I knew I could count on my friends here; thank you all so very much.

It seems like, as soon as I get a pretty solid footing under me, whoop! there goes that damn rug again!!

I am starting to feel better. I cried a bit last night (who am I kidding, I cried a LOT). But the Lunesta and xanax kicked in and I was able to sleep straight through with no crazy dreams (I think you can even see it in my last post last night!)

I know that there is nothing I can do about this turn of events. I just hadn't let go as much as I thought I did.

I think the thing that is making me so upset about it, is the kids. My two will now be around her 4 on a regular basis, and the oldest is a real mess--promiscuous, piercings all over, history of cutting...her Facebook page lists many references to F*ck Divorce! She's 15, and I worry what influence she might have on the kids. Let alone the mother, herself.

My son came home last night, asking if we would change custody, one week here, one week there. Urgh! I said no, it will stay the way it is. The kids miss him, and S wants things to be even, fair. I can't even begin to think about that.

I feel so.......split. When I am more myself, the everyday, awake thoughts, I know that the man who I loved is dead. That is the reality. I can grieve that, but still move on.
Then there is the side who, when I see or hear him, when I think about things too long, just goes back to the fantasy, dwelling in the past. It is powerful. There were so many things that were good, and he was so careful to hold in the spiral downward to inside his own head...
We didn't argue (had minor disagreements); there was never yelling. He did things for me, said all the right things, touched me, bought me gifts and cards when appropriate, held my hand, said I love you, called to check in, all like there was nothing wrong. Friends and family envied our relationship.

Then the lightswitch was thrown, and my world was shattered.

Even to this day, he tries so very hard to be the exact same person to everyone else he always was, except to me.

I think that if he could have found a way, he would have used an eraser to wipe me out of my life, like some cartoon.

And I am angry at myself for still having these feelings for him.


They're not just moving in together. They are buying a house together.