Thanks I will ignore the email. That was my thought too, but I do always want to praise contact when possible. Note he has still ignored my email about postponing the sessions!
Not reacting to the schedule is definitely a 180, and I've not said a word and don't intend to. In fact I even told him on IM when it came up that I was fine and didn't need a schedule(secretly dying for one for calls and visits).
It does suck to think that I might not see H in Dublin, it causes a real pain in my heart, but I think you're right that I have to expect this. In a way it might even be better as he will see I am very serious about being respectful of his space and his "control" of our contact. I have a sneaking suspicion though that he could possibly be at the house when I arrive, not for sure as he has school that day, but possibly. Jody said before that on some level he liked to put me in positions where it could look as though I was invading his space, like a revenge thing. He did this a few times when I was still in Dublin.
Yeah I don't expect things to be completely sorted with H anytime soon. The only thing I want is for him to let me move back into the house when I come back, and for him not to look for another place, even on a trial basis. This will be the best way to demonstrate 180s. I just think he will be terrified of me coming back until and unless we spend some time together first...
The one thing about my H though is that he should be the poster child for self-care. he is amazing. He literally works out every day of the week, goes out with friends but barely drinks, cooks healthy food, reads self-help books, and is seeing a psychotherapist. So even though I know his healing will take time, I think he is on an accelerated path due to his willingness to work on himself.
I miss rainy and cold weather! It's 30 C here today, and so hot I can hardly stand it. I am the odd one out though who likes rain and gray skies...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just journaling. No new updates. Historically H has made significant contact on Sundays, but at the same time I'm going to Dublin tomorrow, so not sure whether this will impact on him communicating with me. I really don't have a clue about how he feels about my trip to Dublin--in fact he may not know how he feels either. Anyway I know for sure that I will not initiate contact. It doesn't get any easier not to HAVE contact, but it does get easier not to initiate it. It's like a goal that I set for myself. I've also quit forwarding emails and such unless they really are needed.
I think in DB terms I have done a very good job this week. My GAL is still very weak and even fake in many cases, but nevertheless in terms of my H, he really doesn't know this, and this is important. I do go to the gym regularly, and am at my thinnest in 4 years. I was not at all heavy before, but just not in shape. This week I have forwarded only 1 email and this was on overseas voting because I thought he would find it interesting. I only initiated contact on his birthday with an email. I think it would have been really rude not to do this, so I broke the no contact rule on that day only.
I've seen him online, and resisted the urge to send messages when he hasn't reached out first. I did not say anything about him not calling me or not sticking to a schedule. In fact I said I didn't need one at all. I joked around in IMs when he was being friendly, but never tried to keep the conversation going. I waited an hour to respond to the one text he sent. I did not respond to his email yesterday. Even though it was a "no response needed" email, in the past I would have responded with something. I did not tell him where I was staying in Dublin, and I did not ask him to set up plans with me. Twice this week he has asked "what are you doing?" This is something that he always used to say to me in this really sweet voice, but on IM it's harder to judge the intention behind it. Twice this week he has told me about things he is doing, both times they have been exercise-related. This week he even asked about something completely random--it was me sending an iPod to my mom. I did this 6 weeks ago, but it's as if he's playing catchup with things now. For some reason he asked if she ever got it, and I said yes and that she'd noticed it was loaded with what must have been his music. He said "because it's so cool." This is very small, but to me it shows that he is liking himself a little better now. In yesterday's email he said he was doing weights in his "sprockets outfit". Again, this is a little bit playful, and I don't think this has any relationship connotations, but it does sound like he is feeling a little bit lighter. The email also said "I hope you are doing well." Now to me this sounds business like, but at least it shows some kind of acknowledgment of my feelings, and this has to be positive. In fact he could have simply responded to my Dublin email with a 1-liner "those times are fine" or something like that, and that is usually what his responses have been like lately.
I hope that he reaches out today, as I feel like the time is now ripe for me to give out as many compliments as possible. He is always talking about exercise, so this is a great opportunity. I also want to find something to ask him about advice on. I think what he needs is to feel like he has something to give me, and that I am somehow benefiting from him. He does have a lot to give, and I have actually learned so much over these past 6 weeks, hell though they have been, I wouldn't be the better person I am now without them. At some point I will tell my H this, but it's a bit heavy for the moment, so I'll steer clear of this. I hope that we see each other in Dublin and can have a dinner or something that is completely free from R talk; I know I won't be bringing the topic up and I can only hope that he doesn't either. I still have a hope that he will ask me to stay in our house, but I know this is not too likely. It will be more likely in the future if I don't push him this time. Before I left, he was freaking out about where I would stay when I visited Dublin, and I gave him my word that I wouldn't stay in the house unless he asked me to. I think he's had his guard up a lot, and maybe hasn't trusted everything I've been doing. There would be nothing better, IMO, than for him to spend some time with me and see just what has changed.
Anyway, today I am leaving myself logged into IM on "unavailable" and I'll just see if anything happens there. I'll update later if there is any significant contact or other news.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Again I know I am supposed not to let H's actions/inactions get to me, but today they really have. Every Sunday since I've been here he has reached out and been very positive. Up until last Wednesday, it seemed as though contact was getting better, and then he had his birthday, and it's like suddenly no more. Today it's about 8 PM in Dublin, and he hasn't even gotten online. Yesterday was a short email in response to mine, and the 2 days before he didn't contact me at all. Our contact is getting less and less frequent, but if we were actually making progress, wouldn't it be the other way around? I feel as though he is trying to cut all ties to me.
Also I am fairly certain those books were delivered to him by now. I know we aren't supposed to send gifts, but what's done is done, they were for his birthday, had no mushy cards, and were in relation to his own interests. A quick 1 line to say thank you, or cool, or something might have been nice or even just normal.
Now I'm off to Dublin tomorrow, where I will immediately go to our house. I have such mixed emotions. I'm going to be thrilled to see the pets and just feel like I am in a home again, but then I have to remember that at the moment it's not "our" home, and this saddens me. He probably won't be there, but of course there is the chance that he will be, and while I am dying to see him, if he's there I won't be able to stay and hang out, and will have to start up the DBing where I leave right away because of other plans...
Also tomorrow's his first day of school for this quarter, and I really wish I could talk to him about it. I am not even a part of his life in this way anymore. I thought we were moving to the friend stage, but it feels now as though we are moving backwards, despite my consistent work over the past 10 days with no backslides...
How do I know that what I am doing is right anymore? Is there ever an occasion where maybe the DB principles aren't right? I feel like I am letting him destroy our relationship by being away from him. I know for a fact that if I were in Dublin still, we'd have more frequent contact.
Just feeling now like there is a real lack of progress, and I don't know what happened this week to apparently harden H's heart to me. Or should I feel that no news is good news? Also he had a call with the DB coach last Wednesday, which also coincided with this new increased silence. Of course then my mind wonders to other things too like if he has decided to start seeing someone else. I won't even go there as I sincerely think he would tell me if he had done this, but it just feels like something has changed and I'm feeling pretty down at the moment.
Does anyone have thoughts on why he has shifted toward me like this?
Also, any last minute advice for Dublin? At this point I doubt he will even ask to see me, but I don't want a guilt-ridden email or conversation about him not wanting to see me either. I want honesty but not too much if you know what I mean. I don't need to hear every piece of spew, but I would like an acknowledgment every now and then that he's been a bit distant, or something. For someone who says he's trying not to shut the door on things, it feels to me like it's just the opposite.
Help feeling pretty low...
Don't worry though, I will not backslide in Dublin even if he's at the house and baits me, or even if he doesn't reach out to me at all. Luckily I'm actually very busy the whole time I'm there, so I will not have to try too hard to keep myself distracted.
And here I was holding out hope that he would actually ask me to stay at the house!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'm sorry you are feeling sad and discouraged. I know what that is like. I wish I knew the answers. The only thing I can think of is his business trip, maybe he has just been busy with work. I know that normally you would have been more involved when he was away for business purposes but in this situation maybe he is just swamped and has not had much time to think about the whole thing. You know how men can get single-minded from time to time
I would not worry too much about the trip back to your home. Things will work out the way they are meant to and stressing about it and playing the "what if" game will just make you crazy and on edge and you don't need that on top of everything. You need to stay strong. You don't want this trip to throw you back into a downward spiral. Especially since you are doing so well right now, even though it does not feel like it.
Go into it with an open mind and don't let yourself set any expectations because we all know that is a very dangerous game!
First off good luck and have a safe trip back to Dublin. Do not stress so much about H's acting weird the last few days, as nervous as you are about going home and wondering about what might happen is probably the same feelings that he is going through too. There is no point in trying to wonder why becuase you will only drive yourself crazy.
Hang in there and do your best "acting as if" while you are in Dublin. No expectations equals no disapointments.
I guess I'm just questioning now whether DBing works with someone who is so depressed. I know begging and pleading wouldn't work either, but I just feel like I am letting him destroy the relationship by not being more of a presence in his life. The longer I'm away, the easier it is for him to close the door, or so it feels.
Anyway my heart is in my throat now. I'm at the Wroclaw airport. I will take a cab from the Dublin airport directly to my house. H in all likelihood will not be there, and if not I'll spend the afternoon there.
If he is, well then I guess I'll have to keep my time there very brief.
Everyone please think good thoughts for me. I will post later with any interesting updates...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
The longer I'm away, the easier it is for him to close the door, or so it feels.
Is, I wish I didn't feel this way too, but I do. I wish I could give you some words of encouragement, but unfortunately, I'm afraid those of us without children are really giving them a ticket to ride....
If it's any consolation, I'm feeling the same exact loss you are. As my pastor says, it's a loss for everyone.
I hope the trip goes well. One thing I notice when I read your thread is that you'd lik this to b a smooth upward journey of increasing baby steps until you reach the ultimate goal. Dbing doesn't usually work that way- there has to be a period of stage 1 before you can get to stage 2, and although you may feel like you're ready to move forward your H may not be. For teh depressed/WA spouse things move in a rollercoaster- up and down. Your H is currently on a down, but it doesn't mean he's gone for good. It means he's in his cave working on him.
Detach and don't think too much about contact frequency and content. H'll be back in touch when he's ready- trust in the strength of your R (pre-S) and that you are supporting him by giving him this time.
