSE THE ACCESS NUMBERS USED TO BE 1- 800 NUMBERS}
They appear to be local… ONLY TO MY EMBARRASSMENT . THEY ARE FOR A PHONE CARD HE BUYS TO CALL MEXICO.
It was in the laundry, I washed the phone card.
So the mystery of that is solved , except for the private call. It is mostly my mind playing tricks on me and looking for reasons to invalidate that he could really be changing and turning a corner.
I was proud of myself for talking to him yesterday afternoon. { about the private call anymore and for being strong, and talking from a healthy standpoint} And for not getting emotional. I said it firmly strongly and with love. I am really going to have to work on my fears and keep working with him on the way he speaks to me. I am going to focus on me more but I AM ALSO GOING TO KEEP SETTING BOUNDARIES AND PROTECTING MYSELF . In the end he wins too , cause I will be much happier { when I feel like he is respecting me } and he reaps the benefits too.
I am going to have a good day. I am off to wash my car.... and have a good day.
I have also realized I have much work to do with my 17 year old son.... :roll: he loves to push my buttons. I have had enough of that too! Wow does it ever end?
This is going to be good for me and my sanity, and my well being.
and yes I need to get out more and GAL more that is for sure and find me... I need to just do it~ God bles you all... ~Ali
I am alone today.. the kids are in school and hubby is at work.
I have called my friend to go have coffee and she doesn't answer? I may just go myself...
I am feeling better and not so paranoid. My Kids and I and hubby had a good day yesterday.
I had some free time all to myself and my kids were at the new house playing with the neighbor kids. And hubby went to visit a friend for a bit.
He didn't go out and he did not get drunk.... All weekend. he is still drinking but the funny thing is I am dumping most of the beer out ,,he leaves them mostly full. Positives.
And I can see that if I keep this up and he stays open to change ,, this just might get healthy!
Very healthy!!!!!!!!!!
But I also have to let go and know it is ok to be happy and I am worth it.
I fight it myself. All I have ever known is to fight for happiness, it was never just given to me freely.
I feel this song is very appropriate for what I am going thru now. { I love the way this Girl sings~} I need to leave myself ' alone' leave myself to do this. I need to allow myself to grow and not be so hard on myself. I need to see more that I am human and my Hubby is too. He will surely keep making mistakes but he is trying. It is a fact that he will still be human and I need to better learn to deal with that reality. I need to love myself enough , not to be looking for perfection. I am going to keep growing.... I hope he continues to come along with me. I hope and pray I can continue to do the real work that is involved in this. I feel energy and I also feel sadness that WE HAVE TAKEN SO LONG TO GET TO THIS POINT { to wake up to the reality of what potential we have together as a Couple and as Parents~}and there is still so much work to do.
Keep getting out with those friends. I'm glad your fear have subsided somewhat. Good that you have good days more and more now too. I know a lot of what we go through with our spouses is growth pains. When we grow it forces them to grow too.. but it's not always easy.
This is the song I listen to when I am sad and need hope for my M, Not Too Late. Norah Jones has the most beautiful voice, I can't stop listening to her songs. Plus she's from my home town, got to support the local musicians.
We'll get through this Ali and come out on the other side stronger.
Ideas for your lab: he/she is stressed & bored. Chewing in an adult dog (older than 18 months) indicates that.
1- Go to Petco or other similar store & purchase a variety of chew toys.. cloth, Kongs, rawhides, marrow bones, etc. find what he/she will LOVE to chew on, but doesn't destroy!! Each dog is different.. I have had 9 foster dogs & the 4 that were chewers all had different preferences.
What she doesn't like consider donating to your local rescue, us foster parents love donations like that
2- S/he needs exercised... long walks 20-30 minutes 2x a day will go a long ways towards burning off some of that excess energy.. tired dogs don't chew
3- as far as the separation anxiety, the exercise will help with that a lot as well. If she's sleeping when you're gone..s/he's not missing you. Try leaving the radio or TV on.. if you have digital video camera... let it run & record some night when you are home washing dishes, talking, cleaning, whatever ... and then let that video play in the TV while you're gone.
Kenneling them while your gone in a place where she fels secure may help as well. I was never a 'kennel' person until I got foster dogs and it is amazing how much security having their own 'den' gives a dog. you can get an xtra large wire kennel that fits labs, at the same petstore for about $100. put a night shirt or something with your scent on it in with her/him the first few times. Put her/him it in for short times to start with when you are there. Gradually building up the time s/he is in it.
I start by placing a new foster into the kennel(it's back up against one wall with an entertainment unit on one side & the recycling boxes on the other so it is a 'den' & helps with the secure feeling they have) and I just sit in a chair nearby reading for about an hour or so. They get a treat every time they go in and they have to 'sit' before I let them out.. so there is no rushing out when the gate is opened.
well.. that's a bunch to get you started! Let me know if I can help more. good luck with your move & getting your lab settled.!
Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
{ thanks for the tips Bridge and the video Cinco, I love Norah JOnes too , her voice is so delicious. I hadn't heard this one. I have been told I look like her... BY Women at the Spa I work at?~! Go figure}
You know when I saw your pic of you with your kids I said to myself, "hmmm, she looks like someone familiar." I never could place the face though. That's it! You really do have a striking resemblance to Norah, now that you mention it. You are both very beautiful IMHO.
