Still moving in a positive direction

[Dawn of Hope]

Frank,
I don't know if I have posted to you before, but yours is one of the threads that most interests me. I check on your latest update daily. I was so sad to see that you had to take the tough love approach, but I think it was probably the right thing for you. I pray that this wakes her up and leads to a fully restored M for you.

(Bear with me a minute; this is actually related to what you said in your last post.) A couple of days ago I followed the urging of several on this board and signed up for


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messages, and spent some time on that site. One of the things I saw on there that was new to me was the info that the average person returning to a M after ending an A takes about *18 months to 2 years* to get over the OP...and that is with NO CONTACT! If they stay in contact it takes longer! I would guess that there is some correlation there with how long it takes the average LBS to get over their WA once the M is effectively over, and probably it is similarly affected by the amount of contact they have. I definitely notice that now that I am past the initial anguish, it's definitely easier on me when H is not here (he still lives at home and even sleeps in the same bed, although he doesn't touch me), even though I know perfectly well that when he's gone, it's always because he's with OW. At least I don't have to think through every last ramification of my smallest word or action if he's not here. I'm not nearly so paralyzed by the possible consequences of whatever I might do today, based on his analysis of my words and actions.

Much as we would all like our spouses to suddenly have that forehead-smacking "What in the name of the devil was I thinking??" experience, I have never heard of it happening that way. They have to pull themselves out of the quicksand all alone, and it takes a lot of time to get free of it. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but...you can't help her get out of that pit, so you need to get on with your life while she's flailing around. With luck, she will eventually extract herself, brush off the mud, see you off in the distance and race to catch up. (By the way, this whole paragraph falls into the category of "reminding you of things you already know perfectly well, but may lose sight of sometimes.")

Hang in there, Frank. You seem to be doing very well!

Blessings and peace,
Dawn