hello marisol and hope3343. I appreciate your time to read and reply. Im still trying not to get lost all these forums! marisol,wow, if they could build a rollercoaster from a blueprint of everything you've gone through, Six Flags would have a hit. First I'd like to acknowledge your 1st year anniversary today(I guess to say "Happy Anniversary" might be a poor choice of wording at this time) My 16th anniversary is Oct 17, but I expect it will be like any other day. H has always acknowledged every anniversary , birthday, mother's day , etc. I dont expect to even hear from him when Oct 17 comes. He purposely chose not to acknowledge my birthday July 30. The only reason he called was to gripe about computer parts that I had recyled then hung up abruptly. Maybe you could do something nice for yourself tommorrow - hang out with friends, maybe a pedicure, some shopping , or just hang out with us ! We have to wonder what will be going on in their crazy minds on those days. If they feel any guilt, thats hope for us. Take what you can get then build on it. But I do not plan any form of contact with H on our day. Its just more of the same.
Ive been through the shock, despair, desperation, fear, and anger. Ive pleaded and tried to reason, but just as DB will tell you, it pushes them away further. After one going-nowhere conversation about the past, he actually said "the more you bring it up the more I need to tell you IDLYA and I havent missed you since I left". It is too much to bear for me to hear those things, especially from a man who was NEVER reserved about saying ILY.
Our H sound like victims of MLC (well, we're actually the victims, but I don't want to portray that). you had your first D with him just out of high school, then within 2 years he had to marry OW because she was pregnant? Just curious, how come he didnt marry you when you were pregnant? My H and I were also high school sweethearts, me 15 him 17 when we started to date. I was his first and only real girlfriend. He served for navy see-bees just after he graduated and we stuck that through thick and thin. I to this day still have all the letters we wrote back and forth, read them and am amazed at the passion there. I was 20 and he was 22 when we married. Our first son was born 5 months after our 1st anniversary. We went from living at home with mommy and daddy (I still lived at home even through nursing school)with the exception of his military stent, to marriage ,career, mortgage, parenthood and so on .It all became routine stress I guess.
It is like they feel the need to go back to their late adolescence and "college days" to do what they didnt get a chance at then. my OW is actually the same age as me with 2 boys , not 21! But either way its crazy . And it sounds like theyve both run from their real responsibilties. Theyre out playing the single guy, thinking only of themselves. Yes, they are being VERY selfish and disrespectful toward us, and we do not deserve this and certainly not our children! They are seeing only what pulls them toward those OW and what is pushing us away from them. Theyre not seeing the big picture here.
And while I can swallow my pride and admit to some of my negative behaviors in regards to attention and affection, after 15 years I was spent. So much that I didnt even realize the effect of my behavior or realize I was behaving negatively at all. There were things I wouldve liked from him in regards to affection and appreciation, his drinking bothered me, and his weak spiritual faith bothered me. But I took the good with the bad. Never once did I question my love or committment for him.But I am tring to realize this is so much more about him than it is me. He has always been insecure and overly sensitive, he has never had a close relationship with his parents- as a matter of fact he has barely spoken or visited them since all this has happened. They know what is going on and side mostly with me. Im sure he feels ashamed. He has always hated his job. The house we built 5 years ago has been so much work and upkeep. He is so graciously letting me have the house, though. Gee thanks, maybe I can get the leaks in the roof and ruined drywall repaired, then paint, then take care of the flooding basement, cut about 1 acre of grass that is mostly on hills (takes me and 3 kids about 2 to 3 days to finish) do some landscaping AND put it up on the market so noone will buy it since the housing market is just booming right now, and if it does sell, take a loss. And finally, concerning our 3 kids, well you know teenagers, but my D11 is hearing impaired and ADD so she has been an extreme challenge especially in school. Yeah, I guess single life does look quite greener doesnt it?
You sound like a wonderful person- you have to be for not wanting to give up on your marriage and i support you 100% Please dont think of yourself as "a backup plan", because quite frankly it doesnt sound like he has much of a plan for anything right now. I think as long as we can stay patient , lovingly distance , take the high road, especially when it comes to the OW. Eventhough my D11 brings OW up in casual conversation, describing things they do together, how she has my H # in her cell phone contacts as "sweetie " and proudly displays their picture together cheek to cheek on her laptop screensaver, and how they like to go in the other room and "close the door" just like me and daddy did. We all know what the closed door means.As much as it hurts to hear it - I dont ask she just tells-I refrain from saying anything bad about OW except that her and daddy chose to be together while daddy and I had already made a promise when we married and that it hurts because I thought OW was my friend. We have to stay strong and be an advocate for ourselves and especially our children Be resilient. Its one of the most valuable lessons we can teach our children. We have to set the right example right now because our H certainly are not! Our H can search and search and search but they will never find the happiness they are looking for as long as they expect it from others. Self worth comes from within- its all about attitude. You have to learn to love yourself or youll never be happy . Just remember, you were the ORIGINAL plan- plan A. And since he doesnt know how to do his part in making plan A work, he's gone to the backup plan- plan B which is HER not you! And we all know plan B doesnt always work either.
