Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

Sara, yes at times my S talks about killing himself and he is only 9. I have him talking with a child therapist and I am trying to instill some meditation and mindfullness into his life. We are working very hard at over coming his panic attackes. My S is VERY intellegent and has taken the seperation of his parents very hard. The first thing he asked my H when H told him he was leaving was "Dad, if you get a divorce and remarry, are you going to have more children? I dont want to be the family you left behind." He was barely 8 when he said that. I am trying very hard to be his support and we talk in great detail. With all of the changes that are occuring in his life, the changing of schools has also been very difficult. I think he is finaly coming to a stronger place because he can see that no matter what I will be there for him as long as I can. Thank you for your concern.

Ready - there was a time when I would have just about done ANYTHING to try and show my H that he should come back. This is his journey and he has NO remorse for anything he has done. He calims to feel bad, but continues on with those same actions. The fact that he still continues to have a relationship with OW while claiming to be working on himself tells me he has not changed. I have, though. You can not go through what I have gone through and not see things differently.

I had a CAT scan last week and just found out the results Friday. I emailed him that I had the results but needed to process the info before sharing it with him. He responds by going to happy hour with friends then sleeping with OW who really he is not a relationship with (sarcasm). Sick, isnt it? My results are that the primary location of the cancer has shrunk (great news) but there is concern that it might have spread because of a spot found elsewhere. I am going in for another biopsy the morning that I have mediation. If it turns out to be nothing, then the treatment is working. If it is a second location of cancer, then my chances of surviving 2 years are slim. H knows all of this as well. I already told him that if it is spreading, I am done with treatment and will enjoy the time I have with as much peace as possible. I think that because I heard this from the doc on Friday I was more emotinal on Sat after finding out he slept with her again. That is why I sliped with all of the things I said. Heck, I should not even call it a slip. That implies that I am trying to DB at this point and I no longer am. I am just trying to move on with as little emotional pain as possible.

I feel like if my time here is limited, I do not want to waste it on someone who is unwilling to give me the love I deserve. I do miss being held and told "I love you" but I can be happy without this from him. I have wonderful friends and family, so no matter what I will be ok. I cant help but wonder, though, if things do turn out badly, what kind of father will he be to my S? He has already shown how he is putting HIS needs before anyone else. How can I trust him if I am gone? I hate that I even have to think this way. Here is something even more twisted....he is now using my cancer as a way to gain sympathy from friends and co-workers, even though they all know he wants to D me. I truly just have to let him go because he is much sicker than I could ever be. He needs to find his own path out.

Thank you for all of your support. I am truly fine and have not let this set back change my happiness. I knew I was gambling with my heart when I kept hoping as much as I was. It was worth it even though it did not work out. I feel at peace knowing I did EVERYTHING I possible could to make this work. He still continued to walk away. Now, I am stepping onto a different path, one not focused on him anymore. I think this is what acceptance is all about. I am not leaving this board because I think that I can help other to avoid the mistakes I have made. I am just leaving piecing. Hope you can all stop by every so often and lend a supporting hand, I'm going to need it. You have been a wonderful source of strength and wisdom to me. Thank you for that.