Hey everyone, I've been a lurker. Very busy with my job lately. Still hurting. As for the church issue, I see it differently. I see her going to church as a reason to celebrate. It's really easy to cast the first stone. Jeff, I know you are hurting and you are almost justified to be angry. But you have to be excited that God is working enough in her life to let her go to church. Think of all of the crap about belitting marriage she hears daily from all of the people who rationalize her decisions. For an hour today, she heard the truth in a way that she couldn't deny. We can't judge or doubt God's ways. He has a plan. Deep down, she knows what is right. If the goal of marriage is to get your partner to heaven, then its odd sometimes that the WAS may be helping us do just that. I've never felt God's presence more than in my current anguish. For the first time, I humbly relate to the pain Jesus felt in the Garden when he was betrayed. I feel the pity that Mary must have felt looking at Jesus on the cross. And I have hope that the good of God will prevail in our lives just as we know He does. In an ironic way, our faithfulness and love/tolerance for our WASs might be the only thing keeping them from hell. With my wife, I really wonder who else out there is truly praying for her.
I know that sounds fire and brimstone. But I've just been doing alot of reflection on my own situation lately. What if what happened is because it is what was necessary to turn my life firmly towards Christ? Before I went to mass, acted Catholic. But I also was firmly planted in this world. I struggled mightily with lust (in my own heart), sometimes with alcohol (not crazy, just drinking more than I needed to) and with just having a huge ego at other times. I knew I wasn't being the guy I was meant to be. About a year ago at this time, I prayed for God to turn my heart from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh. I just never knew this is what it involved. After my D, I still pray for my WAW everyday and focus on trying to forgive her. Its so hard. I am still filled with anger at times. But I know she can't truly be happy and like your's Jeff, they must be so confused, hurting and lonely. I'm moved with pity. As painful as all of this is, there is a feeling of freedom of living in the light. I barely hide anything about my life lately. I know I still sin and I'm far from perfect. But I am living the best life I can after I've been busted down a few rungs. I'm not ashamed of how I'm living anymore. Hurting--OH, yeah am I ever. Living in shame? No...
On another Catholic issue, I'm still not sold on an annulment for me. I'd love to be able to move on and experience the beauty of marriage again. I really loved being married and didn't appreciate it as much as I should have. But I keep having this nagging feeling to be faithful to my covenant. I know it sounds crazy but I see how God was faithful to Israel and even called it his adulterous bride...interesting. I wish my wife would turn from lovers that "won't satisfy" like I can within a holy christian marriage. The whole "one body" part of marriage still gets me. I feel the pain as if my shoulder was ripped off. In short, I miss her. And I pray for her. I'd love to one day have my marriage restored as hopeless as it seems.
Just my late night 2 cents. I didn't mean to get overly spiritual or offend anyone. I hope everyone is doing well. Germ
