Today has been different. I don't know what to do about life now that I'm nearly whole. Everything is different. Life seems to have a different color to it.
Church was fine, in fact the entire day was fine. I got choked up a few times, but, that was it and maybe I spent a little less time thinking about things. It was a nice relaxing day. It was the kind of day that you want a Sunday to be.
I took the kids over to W's work for free ice skating and we had a blast. Then, we all got our YMCA photo ids and that took a while and then W asked if I would mind going and getting her a coffee. I didn't mind and ended up walking over to the coffee shop and getting her a coffee. We had nice conversation and I was happy and upbeat and so on. Later, I sent her a good night text and she sent me one back. That was nice. Coming from where we were and all the high emotion and drama, nice seems wrong, like we're beyond love into apathy. I don't have a reference point for this except that I do know that I still love my wife and maybe she still loves me.
So, I come to the end of the day and I realize that because I needed her so badly, I could never see that our R was little more than survival on both our parts. Would I trade where I'm at for what I've become? I don't know. Life is much richer and at the same time much more peaceful now.
The relationship we've had as we were each trying to maintain our own identity while at the same time stealing from the other to complete our identity. We've spent 18 years fighting for what would make us complete.
I don't really know who I am any more. I don't react or respond the same way. I wish I could get the last 30 years back.
